Eleni

You try… so try again… you never know…

I want to say thank you for everyone who is following my blog and for all the amazing messages I received from people I’d never expected to! I’m moved by your kind words. It makes this even more special for me.

I can’t believe it’s already March! A new month, a new start!

I try to live in the moment ‘‘Be happy in the moment, that’s enough. Each moment is all we need, not more” (Mother Teresa)

But I need time to get over everything and something I recently learned and helps me is: When a negative thought comes in your mind, don’t avoid it, don’t push it away but don’t dwell on it either, let it flow, process it and then let it go… do that with every thought and you soon be more able to live in the moment!

Life is not always nice but remember, you are never alone! They are millions of people out there who probably are in a similar situation as you are. This song has kept me going for a while… It’s worth a listen.

I am flying home in a few days. I am glad I planned this trip, although (ET) I don’t like to plan anything too far ahead. I can’t imagine how my life will be tomorrow let alone in a month’s time…

Spending time with friends and family, with people who truly love me and care about me AND soaking in the sun is exactly what I need.

Who knows what will happen next? ” Chance is always powerful. Let your hook be always cast; in the pool where you least expect it, there will be a fish” (Ovid).

Next blog- sunny snaps from my beautiful homecountry…

3 months ago…when I learned I should listen to myself more often and confirmed once more there is no such thing as fate…

DISCLAIMER. It’s not my intention to insult or disrespect anyone, the purpose of this blog is for me to express my thoughts and feelings, and share what I learned with others which I find very therapeutic, and helped me immensely during this transitional period I’m going through. And by sharing what I’ve learned, I hope to help others, that’s the reason I decided to start a blog instead of keeping a diary (and I’ve received amazing feedback so far, thank you everyone).

I don’t think this post shows any disrespect to anyone or exposes anyone’s personal life (except some aspects of mine of course). If some people think that this makes me look selfish, although I don’t agree, I accept that.

I learned a lot from this experience and I think it’s worth sharing (as much as I can without drawing any conclusions and my thoughts on other people) so here it goes…

A month after I broke up life started to get better… I went out often, I had fun, I started planning things I wanted to do, getting Christmassy (I love Christmas!) checking flats to move in after Christmas… I still had bad days but I kept going…

I still believed if my ex and I spent time apart, recuperate and get back to our old selves that we could get back together and live happily ever after… but we agreed it was better to think we’d never get back together … so I made a decision to stay on my own for some time, get back on my own feet and stay away from heart troubles… I was definitely not ready to get into another relationship for a while, I needed time on my own.

But never say never!

I was asked out by this guy, a friend of a friend.

I was flattered but I couldn’t imagine myself falling in love with anyone, so I explained that I only broke up a month ago and I wasn’t ready to get into anything serious. LESSON 15. Listen to your inner voice, it’s usually right! If you feel you are not ready, then it means you are not (This reminded me of something I read in a little gem of a book about mindfulness ”Listen to your inner voice. Remember to trust yourself”)

But after chatting and seeing him a couple of times, I realised we had a lot in common and we got along incredibly well.

Now, I’m not going to go into details on how everything happened… but it’s rare to find someone you have similar interests, enjoy doing the same things, have the same weird sense of humour AND have good chemistry. And I met such a person a month after I broke up. I was made to feel special and everything felt different than anything else I experienced before.

I don’t believe there is such thing as fate, life is random and it’s all down to chance...but I started to doubt my own beliefs, all this swept me off my feet.

Maybe timing wasn’t the best but maybe it was meant to be??

So what do I do?? I was not ready for a relationship but staying away from him proved difficult.

