depression – Lessons I learned after I turned 30

Mental Health Mondays – 3. My friend Alexei

Today I want to talk to you about my friend Alexei.

We met back in 2019, on a cool October morning. I had just moved to Reggio Calabria, in South Italy working as an EFL (English as a Foreign Language) teacher and I spent my morning lesson planning, then Alexei walked in. I still remember the first time I heard his beautiful, deep voice and Southern African accent, and I saw his wide smile.

Alexei had an infectious laughter and a unique, wicked sense of humour. He loved sarcasm and self-depracating humour. Although he was raised in South Africa, his parents were also Greek and he spoke a bit of Greek too. He loved and cared about everyone around him, one of the most empathetic people I’ve met. We connected straight away.

Despite a global pandemic forcing us to spend half of our teaching year indoors and online we managed to make unforgettable memories together like our long weekend in Palermo, wandering around, shopping, drinking, having a laugh and chatting about life, our random pizza dinners in town, co-presenting quiz night, our beach day in Tropea with the rest of the Reggio gang and many, many more little, every day interactions.

We never made it to Taormina or Pentadattilo together before leaving Reggio like we said we would, but he promised to visit me in Cyprus soon.

We messaged each other every now and then but we hadn’t chatted for about a year. Last time we spoke he was really happy with his new job and life in Vienna.

Suddenly, 5 days ago I saw a Facebook post about Alexei, that I still cannot believe.

He died a few weeks ago. He took his own life.

It breaks my heart to think how horrible and lonely it must have been for him. He cared deeply for so many people and we would all have supported him if he had just reached out. I also feel incredibly guilty I let life get in the way and we lost touch for a while.

Depression kills, and even more so amongst men, since society taught them since they were children that sharing their feelings somehow make them look ‘weak’. Alexei had no issue expressing his feelings and his struggles, he was always open about his life, his sexuality and his frustrations, which makes it even harder to believe he kept all this struggle for hismel and reached a point that life was so unbearable for him that he didn’t want to live anymore.

The reason I’m sharing this story is to remind myself and everyone else to keep in touch and check in with our friends and loved ones regularly and please please, if you are struggling, tell someone, you don’t have to go through it alone.

Alexei’s death was incredibly sad and painful for all of us who knew him and we’ve been sharing photos and stories of Alexei with each other over the last week, because that’s how we’ll remember him, having a laugh together, hearing his beautiful laughter and picturing his gorgeous smile.

Ci vendiamo Alexei, we love you.

Eleni

Lockdown fever (why lockdown needs to end asap)

Two days ago…

I woke up early, earlier than my usual ‘get out of bed’ time and I was trying for a few minutes to remember what day it was. Lately, everything in my brain is messed up, turned into a huge tangled up ball of information, dates, worries, anxieties and at times throughout the day I get tiny panic attacks thinking about three million different things at once.

Will I finish everything on time?

Will I meet all my deadlines?

Will I be able to book a holiday soon? Will I be able to travel this year at all?

Is this how life going to be from now on?

Will we ever go back to normal?

What is normal?

Do I like living back in Cyprus? When will I adjust and how amidst the pandemic chaos?

I miss the UK a lot, should I move back in a few years?

What do I even want to do with my life?

This is just a small sample that goes through my head, all day, every day.

I can’t switch off, my eyes often hurt from the amount of time I spend in front of a screen, let it be phone, laptop or TV and I feel so tired I have no energy to do much after work.

I have very little free time for myself, and even when I do, I’m most of the time too emotionally and mentally drained to do anything else other than read a couple of pages of a book, watch an episode of a series, or the Cypriot version of Chase. I still do my Yoga and started running again, the park near my new flat is gorgeous, so at least I have that.

I rarely see my friends, we mostly chat online and I visit my family once a week. Other than my flatmate-sister I don’t have any other significant social interactions.

I haven’t travelled in months, I haven’t even travelled within my island for a while.

My emotions are all over the place and I get teary quite easily, well, easier than before.

I haven’t slept well for a while, I put on weight because I snack a lot, being home all day my only breaks are to snack and most of the time I spend the day in loungewear.

