3 months ago…when I learned I should listen to myself more often and confirmed once more there is no such thing as fate…

DISCLAIMER. It’s not my intention to insult or disrespect anyone, the purpose of this blog is for me to express my thoughts and feelings, and share what I learned with others which I find very therapeutic, and helped me immensely during this transitional period I’m going through. And by sharing what I’ve learned, I hope to help others, that’s the reason I decided to start a blog instead of keeping a diary (and I’ve received amazing feedback so far, thank you everyone).

I don’t think this post shows any disrespect to anyone or exposes anyone’s personal life (except some aspects of mine of course). If some people think that this makes me look selfish, although I don’t agree, I accept that. 

I learned a lot from this experience and I think it’s worth sharing (as much as I can without drawing any conclusions and my thoughts on other people) so here it goes…

A month after I broke up life started to get better… I went out often, I had fun, I started planning things I wanted to do, getting Christmassy (I love Christmas!) checking flats to move in after Christmas… I still had bad days but I kept going…

I still believed if my ex and I spent time apart, recuperate and get back to our old selves that we could get back together and live happily ever after… but we agreed it was better to think we’d never get back together … so I made a decision to stay on my own for some time, get back on my own feet and stay away from heart troubles… I was definitely not ready to get into another relationship for a while, I needed time on my own.

But never say never!

I was asked out by this guy, a friend of a friend.

I was flattered but I couldn’t imagine myself falling in love with anyone, so I explained that I only broke up a month ago and I wasn’t ready to get into anything serious. LESSON 15. Listen to your inner voice, it’s usually right! If you feel you are not ready, then it means you are not (This reminded me of something I read in a little gem of a book about mindfulness ”Listen to your inner voice. Remember to trust yourself”)

But after chatting and seeing him a couple of times, I realised we had a lot in common and we got along incredibly well.

Now, I’m not going to go into details on how everything happened… but it’s rare to find someone you have similar interests, enjoy doing the same things, have the same weird sense of humour AND have good chemistry. And I met such a person a month after I broke up. I was made to feel special and everything felt different than anything else I experienced before.

I don’t believe there is such thing as fate, life is random and it’s all down to chance...but I started to doubt my own beliefs, all this swept me off my feet.

Maybe timing wasn’t the best but maybe it was meant to be??

So what do I do?? I was not ready for a relationship but staying away from him proved difficult.

Everything happened very fast…too fast for me.. Was I in a relationship again within weeks???? LESSON 16. NEVER rush into anything…

I was absolutely petrified. I didn’t want to get hurt or hurt him… I found it hard to accept someone I only knew for a couple of weeks was so sure about this so soon…I kept having doubts about our feelings for each other. I kept trying to put him off because I wanted to make sure his feelings were real…

During all this I was going through grief (which I never really had time to process and still haven’t fully recovered from that horrible week although writing about it and getting amazing messages helped A LOT), getting over a 7 year relationship (which left me with LOTS of issues), moving on my own for the first time in my life (which was not easy) and dealing with my ex’s pain (which was painful for me too). And I’ve told this new guy, Craig all I was going through…

I am truly sorry for hurting my ex… and I sincerely apologise for this. I never intended too. I did what I thought was best for me. Although our 7 year relationship didn’t work out, I love and care about him, he is an amazing person and he deserves to be happy…

So I had a lot of emotional, dark moments, doubts, outbursts, overreacting… And there were moments I didn’t like myself… And there were moments that I was sad and I cried… I was going through so much, so there were days I broke down. I wasn’t myself all of the time, sometimes I was the shadow of myself…

And although I am not perfect, –no one is!- I do love myself and the person I am because (ET) yourself is all you got and you should be comfortable in your own skin. If you don’t love  and accept yourself as you are no one else will! And if you love yourself, you don’t need anyone else to be happy (most of the time, we are social creatures afterall!)…

Fast forward to a week ago…

After a difficult, emotional week (during which I had to go to my old place for the last time to pick up the last few things, overreacting to situations, crying, started smoking again-and quit after a week, yes I’m that strong! back to smelling amazing again) I decided to put aside my worries and do something I haven’t done for a long time…

And, although afterwards I felt like a fool, I don’t regret it, because I pushed myself out of my comfort zone, I overcame my fear of bearing my feelings and putting myself out there with the risk of getting hurt. Not sure I am willing to do that again anytime soon…

But it was already over for him… And when he ended it… I overreacted, which is never good!  All the pain, grief and anger I had inside building up for the last 6 months, burst out. I felt deeply disappointed, hurt and sick! I wanted to forget all this ever happened.

During my outburst I might have hurt him, unintentionally… And I sincerely apologise for that but I was hurt…

That’s why I didn’t want to get hurt again, not that it would have been too difficult to get over someone I only knew for a couple of months but I knew that another heartbreak will bring out all the pain and issues I’ve been trying to deal with the last couple of months. And it did. Now I have to deal with what I haven’t dealt with because I got into another relationship straight away.

But I don’t regret this, because (ET) all the experiences in my life taught me something  valuable and made me who I am today and I can’t and wouldn’t change that so I don’t want to regret anything that happened. And  I don’t regret meeting this person. We had amazing time together, we enjoyed being with each other, we had fun and lots of laughs, we made each other happy… for a while…

Maybe it wasn’t special and different after all (we didn’t even get to know each other that well), but that’s how it felt at the time and that’s why I went for it.

Would it have made any difference if we waited 6 months ? Maybe…or maybe not.

Should have I hidden my pain, doubts and worries and pretend I was OK? No, because I wanted to be honest and I needed to find myself and deal with my issues, not avoid them. If I had done that, they would all have come out later on.

Was he the right person? I don’t know, I am not even sure if there is such thing as right person. Was it the right time? Definitely not.

When 2 people break up, they are both at fault, they both made mistakes. I am not going to get into what I think his mistakes were. But my mistake was that I wasn’t ready for a relationship and I should have been more cautious and take time out for myself before I got involved into anything.

LESSON 17. I learned that I need to listen to myself more and not believe everything I’m told … And I again reminded myself ‘Never say never’!

So now what? It’s been a week but I still feel numb. What happened doesn’t make complete sense to me but it doesn’t matter. It wouldn’t made a difference, it’s over. LESSON 18. Not everything in life makes sense, just let it go!

But it definitely put me off any quests for love. No more Ex’s and Oh’s!

What matters is that life goes on. I don’t want to waste any more time being sad. And I try my best not to…I am not going to pretend that I’m OK now, because I’m not all the time, there are times I can’t help it, there is a lot to process and get over (the last 6 months haven’t been easy for me) and it can be overwhelming  sometimes (remember the Kubler-Ross stages of grief? I think I am now at the depression stage… but acceptance comes next!) but there are days that I laugh and I’m happy.

And today, I feel happy!

I need to get over my grief and pain I avoided for months,  learn how to control my feelings again (which I’am already better at, yeay me!), find myself, heal, have a place I can call home and… just have fun, wander around in cities and countries with no worry in the world, try new things, spend time with friends, make new friends, enjoy every moment! And stay away from men!

Lesson 19. Every day is a new day, and your past doesn’t determine you (but remember what has taught you!). From this moment, right now, you can be whoever you want to be.

But it’s OK not to be OK all the time, on those days, take it a day at a time and remember all the lovely people who love you for what you are, that’s what helps me 🙂

Next post…. THE PRESENT- GETTING READY TO GO HOME- HERE COMES THE SUN TURURURU!!!