Everything happened very fast…too fast for me.. Was I in a relationship again within weeks???? LESSON 16. NEVER rush into anything…

I was absolutely petrified. I didn’t want to get hurt or hurt him… I found it hard to accept someone I only knew for a couple of weeks was so sure about this so soon…I kept having doubts about our feelings for each other. I kept trying to put him off because I wanted to make sure his feelings were real…

During all this I was going through grief (which I never really had time to process and still haven’t fully recovered from that horrible week although writing about it and getting amazing messages helped A LOT), getting over a 7 year relationship (which left me with LOTS of issues), moving on my own for the first time in my life (which was not easy) and dealing with my ex’s pain (which was painful for me too). And I’ve told this new guy, Craig all I was going through…

I am truly sorry for hurting my ex… and I sincerely apologise for this. I never intended too. I did what I thought was best for me. Although our 7 year relationship didn’t work out, I love and care about him, he is an amazing person and he deserves to be happy…

So I had a lot of emotional, dark moments, doubts, outbursts, overreacting… And there were moments I didn’t like myself… And there were moments that I was sad and I cried… I was going through so much, so there were days I broke down. I wasn’t myself all of the time, sometimes I was the shadow of myself…

And although I am not perfect, –no one is!- I do love myself and the person I am because (ET) yourself is all you got and you should be comfortable in your own skin. If you don’t love and accept yourself as you are no one else will! And if you love yourself, you don’t need anyone else to be happy (most of the time, we are social creatures afterall!)…

Fast forward to a week ago…

After a difficult, emotional week (during which I had to go to my old place for the last time to pick up the last few things, overreacting to situations, crying, started smoking again-and quit after a week, yes I’m that strong! back to smelling amazing again) I decided to put aside my worries and do something I haven’t done for a long time…

And, although afterwards I felt like a fool, I don’t regret it, because I pushed myself out of my comfort zone, I overcame my fear of bearing my feelings and putting myself out there with the risk of getting hurt. Not sure I am willing to do that again anytime soon…

But it was already over for him… And when he ended it… I overreacted, which is never good! All the pain, grief and anger I had inside building up for the last 6 months, burst out. I felt deeply disappointed, hurt and sick! I wanted to forget all this ever happened.

During my outburst I might have hurt him, unintentionally… And I sincerely apologise for that but I was hurt…

That’s why I didn’t want to get hurt again, not that it would have been too difficult to get over someone I only knew for a couple of months but I knew that another heartbreak will bring out all the pain and issues I’ve been trying to deal with the last couple of months. And it did. Now I have to deal with what I haven’t dealt with because I got into another relationship straight away.

But I don’t regret this, because (ET) all the experiences in my life taught me something valuable and made me who I am today and I can’t and wouldn’t change that so I don’t want to regret anything that happened. And I don’t regret meeting this person. We had amazing time together, we enjoyed being with each other, we had fun and lots of laughs, we made each other happy… for a while…

Maybe it wasn’t special and different after all (we didn’t even get to know each other that well), but that’s how it felt at the time and that’s why I went for it.

Would it have made any difference if we waited 6 months ? Maybe…or maybe not.

Should have I hidden my pain, doubts and worries and pretend I was OK? No, because I wanted to be honest and I needed to find myself and deal with my issues, not avoid them. If I had done that, they would all have come out later on.

Was he the right person? I don’t know, I am not even sure if there is such thing as right person. Was it the right time? Definitely not.

When 2 people break up, they are both at fault, they both made mistakes. I am not going to get into what I think his mistakes were. But my mistake was that I wasn’t ready for a relationship and I should have been more cautious and take time out for myself before I got involved into anything.

LESSON 17. I learned that I need to listen to myself more and not believe everything I’m told … And I again reminded myself ‘Never say never’!

So now what? It’s been a week but I still feel numb. What happened doesn’t make complete sense to me but it doesn’t matter. It wouldn’t made a difference, it’s over. LESSON 18. Not everything in life makes sense, just let it go!

But it definitely put me off any quests for love. No more Ex’s and Oh’s!

What matters is that life goes on. I don’t want to waste any more time being sad. And I try my best not to…I am not going to pretend that I’m OK now, because I’m not all the time, there are times I can’t help it, there is a lot to process and get over (the last 6 months haven’t been easy for me) and it can be overwhelming sometimes (remember the Kubler-Ross stages of grief? I think I am now at the depression stage… but acceptance comes next!) but there are days that I laugh and I’m happy.

And today, I feel happy!

I need to get over my grief and pain I avoided for months, learn how to control my feelings again (which I’am already better at, yeay me!), find myself, heal, have a place I can call home and… just have fun, wander around in cities and countries with no worry in the world, try new things, spend time with friends, make new friends, enjoy every moment! And stay away from men!