Social media and message notifications never stop, day and night, an inevitable side effect of the lockdown. It’s hard to keep up and sadly, I admit I can’t really keep up. I can’t possibly read and reply to everything or stay on top of news, videos, articles etc I’m sent or come across (after watching the Social Dilemma on Netflix, I’m even more aware how algorithms work, so I try not to feed the monster that often, but it’s proven rather difficult, considering it’s virtually impossible to survive without technology, the internet, social media.).

On top of that, I’ve only been back to Cyprus for a few months and I have spent most of that time under unique conditions, I haven’t had the chance to find my feet and adapt to my new life. The daily horrific news, the archaic legal system, sexism, racism and a number of other social issues I hadn’t realised beforehand, haven’t made it easy, I must admit.

Lest we forget the inability to plan in advance, organise a holiday, make plans for the future, is just devastating to even think about.

It’s like we are stuck in Groundhog Day over and over and over.

In any other circumstances, dealing with each problem or situation individually it would have been easy to cope with, but dealing with all of them, anxiety, social isolation, social media overload, exhaustion and the list goes on, is unbearable. I feel I’m drowning, I can’t see light at the end of the tunnel, it’s as if the sun is forever hiding behind huge grey clouds.

And this is not just me. The majority of my friends, colleagues and other people I talked to feel the same, and I’m guessing they are not the only ones.

I’m lucky I have a job and I live with my sister, but for others, the second lockdown effects are much much worse. They live on their own with no support network, a lot of people are sadly unemployed and it’s incredibly hard for them to find a job, even a temporary one now under these circumstances and let’s not forget all the businesses and freelancers who went bust or are dangerously near bankruptcy.

I fear the repercussions and impact of this second lockdown (the first one was a completely new experience to all, noone knew what to do what was happening, now life is supposed to continue, despite the lockdown) will be long and painful.

Do the benefits of lockdown outweigh the horrible effects on mental health? Is it worth damaging our mental health permanently? There are children who were born and only experienced life in lockdown, there are children who went to primary school for a month before spending the rest of their first ever school experience at home, there are teenagers who started university online, there are young adults who entered the world of work for the first time straight working from home. Suicide rates have gone up, psychologist appointments are high on demand and many fellow humans suffer in silence.

I personally think that we’ve all had enough of the lockdown. It’s time to get out, let the sun shine again, live like human beings, hug and kiss each other again and just be careful and responsible so there isn’t another outbreak.

Amen.

Eleni

PS To cheer us all up a few poems I wrote and some travel articles I posted on my other blog are coming super soon (well, maybe not so much the poems, they are rather melancholic).

This is me

This post is for everyone who might be finding looking for a job amidst the pandemic even more painful, demotivating and soul destroying than it normally is.

Rejection after rejection can make you question yourself, your abilities, your self worth and that’s when you need to remind yourself of all your achievements and what you’ve done so far. I’m quite confident myself especially when it comes to my professional experience and knowledge and I still doubt myself when I can’t find a job. So…

This is me

I speak English and Greek fluently, I guess you can say I’m bilingual as after 11 years speaking mostly in English has caused my brain to think in English first. I also speak a bit of Italian and Spanish.

I have a LOT of qualifications (BA in Psychology, MSc Research Methods in Psychology, Qualification in Occupational Psychology, Occupational Testing, PRINCE2 Foundation and Practitioner, Online marketing fundamentals, CELTA) and during my 12 year work experience so far I accumulated a number of skills and knowledge in varied areas e.g. data analysis, reporting, event planning, research, promotional campaigns, teaching English etc.

I also volunteered for charities and in my free time I write (on this very blog as well as my travel blog I recently started kopiastekopiaste.wordpress.com), I love photography, making videos and I know a bit about digital marketing.

It helps to remind myself how far I’ve come and noone and nothing can take away my skills, knowledge and achievements from me. Comparing myself to others can only make me feel worse, we don’t all have the same opportunities, financial support and flexibility. I did the best I could with what I had and I continue to do so.

I’d also like to think that the right job will come at the right time and everything will just work out. Whatever I end up doing next, it might not be what I’m looking for, but I’m sure I’ll learn from it as much as possible. I may have to wait a little longer than I thought though and that’s OK.

I’m still the same capable, confident, knowledgeable individual.

