My blue denim jacket

Have you ever owned an inexpensive item of negligible monetary value that you absolutely love? And you recognise you love it purely because of its sentimental value?

I’m one of the least materialistic people I know. I’d rather spend the little income I make on experiences, travel, time with friends and family, not on things. So I never spend a huge amount of money on clothes or accessories.

I often though associate my modest belongings with precious memories or people and when I lose or break one of these precious to me pieces I grieve. I, of course, understand that it’s just ‘a thing’ and losing it shouldn’t matter, but it does. Because, for me, this ‘thing’ is a memory nugget, reminding me of a special friend, a loved one, an awesome day, a significant period of my life, and I’m terrified I’d forget whatever I associate it with, if I lose one of these memory nuggets.

I’ve lost or broken a few of these memory nuggets over the years, a set of earrings my sister got me, a memory card with photos from the UK and my most recent travels to Sicily, Rhodes and Belgium, a bracelet a dear friend got me, a pair of shoes I wore absolutely everywhere, and most recently, my blue denim jacket.

‘Come on, it’s just a jacket, get another one, the same even’ one might say. But it will never be the same.

I’ve got this jacket in June, 2019. I remember that because it was one of the last purchases I made before I left the UK. And as with the majority of my decisions, I browsed for hours, painstakingly looking for the perfect jacket. Why do I find it so excruciatingly difficult, even choosing a denim jacket? But, when I came across it on the Mango website, I knew that was THE one, at least what I had in mind.

I wore it the last time I’ve hugged goodbye my UK friends in Southampton in July.

I wore it a month later, during my CELTA course, one of the most challenging, painful but rewarding months of my entire life. I wore it during our lessons, I wore it when Jonny hugged me after I told him with tears in my eyes that my grandpa had died the day before and I wore it when I hugged my classmates goodbye.

I wore it on my way back to Cyprus after 11 weird and wonderful years in the UK and on my way to Italy a few months later.

I wore it during my first year teaching at Reggio, an experience I’ll never forget and on my way back to Cyprus after going through the first wave of the global pandemic outbreak in Italy, one of the worst-hit countries.

So today I grieve the loss of my blue denim jacket and with it the friends and places I miss.

Eleni

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My last Touch evening

Never would I ever imagined when I signed up to volunteer as an events assistant at Touch in April 2018 that a year later I’d be hosting a story telling evening, my last one in front of a buzzing, packed Coffeelab.

I still remember, vividly, the first ever Touch event I went to, at Talking Heads before it closed down. I remember I left feeling emotional and touched. What a great idea to inspire one another, by sharing our own stories about ill mental health, struggles we overcame and how we cope in this mad world. What a great shrine of hope in this sometimes dark world. https://elenisworld.org/2018/04/24/a-beautiful-evening-of-real-life-stories/

Since then every single event has been incredible.

From A foster carer, a former priest and other super humans…
https://elenisworld.org/2018/06/18/a-foster-carer-a-former-priest-and-other-super-humans-a-night-to-remember/

to an afternoon of songs and stories https://elenisworld.org/2018/09/11/an-afternoon-of-songs-and-stories/

a small, intimate evening in the cosy Jenny’s cafe in Hamble https://elenisworld.org/2018/11/01/tea-cake-and-life-stories-in-hamble/

to laughter and cry in Hythe https://elenisworld.org/2018/12/04/blogmas-day-3-tea-laughter-and-cry-in-hythe/

and one of the most amazing, magical evenings I had in my entire life:
https://elenisworld.org/2018/11/19/twas-the-night-of-superhumans/

I met incredible humans, standing in front of strangers sharing their most intimate, personal stories. It made me realise not only how many extraordinary people, everyday heroes live amongst us, but also how similar we all are, how we worry and struggle with the same things. We are not alone.

The founder, lovely Debs, the amazing Hannah and all the volunteers who joined since, are the nicest, kindest people I’ve ever met and they made my last storytelling event even more special.

Since I nervously stood in front of that crowd in BySea Cafe almost a year ago, the first event I ever hosted, I hosted many since, I absolutely love it, so when Debs asked me to host my last one, I said yes straight away (she also asked me to share one of my stories but I didn’t have time to prepare, I will do one day!).

It was another unforgettable evening with inspiring stories from Saire and Laura’s wonderful friendship, supporting each other throughout their ill mental health ups and downs, Claire’s epic journey with October Books, Chris’s incredible life story to Trago Lounge’s Matt and Reuben, two lovely men who run Trago Lounge as well as fundraising for Touch.