Lesson 19. Every day is a new day, and your past doesn’t determine you (but remember what has taught you!). From this moment, right now, you can be whoever you want to be.

But it’s OK not to be OK all the time, on those days, take it a day at a time and remember all the lovely people who love you for what you are, that’s what helps me 🙂

Next post…. THE PRESENT- GETTING READY TO GO HOME- HERE COMES THE SUN TURURURU!!!

4 months ago… the start of a (then) new life…

How life can change so much in such a short space of time???

That was in my mind for a long time and still is… (and little did I know how much more it could and did change).

The next day after we broke up, I decided to get organised. Get out, get a job and start thinking about my new life. My relationship pushed me away from the few friends I had and it was now time to get back to the social person I was before I let this relationship change me, make new friends and start building a life on my own.

I still had bad days, I felt I didn’t want to do anything else but stay home and cry… I lost my aunt (I’d never in a million years imagined I’d live what I lived that horrible week), I lost my partner… and I was dealing with unemployment (we all know how frustrating that can be) but I pushed myself as much as I could. LESSON 13. There is always worse. But that doesn’t mean your problems are not important for you and in my own little world dealing with everything that happened was and is not easy.

And I managed to get a temp job within 3 days!!!

Sheba was there for me throughout everything I went through. She was and is my guardian angel.

My choir family was there for me too. They all made me laugh and cheered me up. And unexpectedly, two choir friends supported me through this too.

Thank you guys for supporting me at a very difficult time in my life, not many would have done for someone they don’t really know that well.

After a couple of weeks, I managed to get a job back at the Uni, although I’d said I’d never go back. LESSON 14- NEVER SAY NEVER ( this lesson I learned over and over the following months).

I felt I was back home as soon as I walked in when I went for my interview. I needed a job I could learn how to do quickly, I couldn’t face a brand new challenge at this point in my life. I needed stability and time to heal... (also Sheba still works there, which is a bonus). So I went for it.

And I am glad I did. My managers and colleagues have been very supportive and understanding through all of this… and there have been times it was hard being at work but they supported me every single time…

After a month I felt my life got back on track… my ex and I still lived together until the end of our contract 2 months later (which proved extremely difficult and painful, especially a month later, it will make sense after reading my next post), but I had a new job, at a workplace which felt and feels like home, working with lovely colleagues, chatting all day, having a laugh. I started making new friends, going out more… having fun…

And then something unexpected happened… again!!! ‘3 months ago’ coming next…

4 months ago… part 4… the end of my life as I knew it…

24th of October, 2015. Saturday…

I spent all day keeping busy, getting ready to come back home, get a job, fix my relationship…

I managed not to cry the whole day, but after saying goodbye to my sisters at the airport, I broke down. I cried a lot on my own that day at the airport. That’s when I realised that I can’t control my feelings any more. I still to the day can’t. I overreact when I’m in pain because there is still so much pain inside. And overreacting is never good, I’d come to regret that later on…

My ex came to pick me up from the airport. I knew the moment I saw him that something bothered him. It took us a long time to get back home from the airport (bloody roadworks!) and I had this horrific headache so we spent most of the time in silence.

As soon as I went home, I had a shower and tried to sleep. I wouldn’t have had a good night sleep for weeks after that…

25th of October, Sunday…

I woke up early, I couldn’t sleep much anyway… I unpacked everything, did some cleaning and then he woke up.

And we had a chat. He wanted us to break up. I just broke down into tears (I do that a lot since then). I knew the relationship was not going well, I knew we needed time apart… I knew I agreed with him.

Lesson 10. Being in a relationship is not easy… Being honest and openly discussing everything what worries you with your other half is vital…

We needed time apart to find ourselves again, to become who we used to be before the relationship and the circumstances changed us and made us unhappy … Before I stopped being myself, open, chatty, confident…

LESSON 11. Your happiness does not depend solely on another person. Your happiness comes from you. Before you get into any relationship or if you are in a relationship, make sure you have separate lives and you are happy with your life regardless of that person. Being in a relationship should make you happier but it shouldn’t be your only source of happiness!

I felt I lost the ground under my feet… I was in grief, unemployed and single… My life as I knew it had ended in minutes. LESSON 12. Don’t take anything for granted. Your life can change in a second!