If anyone’s interested in hiring me I can conduct research, occupational testing, create content, write articles, translate, manage social media accounts, teach English and above all help others. I’d love to work for the UN one day!

If this post helps even one person who’s in a similar position, I’ll be over the moon. Feel free to share your ‘This is me’ story, I’d love to watch it.

I made a video with the longer version of the blog. If you make a video too, tag me in so I can watch and share 🙂

Stay safe and well, wear your mask and remember, it’s okay not to be okay.

Namaste

Eleni

5 minutes of mindfulness

About two and a half years ago I went to a talk on recognising signs of mental health problems, by Hugh Clarke, the Former Head of Counselling services at London Met University and counselling Psychologist.

It was a brilliant talk (you can read about it here), informative, thought-provoking, we chatted about it for a while afterwards. I still remember how it started, a 5 minute mindfulness activity guided by Mr Clarke. I absolutely loved it and everyone in the room seemed to have enjoyed it too. No surprise there of course. Mindfulness (focusing in the present moment, whilst accepting one’s feelings, thoughts and body sensations, in a nutshell) has been scientifically proven to alleviate anxiety, reduce rumination, improve attention, manage chronic pain amongst many many other benefits .

A lot of people are sceptical, I was initially too. I had tried to practise mindfulness myself before that day but I found it incredibly hard to focus (my overthinking brain struggles to concentrate on just one thing at a time) and ‘aids’ I discovered (e.g. apps), made me giggle, perhaps too cheesy for me. But Hugh’s 5 minute guided exercise completely changed my mind. It wasn’t cheesy, funny, or superficial. It worked fine and by the time we were done I forgot about everything else and my whole attention was turned to the session. It was just perfect.

Fast forward to about a month ago, Nour and I were thinking of ideas on how to start our presentation for our ‘Survival Guide for New EFL teachers’ session and then I had an epiphany. Hugh’s mindfulness opening activity was so effective I still remembered it after all this time, and we all, especially newly qualified teachers desperately need to be able to focus in the moment, do one thing at a time instead of trying to multitask and failing miserably, so why not start our session by giving our audience 5 minutes to relax and forget about anything else?

So, I found a 5 minute mindfulness activity online, similar to Hugh’s but the language used was too ‘formal’ and frankly tacky, so I created my own using my personal experience and a mixture of Hugh’s activity and the ones I found online (I may have borrowed some beloved expressions from Yoga with Adriene). I thought I’d share it in case others would like to use it. A colleague suggested I made a video (for those that may want to try it on themselves) and I would love to but that takes time so for now here’s the instructions (remember to take your time with each step, check your participants’ reactions and act accordingly):

First, sit comfortably on your chair. Close your eyes and relax your shoulders. Place your feet on the floor, if comfortable, your entire soles touching the ground. If you want to giggle, then feel free to do so!
Take a long deep breath (take a deep breath yourself). Now let’s focus on your toes. Wiggle them, feel them, then curl them really tight. Keep curling…. and release. Take another deep breath.
Now move up to your ankles. Again, notice how they feel (pause) and now move on to your knees. Do they feel tense? If so, relax.
Any thoughts that may come up in your mind e.g. what you are doing after this, what you are having for dinner, imagine they are in a bubble and let them float away. Take a deep breath.
Now relax your bottom (pause), your pelvis (pause) and then begin to notice any tension you may have on your back. Take another deep breath.
Now focus on your shoulders. How do they feel? Now lift them up, lift, lift, lift and…. release. Wonderful. Take another breath.
Now relax your neck, gently twist your head left to right and let any tension go.
Now focus on your jaw. Is it tense? Are you clenching? If so, relax your jaw muscles and take a deep breath.
Finally focus on the top your head. Notice if you are frowning, we often do without realising, and relax your eye brows.
Now lift your shoulders once more, lift, lift, lift…. and release. Let any remaining tension go.
Now focus your attention on what’s happening in the room. Notice any sounds you can hear, any smells…
Take one last deep breath… and open your eyes. How are you feeling now?

Non parlo Italiano!

About two months ago…

I desperately needed a haircut. I couldn’t even look at my hair. Everything happened so fast I didn’t get the chance to have my hair cut before I moved to Italy and the last one I had was early in the summer in Southampton (I miss the UK so much more I dare to admit sometimes).

Of course it wasn’t about the hair. It was all about self care and I’d started neglecting myself, pretty dangerous for me, it lets the depression and severe anxiety demons creep in and slowly take over without me realising until is too late, so I had to get my hair cut. Urgently.

I’m not sure if you remember where I live now, it’s a small city where very few people you come across speak English, so even the thought of attempting to book an appointment I found intimidating.

But self-preservation prevailed and I wouldn’t let my very poor Italian get in the way. (My Italian hasn’t improved much since, in case you are wondering.)

If you asked me what the most common expression I’ve used so far during my first three months in Italy was, it’s not ‘scusi’, or ‘per favore’ but..

‘Non parlo Italiano’.

It’s my opening line most of the time. Oh no, I actually first speak in English, as I often forget they won’t understand me, then I notice the baffled expression on their face and I explain.

So here’s how I managed to get a (decent) haircut with minimal communication but plenty of awkwardness.

Eleni- ‘Hi, I’d like too…, oh sh**. Non parlo Italiano, parle Inglese?

Hairdresser- Mmmm, no… (waves at one of the other hairdressers who knows a bit of English apparently).

El- Taglio (cut). Pointing at my hair. ‘Un po’ (How the hell do you say ‘trim’ in Italian?)

H-Si. Quando? (Yes! Finally a word I know!)

El-Sabato, matina (morning)?

H– (After checking their appointment book). Mm, tredici? (1pm, Italians tend to follow the 24hr format).

E– Si, si, grazie!

Pheew. First step done. I managed to book an appointment!

Saturday (haircut day)

11pm

I couldn’t remember if the appointment was at 11am or 1pm. In my head numbers were mixed up the minute I left the hairdressers two day ago. Full time teaching does that to you, messing up your brain. So I went at 11am, just to check. The hairdressers burst into laughing. I thought I’d attempt to go food shopping since I got up anyway, but the supermarket was way too busy for my liking (Damn, I could have stayed in bed a little longer).

1pm

I walked in. I had no idea what to say or do. The place was full of customers chatting away. I felt paralysed, mute. I couldn’t let any words out. I didn’t know how to. I could understand some of the conversations but I couldn’t take part. A horrible feeling.

That’s how my students must feel… I kept thinking.

After about half an hour wait (which I was ‘lucky’ as quite often you wait way longer, I was told), I was summoned on the chair.

The stylist asked me how I wanted my hair. I managed to explain (thanks to Antonella, Elena and Google translate) that I just wanted a trim and layers but not too short.

I was terrified. What if she gives me a horrible haircut, what if I end up looking like a pencil?

Image result for fleabag i look like a pencil meme

We didn’t speak much after that. She couldn’t speak English, I couldn’t speak Italian. She made an effort, which I appreciated, she asked me if I was a student, thankfully I knew how to say ‘I’m an English teacher’. My second most used expression (‘insegnante di Inglese’).

An hour later and after a lot of miming and gesturing (and a few word exhanges partially thanks to similarities between Greek and Italian), I left the hairdressers relieved I didn’t look like a pencil, it was actually a decent haircut and cheap compared to UK prices (12 euros).

But it was the most awkward hairdresser’s experience I ever had. And kind of funny at the same time. I had a little giggle afterwards. It’s fascinating how we humans manage to communicate even when we don’t speak the same language, although sometimes we can’t communicate even if we do speak the same language. The irony.

A month later and I’m none the wiser when it comes to Italian. My timetable doesn’t allow me to attend Italian lessons anymore, though I’m still learning from my students, who feel incredibly proud judging by the huge smile on their face every time they teach me an Italian word.

I’m not sure I’d like to stay in (Southern) Italy after my contract ends, but one thing I discovered is that I love living somewhere I’ve never lived before, being thrown into the deep, learning how to… well how to adopt and survive in another country, another culture, another life. That’s something I definitely want more of.

For now, I’ll enjoy the rest of my stay at this little, odd town that is Reggio Calabria.