But I put my strong face on and the same night I went out with Shebz to a choir social and I tried to have as much fun as I could, because I thought life is too short, I needed to get out and not stay at home, cry and be miserable… Life goes on no matter what…

4 months ago… part 3… the funeral and the week after

18th of October, 2015… Sunday…

It was a miserable day for the whole family. I felt numb. I couldn’t comprehend what happened the night before. I kept my emotions in for so long, I was about to burst, but I held them in. I knew I had to be strong for the rest of the family.

We all spent the whole day at home, making arrangements for the funeral which was the next day. We didn’t talk much, we barely ate, we barely slept.

19th of October 2015, Monday

On Monday morning my cousin called me. She wanted me to read a few words she wrote at the funeral, a eulogy for her mum. We talked about it months ago and I agreed to do it because she knew she wouldn’t be able to do it herself. Living away helped me be calmer and more composed and I had to remain calm and composed once more.

She sent me the text (it’s in Greek but if anyone wants a translation, I’d be happy to do it ΕΠΙΚΗΔΕΙΟΣ (2)) and I’ve read it aloud a couple of times, to prepare myself. I managed to hold my tears during most of it but I always broke down towards the end of it. I knew I had to try my best at the funeral.

It was a warm, sunny day although it was the middle of October. We went to church at 3pm.

She arrived… she looked like an angel heavily asleep, so beautiful and peaceful. I broke down a couple of times. But every time I did, I managed to recover fast, I had to. I needed to make it through the day…

The church was full of people who loved her… Everyone she knew came to pay their respect to this beautiful person. It was very moving to see all of these people there. It was an emotional ceremony run by 12 priests…

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The worst part was kissing her goodbye. It was a tragic moment for all of us but especially for my grandpa, her dad…

And then it was time for me to read the Eulogy. I stood in front of everyone, next to the coffin. My voice trembled, my mouth was dry. For the first time in my life my legs went numb and I felt I would faint at any minute. But I kept looking at her picture throughout the ceremony and in my head I imagined her saying to me ‘You can do it, do it for me, I know you can’.

And I did. I managed to read all of it until the end. I broke down briefly when I caught with the corner of my eye her son breaking down. But I kept going. And I made it. When I was done I ran into my cousin’s arms and let my tears out. It was one of the most difficult things I’ve done in my life… and I’m proud of myself that I managed to do it.

After that, the cemetery. What bizarre places cemeteries are. Haunting but peaceful…

There was a lot of crying and sobbing and shouting… And after that we all gathered at my grandpa’s house (I am not even going to talk about how my grandpa was on that day, I can’t even imagine how it feels to lose your child). And we all shared lovely stories, kids were running around, we caught up with relatives who hadn’t seen for years and we all had a laugh, celebrating her life.

LESSON 9 That moment I realised once again that life goes on no matter what.

Deep inside I knew all this left a big scar and I needed time to heal. I feel I still haven’t had the time to do that (more on that later). Kubler Ross five stages of grief (they apply to different situations, not just death but also breakups, divorces etc) keep popping into my head since then. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance… I am not sure on which stage I am, but I have not reached acceptance yet…

My family and I spent most of the rest of the week at home. Everyone started going back to work, trying to move on the best they could. And things between me and my ex whilst I was away were deteriorating so I knew it was time for me to pick up my pieces, go back home and sort my life out.

Rest in Peace my lovely aunt Anna… you’ll always be in my heart…

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4 months ago…part 2… dedicated to my aunt Anna…

LESSON 6 and the most important one: ENJOY EVERY MOMENT, YOU NEVER KNOW IF IT WILL BE YOUR LAST ONE. IF YOU DIE TOMORROW, AT LEAST YOU’LL DIE HAPPY!

17th of October, 2015… A day I will never forget…

My ex drove me to the airport on that Saturday morning. We were both lost in our own thoughts and worries… It was one of the longest drives ever but I tried to follow my own advice… take a day at a time and focus on the present (which is easier said than done, I know).