Namaste

Eleni

I won’t know where I’m going if I don’t know where I am…

A few days ago, I woke up in a sweat, tears streaming down my face, in the middle of the night. I saw my uncle Spyro in my dream, he looked so alive and healthy but he was sad. He knew he was going to die and I was painfully aware he was already dead. It took me a few seconds to realise where I was. I’m in Italy. How on earth all of this happened in just few months?

That’s when it hit me.

I have no idea what is going on. Not a clue. Now that the dust has settled and I’m getting into a routine, a routine I’m not familiar with and not quite sure how it should be, teaching English in a foreign country is brand new to me, I’m making time for myself to reflect, to make sense of what has happened in the last few months.

I don’t know where to start and how to end this post but here it goes.

I still sometimes feel I’m on a long, albeit random and bizarre holiday and I’ll be returning to the UK anytime now. I don’t miss my job, or the grey weather, OK I do miss British autumn, golden leaves across the park, hot chocolate at Mettricks, reading a book or watching silly TV on a Saturday afternoon with a blanket, a cup of tea and some chocolate biscuits whilst pouring down with rain outside, but other than that I don’t miss the UK.

I miss things from the UK, the convenience of it all (Amazon Prime aaah), actual little daily things like decent tea, Hobnobs and Chocolate Digestives, but most of all I miss my friends, my dear friends. Not that I don’t love my new colleagues and friends I’ve made already, but I miss my people.

So far I’ve enjoyed working as an EFL teacher. But is this the career I’d like to follow?

I don’t know, I genuinely don’t. I don’t even know if I’m any good at it. I’ll soon get feedback from my managers after they observe me but for now I’m doing what I think best.

Of course if I decide that’s not what I’d like to do long-term I can change careers again, but to do what?

For now I’ll give it time and not think that far ahead, but it’s always at the back of my mind.

I’m strangely not stressed or too anxious, not as much as I expected I’d be. Being one of the oldest teachers and having lived life already comes with its perks I guess. I do sometimes feel I let the rest of them down when I’m too tired or too ill or too old (in a ‘been there, done that’ sense) to follow them in some of their excursions.

It’s still unclear in my head whether I pursued this so fast to not disappoint my tutors who gave me a Grade A or to avoid dealing with my grandpa and my uncle’s deaths, I feel I haven’t processed still what has happened.

I remember the last time I was at my grandpa’s house, where my auntie now lives alone, without pappou Costa or theio Spyro and I caught myself waiting for them to show up. A horrible, sad realisation they will not ever again.

I also feel terrible guilt. I feel guilty I didn’t give my home, Cyprus more time. I was so occupied worrying not to get stuck I left after just a month. I didn’t travel across the island, I didn’t see all my friends and family. I needed an escape and ended up changing my plans at the very last minute.

I know deep in my heart I made the right decision leaving my job and leaving the UK. I’m not sure I made the right decision rushing into my first ELT job, but time will show.

For now I need to find myself again, I have felt the black cloud of depression getting closer over the last week and I desperately want to keep it away.

I need my remedies, my writing (which I’ve done a lot, this terrible cold I can’t shake off did me good in other ways), my Yoga- God I miss Adriene-, my guitar- God I miss my guitar-, and I need to feel like myself because at the moment… (I couldn’t have described it better than Wind and the Wave’s Lost)

That I won’t know where I’m going
If I don’t know where I am
But I feel more
I feel more
Lost

Eleni

Today I feel…

I came across a post yesterday on ‘Things that help with anxiety’ (or depression). I can’t remember exactly what it said -and I spent hours looking for it to no avail- other than one of the suggestions:

‘Every day write down how you feel…’

I suddenly had a light bulb moment. That’s what I need to do. I don’t really feel like writing or doing anything for that matter but maybe it will help, since my usual coping techniques haven’t been as effective lately.

I haven’t been feeling that well the last few days. Tired, drained, sad, numb, but also angry, easily irritated (I never felt so angry about the shitty weather, people being loud and other trivial, little things), anxious. A wonderfully disastrous cocktail of emotions. Hormones may have played a part (that week of the month, yes I’m talking about my period) but there’s more to that.

I didn’t do much at the weekend. I was so tired and drained I felt I couldn’t leave the house. And I didn’t. I felt horrible I didn’t go to see Kathy but I had no energy, I wouldn’t have been able to take her out for a walk.

I spent most of my time doing laundry (lots of laundry), watching TV, reading, a bit of singing on my guitar, some yoga. I felt better but my brain still worked overtime. I felt paralysed, as if the sofa and I were firmly bolted together, (though I managed to clean and make dinner) and at the same time the guilt of not doing much and obsessing on meaningless things for hours e.g. who was the actress in that film?Who DID we fight at World War I? was unbearable.

I put the first episode of After Life, Ricky Gervais’s new Netflix series on, about a man whose wife dies and he is in so much pain he decides to punish the world, and I was hooked instantly.

It was funny, sad, depressing, raw, unfiltered, saying out loud some of the horrible thoughts we all sometimes have but not dare say (I’ve read on the Guardian that some may be put off by the first episode because of Tony’s, the main character, apparent rudeness but I thought quite the opposite, that’s what makes it relatable, that’s what happens when you are in pain, it’s not nice but it happens) , and so very real. Anyone who has lost someone or who’s been depressed would relate. Also, great soundtrack.

I won’t reveal any spoilers but one of the messages coming out of the show was something I often torture my brain with. What is the point of living? Why do we try? Why live if we can’t think of a reason to stay alive?

Happiness is amazing. It’s so amazing it doesn’t matter if it’s yours or not. There’s that lovely thing: “A society grows great when old men plant trees the shade of which they know they will never sit in”. Good people do things for other people. That’s it. The end. Anne told Tony. Maybe that’s all there is. Live to make this world a better place. Do it for others if you can’t do it for yourself. Maybe.

It’s only 6 episodes and it’s meant to be a comedy, so it doesn’t go too deep but it’s definitely worth a watch.

https://www.netflix.com/title/80998491

Whilst talking to the little sis earlier today, I realised I go through a similar phase around this time of the year. A bout of sadness and numbness I can’t easily get out of, even with my best remedies in place. I normally go back to Cyprus for a week to restart, soak in the sunshine and the warmth, sit by the sea watching the waves…

… but this year it’s different. Ι don’t know when I’m going home yet but the little sister is visiting in three days. I can’t wait though I’m sad the other sis can’t join us. We planned an awesome week and it’s exactly what I need right now.

So how do I feel today? I feel better, though still sad, tired and incredibly anxious. I wish I was in the warmth and the sunshine by the sea but I’m also excited for the week ahead, dinner with friends, the little sister’s arrival, Linda’s leaving lunch, New Forest, London, Wicked, Brussels, Bruges. It’s gonna be a great one!

There won’t be a post this week but I’ll be back in a couple of weeks recharged and refreshed with plenty of stories and pictures.

Happy Monday and happy Green Monday to everyone celebrating Green Monday. Some of my most precious memories are sitting at the back of my uncle’s truck with my cousins, spending the day in the field trying to fly a kite, loving the strictly ‘lenten’ food, no meat or dairy but starving by the afternoon and my mum caving and let us eat whatever we fancied.

Anyway, time to finish work, go home and prepare for making more great memories later on this week.

PS if you are not at your best, try writing down how you feel. It works wonders.

Namaste

Eleni

Be brave my child, be brave

Wednesday morning…

I’m walking to work. It’s not that cold today so I can feel the extra layers of clothes weighing me down.

What if my mum gets dementia? What if she can’t remember me?? I teared up just thinking about it.

I watched a video yesterday with a woman talking to her mum in sign language in her car asking her if she recognises her. They have a minute long conversation and towards the end the mum asks the daughter:

Did I give birth to you?

She nods and they hug.

What if I die? My gums are still sore, what if it’s something serious and I end up dying here, now, away from my nearest and dearest? Every time anything hurts and doesn’t go away fast (and it doesn’t the older you get), BOOM, my mind is almost immediately imagining the worst possible scenario and anxiety levels reach new highs.

Am I a failure for considering moving back home for a while? Am I being ungrateful for wanting a change? Why am I not happy with my life as it is? Am I even good for anything else? I manage depression well nowadays unlike anxiety, but every now and then it finds a way, of course it does.