Throughout the 4.5 hour flight I tried to mentally prepare myself of what was I about to face. The plan was to drive straight from the airport to the hospital at 9pm as my beloved aunt’s life was hanging by a thread…She smiled when they told her I was going…I really wanted to see her before she died…

My cousin warned me that what I was going to see wasn’t pretty, my aunt wasn’t breathing on her own, she couldn’t talk, only blink and sigh, her body started to melt, she was full of jaundice… But for me she was still my aunt and I wanted to see her and tell her that I’m there and that I love her…

I kept thinking how difficult life she had. Back in 1974, during the Turkish invasion in Cyprus she was captured by the Turks, when she was only 15 years old, and luckily a kind-hearted officer dressed her up as an old lady so she doesn’t get raped and helped her escape.

She was intelligent, loved reading, she was one the best students in her class and she got a place at a Greek university to study French. But just before she was about to go, she met the man she loved until her last breath, (even after all that he’s done to her) and decided to get married and have a family instead.

After her husband abandoned her, she was left on her own, with no money, no food. At some point a snake sneaked in the house and no one could do anything about it, she spent sleepless nights worrying..

She suffered a lot, I won’t get into more details but she didn’t feel true happiness for years…

She was a loving person who adored everyone and always wanted to make everyone else happy…putting her self last.

LESSON 7- Love yourself and do whatever makes you happy. It’s not selfish to think about yourself first, it’s essential.

And after all she’s been through, she was diagnosed with terminal cancer. And she suffered immense pain for a whole year. But through all of this she never complained and until the end she only thought about others. She didn’t deserve this horrible end. No one does. CANCER SUCKS!

She loved to cook and take care of everyone. She made the best pastitsio and keftedes!

She always started the beautiful text messages she used to sent to me with ‘To my beloved Eleni… ‘ and ended with ‘Love, your aunt Anna’…

Back to that night.. we drove straight to the hospital…My heart was pounding so loudly I could actually hear it…

I walked into the room… I couldn’t believe that person was my aunt, she looked like someone else, what was left of her after cancer and chemotherapies, hormone therapies, radiotherapies, liver failure, kidney failure… I don’t want and can’t describe in great detail what I’ve seen, I will only say she looked like a person dying… that image and that smell will always be in my memory. My voice was trembling, my mouth was dry… I managed to say ‘Hi, I’m here’ …

My cousin (who was pregnant at the time) started shouting ‘ She is not breathing, she is not breathing’. My aunt’s ex-husband and daughter in law were next door waiting for the nurses to finish changing her clothes and bedsheets.. they didn’t know …

She died just 10 minutes before we got there… She died on her own.

LESSON 8- Tell the people you love and care about how you feel about them often, you never know when it’s the last time you see them.

I feel in my heart that’s what she wanted… she didn’t want to die in front of her loved ones, she knew it would be more difficult for them to get over it… so she waited and died whilst the nurses were changing her clothes… The doctor had to run to an emergency call and she didn’t have time to inform the relatives before we arrived… We were the first who saw her dead.

I couldn’t believe she was gone, I couldn’t believe I was 10 minutes late… I kissed her on the forehead and mumbled ‘rest in peace’ I tried hard to hold my tears and comfort my cousin…I kept staring at her… she was finally free from the pain but no longer with us… We sat around for hours until her son arrived (who I hadn’t seen for years), we didn’t want to tell him on the phone that she died…he had a special bond with his mum and he struggled to handle all of this…

That was the worst night of my life… followed by the worst week of my life… Since then with everything else that happened later on(posts to follow) I haven’t been myself..I still sometimes struggle to believe she is gone and I will never see her again…

continues at part 3…

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4 months ago…part 1

Edit- I’ve received some feedback (although rude and threatening but still took it into account) so I’ve amended some details on my previous post- I have no intention to insult or show disrespect to anyone. I only want to express my thoughts, what life events meant for me and what I’ve learned from them..

Before you go on reading, just to let you know, I have a lot of theories, my theories, so let’s call her Eleni’s theories, ET for short! They will be mentioned occasionally.

So, four months ago, in October 2015 things were not going well and one of my theories is, if you don’t speak up, whatever is bothering you will eat you alive.

I didn’t enjoy my new job at all and I desperately wanted to leave… I felt very demotivated and unchallenged with the tasks I was asked to do. So I had my first ever difficult conversation at work, letting them know how I felt and what we can do to improve it. LESSON 4. Honesty is the best policy.