What is the point of living anyway if we’ll all die in the end? Julie’s death shocked me. A perfectly healthy early 50s year old who’s completed over 100 parkruns and had ran 10k a day before she suddenly collapsed and never woke up.

Now tears are streaming down my face and I’m almost at work.

Pull yourself together woman! At the end of the day, any decision will be scary. It’s never going to be a good time. So just be brave. And do what you feel is the best for you. You can’t do everything, you can’t live 100 different lives, so just do something, anything. I tell myself and walk in.

All this during a 15 minute walk, intermittent with actually listening to the music in my headphones before the next intrusive thought.

Oh no, don’t cry, it’s in your heart
So dry those eyes, keep holding on for your dear life
Be a soldier of hope!

I once took a picture that somehow sums up how I feel when I’m IN the upside down. It’s as if I’m trying to cycle through the park, in a misty morning, I can’t see much, all I can see is the post in front of me I’m terrified I’d hit, but the reality is, 5 minutes later? I’m out, the mist is lifted, I didn’t hit the post and I can now see the gorgeous lake.

This is only an example of an episode and it can happen multiple times a day.

I know this is just not me, I know you go through the same motions. We all do. So let’s talk about it.

Let it all out. I’m not weird, you are not weird. We are humans and that’s how our brains work and the more we talk about it, the more we can help each other and get rid of the stigma around it once and for all.

Since I started talking about it, I realised that I’m not crazy or the only one going through this, we are all in this together. It feels better almost instantly when you share.

One thing that helps me remind myself when I go through an episode is what Matt Haig beautifully put together in a few sentences.

Image may contain: text that says "You are okay You may feel like shit. Your mind might be beating yourself up You may think you aren' t going to make it. But just think of a time you felt bad before. And think of something good that happened in the interim. Some good shit will happen. Just wait."

I’m more confused than ever and I keep changing my mind about things every minute of every hour but one thing is for sure, I’ll never stop talking about mental health.

Eleni

Just doing January

A glorious clear blue sky, with perfect views of the sun, the sea. Then suddenly a dark cloud appears, and another one, and a few seconds later, rain and thunderstorm.

The blue sky: my mind. The views: life, happiness, serenity. The clouds: the ‘not pleasant’ thoughts. The rain and thunderstorm: depression and anxiety.

A million of those thoughts racing in my mind. The terrifying realisation of growing older, ‘when will I do everything I want?’ What if something happens to my family?, worry how and whether I can afford a new job? braces? travelling?, worry for my current job, ‘what if I’m made redundant, or downgraded?’, worry there’s not enough time in a day to write, play my guitar, do my yoga, draw, read a book, do more volunteering, see a film, watch a play, try new things. What if I die tomorrow and I don’t get to do any of this??

My heart starts to beat faster and faster, my hands are sweating, I forget to breathe and then…

Disappointment, self-doubt, ‘maybe that’s just it, maybe I can’t do any more. Stuck in the same place for ever… ‘

And finally, the worst of it all. Numbness. Emptiness. At random, unexpected moments it feels as if I can’t shake away this, this feeling of vainness, as if my ability to feel happiness has been suddenly taken away.

January is tough for me. Christmas (which I love) is over but winter (which I don’t) is not, summer is still months away, we are all back to routine (I hate routine). It’s dark and bitterly cold which makes it harder to do things outside the house and all the reminders that another year is over are not helping.

Of course I know all this is is in my head. For me though it’s real. It’s not all the time or all together (sometimes it’s just the anxiety, or the depression) I can still have a laugh, enjoy some things but sometimes I can’t get out of this maze.

So at a time of the year that most start afresh and focus on their New Year resolutions, are doing Veganuary, Dry January, Red January, what do I do? I’m just doing January. Just things that keep my anxiety and depression from affecting my functionality. Just surviving for now.

I still have a wishlist of things I’d love to do, a bucket list (I prefer to tick off things off my bucket list rather than have resolutions) and I’m a great believer you can start something anytime of the year, for now though I just need to get through this month.

But it can’t just be me that feels that way. Actually, I know for a fact it’s not just me. I’ve spoken to friends who go through the same motions. I’ve seen posts on social media from others who are finding it hard to fight the blues.

If you, like me are struggling this January, here’s some of the things that help me, hopefully they may help you or they may help you find what works for you.

Music. Most of the day, every day. Indie, folk, rock, pop, depending on my mood. I wouldn’t survived without my Spotify playlist.

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1Nd3V0sBsGU9wQdTRaF8X9

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DoTtedPFyhc

Yoga. Whatever happens I always go back to Yoga with Adriene since I discovered it back in 2017. My favourite yoga lady. Her 30 day yoga revolution is now on, every day a new video, a new session. That half an hour, 40 minutes a day is sometimes the only time I manage to keep the invasive thoughts away.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AFrWtw7YNlA

Food. Healthy, delicious food with a few unhealthy treats a week, pizza on a Friday, lunch with friends. It’s all about balance. I loved this wholefood vegan burger from cafe Thrive yesterday.

Reading. At the moment I’m reading Matt Haig’s (whose autobiographical books on anxiety and depression are humbly and beautifully honest, amazing) Notes On A Nervous Planet. Highly recommend following him on Twitter.

Friends. The show and real friends. Watching Friends never fails to make me laugh. And time with my friends. Talking to friends and family keeps me connected to the real world, otherwise detachment may overstay its welcome.

What helps you? I’d love to know what’s worked for others so we can inspire one another.

OK, off to do my yoga and have a nice cup of tea.

Eleni

‘Help me’, the most honest self-help book on self-help books.

15th of October, a gloomy, rainy afternoon

It’s been raining all day, well, at least since 10am when I finally woke up and dragged myself out of bed. I made a cup of coffee and snuggled on my sofa with a blanket. Sunday Brunch was on. I love this show but only watched for a short while and then grubbed my book. Help Me, by Marianne Power.

Shebs recommended it- ‘You will love it!’ she said- and I got it a few weeks ago but it’s been such a busy 14 days I didn’t get the time to read much more than about 100 pages since I bought it.

But after the last two weeks I burned out. Mentally and physically. That’s what I do when I struggle. I keep myself busy all the time to avoid being with myself. And then I crush.

I couldn’t read this book at a more appropriate time. I could relate to it at so many levels, so incredibly honest, thought-provoking and at points sad and hilarious. Not many books made me cry and laugh. I finished it that afternoon. So what is it about?

It’s about the author’s year long adventure, a mid-thirties journalist living in London who despite doing what she loves for a living and wonderful friends and family, she is not happy. Excessive drinking and wasting any money she earns ending up in huge debt has not helped so she decides to take on a quest. She will try and follow to the letter a self-help book each month for a year.

And she did-ish. From Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway, the Secret (not many books I dislike as much as the Secret), Tony Robbins the 10-Day Tony Challenge (who I personally think is just a salesman, making false promises to vulnerable people for a very expensive price), Get the Guy by Matthew Hussey to Daring Greatly by Brene Brown (Brene’s TedX talk on vulnerability is just brilliant).

She tried it all, from juicing diets, to deliberately attempting to get rejected, to swimming in a freezing lake in January, Tony Robbin’s ridiculous conference to a week long ‘Fuck it’ workshop in Italy. It all started well but during this she alienated herself from her friends and family, she broke down many times and in the end?

In the end she learned one thing: the only one who can really help you is yourself. No self-help book would magically transform your life.

I’m not sure whether I loved it so much because I could surprisingly relate to most of it (I’d say probably all of it except the job bit, I’m still stuck to a job I don’t enjoy and took everything out of it I could possibly take), single, for similar reasons, dealing with all the mid-thirties chaotic dilemmas and anxieties.

Thank you Marianne. Thank you for sharing your story, being vulnerable and opening up about what it feels like to be stressed, depressed, worried, sad especially nowadays is incredibly brave but also liberating. That moment when you realise what you are going through is more common than you think, that others not only understand but also have been through this themselves, is just magical, is what connects all humans on another level.

And thank you for beautifully, honestly and accurately describing how the quest of meaning and happiness in this crazy world is not an easy ride but appreciating what you have, loving and taking care of yourself and others make it worthwhile.

‘But I see now that perfection does not exist and happiness comes not from getting what you think you want but from opening your eyes and recognising that you have everything you could possibly need right now’ Marianne Power

Eleni