I was later blamed for a mistake I didn’t make and had to have a difficult conversation with my managers (after an emotional conversation I had with them about my aunt and warning them I would have to leave at any time to hopefully catch her alive and say my final goodbyes, PS I’ve never cried in front of any of my colleagues or managers before this)

I never really had to have any difficult conversations at my workplace before as my ex-manager and good friend Chris and I always talked openly about everything. I love my ex-colleagues, they are the loveliest bunch of people ( I know I use the word ‘lovely’ a lot).

I later received an apology for wrongfully blamed for the mistake I haven’t made, but the trust was gone. I couldn’t see how my career would progress there and although my manager did his best, we just clashed. LESSON 5. If your relationship with your manager is not good, do something about it.

So I was in a job I didn’t enjoy, at a workplace I didn’t enjoy with people I didn’t really fit in(remember lesson 2?) and I knew I had to leave.

On a personal level, my relationship had reached its lowest point, although at the time I really believed it can get better so after a long, honest conversation, my ex boyfriend and I had decided to do our best to make it work because we loved each other.

He supported me with my decision to quit, so I took the plunge and quit…

In all this I became best friends with Shebz, who supported me and helped me in all this. She is one of the most incredible, amazing, caring people I ever known and I feel lucky and proud to be her friend! Love you! x

One of the things that helped me through this was my choir family. I joined a community choir in April and since then I met the loveliest people who always cheered each other up and had lots of fun and laughter and a bit of singing! If you are thinking of starting something new, I definitely recommend singing in a choir!

So, I quit on Friday, 16th of October 2015 and I booked a ticket to fly home on the 17th as I received devastating news that my aunt’s health was deteriorating rapidly.. The following week I will never forget, I still haven’t recovered… Part 2 coming soon and is not an easy read…

6 months ago…

So… although not everything started 6 months ago, that’s when my life as I knew it started to change…

I had a ‘I’m almost 30 years old’ crisis on my 29th birthday in May, realising how much time I wasted being in an a job I didn’t enjoy anymore, a relationship I was unhappy in but desperately tried to make it work, a life I didn’t enjoy. And I decided not to celebrate my birthday at all.

I’d been in the same job for 4 years and I tried desperately to get into a field I then thought I really wanted to get into, Occupational Psychology so I spent money and time to gain more qualifications etc, but without experience and in need of a substantial salary, that meant I couldn’t. LESSON 1: If you know what you want to do as a career, do it as soon as you leave University and you have no responsibilities, it’s MUCH easier!

So in June 2015, I managed to get a job as a reward analyst, something I haven’t done before, but it was at a large, reputable organisation and was loosely related to what I then thought I wanted to do. So I went for it! But, it didn’t work out. I was asked to do basic tasks, I never felt challenged, I didn’t fit in with the team and my manager couldn’t fully understand and utilise my potential. LESSON 2: Always appreciate working with nice people!It makes a huge difference! (More on that later)

But not all was bad, I managed to get tickets to go to Glastonbury Festival, something I wanted to for ages and as my then partner of 7 years wanted to go too, I kept trying to get tickets and I was ecstatic when I finally got them. If you haven’t been to Glastonbury, you should at least once in your life, it’s a different world, a magical world full of music, crafts, acrobats, meditation classes (and smell of weed) and lots lots more. I hope to go again at least once more now that I’m a completely different person. LESSON 3: If you really want something done, do it yourself!

In the meantime, my lovely, adorable, kind aunt was diagnosed with terminal cancer back in 2014, and her illness was taking over, so I did everything I could do to support my family back home, especially her daughter, my cousin. As her health declined in the summer I spent hours talking to my cousin, emailing her doctor as no one could give them a clear answer and comforting all relatives.

So, that when I had a wake-up call. I realised I wasn’t happy with my life and I knew I needed to make big changes…

How life can change in 6 months…

I’ve been meaning to start this blog a while ago but never found the time or the courage. But there is no better time than now!

My life changed dramatically in the last 6 months and by sharing my experiences and what I’ve learned, I hope I’ll learn more about myself and hopefully some of the lessons I’ve learned can be useful to others.

So join me in this journey, if you want to! I welcome any comments 🙂

Have a lovely day everyone!