At the end of the evening Debs and Rachel surprised me with a gorgeous bouquet of tulips and roses, my favourite.

Thank you to everyone at Touch for all the amazing memories, stories and inspiration, especially to Debs and Hannah, for all your love and support.

I’d encourage anyone to volunteer for Touch, they do amazing work on raising awareness and encouraging people to talk about mental health and if you ever come across a Touch poster, go in. You’ll come out refreshed and for a while believe in humanity again.

I learned a lot from volunteering for Touch but the biggest lesson was to never stop sharing and talking about mental health.

PS Debs, I’ll definitely try starting something similar in Cyprus if I have enough time before I leave again.

Eleni

Blogmas Day 3: Tea, laughter and cry in Hythe

Monday 3rd of December

Today is all about the latest Touch event last night,  this time at Hythe. It was the last one I could attend for this year and I wouldn’t miss it, no matter how tired I was.

I’m glad I didn’t. It’s as if the evening was sprinkled with Christmas magic. You’ll see why…

I didn’t know what to expect after the last one I’ve been in Eastleigh.  Every Touch evening I’ve been has been incredible, but that one was very special. And last night was definitely one of my favourite so far. 

There were no staff at St Andrews church cafe, so Rachel and I were on tea and coffee duty, which I enjoyed more than I thought I would. If only waitressing paid as well as my current job!

The first speaker was our own Debs who’s been sharing her story of how she founded Touch two years ago (you can read it here) at our events across Hampshire and although I’ve heard it twice so far, last night was different. Debs shared more than she did before, she moved everyone, she made everyone laugh. It was the perfect start.

Next up was Emily* (not real name), who Debs interviewed. And she was incredible. She told us all about her tough childhood, her struggles with depression, alcohol and drug addiction and the muscle disease she’s been living with since she was a teenager. 

What I loved most about Emily was her sense of humour and her honesty. She somehow made talking about serious, sensitive, deeply personal matters very easy and natural. 

As Emily herself said due to her stubbornness and honesty, her greatest strengths and weaknesses, and the love for her children, she never gave up, despite the physical and mental problems, dealing with unemployment due to her condition and so many other obstacles life threw at her.  She learnt that being strong and independent doesn’t mean you shouldn’t ask for help and support, it actually means the opposite. 

She is now 7 years clean and every day wakes up knowing there is a reason she is on this earth, there’s a reason she wakes up and she is doing her best with whatever life gives her.

I had the chance to meet Emily after the break, as she came over to ask for another cup of tea and I was in such awe, I didn’t know what to say to her. So I made a complete fool of myself as one does and just said ‘You are so cool’. That’s the only thing I could come up with!

She smiled awkwardly, replied with a thank you and went back to her table. I’m such an idiot!

Next up was Denise* (not real name). Denise had a completely different life to Emily. She had a great life, a great husband, they had their first child as planned, everything was going well and then she suddenly didn’t feel like herself. She was diagnosed with post-natal depression a few months later, after she heard all the ‘advice’ most people give to you when you are struggling with depression. 

-‘Cheer up’, ‘Your life is great, there’s nothing to be sad about’

You get the gist. A few years later, with great support from her family and therapist,  she managed her depression with no medication. And all of a sudden, after partially losing her hearing on one ear, she was diagnosed with a brain tumour, which to begin with didn’t cause any other problems. Denise worried that her depression will flare up again but she tried her best to forget about her tumour and got on with her life. Until about a year ago, when her tumour grew and became dangerous. So she had to have an 8-hour surgery and re-teach her brain with physio how to use the left side of her body.

She is still to the day dealing with the side effects of her surgery but is feeling much better. She shared her story to say it’s OK not to be OK and it’s OK to talk about it. Another amazing human.

Last but not least  was Heather (I’ve used Heather’s real name as she has shared her story in public before). Another astonishing story, another extraordinary human. Heather caught a life-threatening infection after a holiday and woke up in intensive care, fighting for her life. What actually brought her back from coma was her love for her son, Will. With not much support other than few friends and her mother, she moved back home after 6 months in hospital and pushed herself to get better and after a long, painful recovery, she was eager to help others.

A few years later she became a carer of her beloved mother, who suffered from severe back pain, which they later discovered was advanced metastatic cancer. Sadly her mum died of cancer a year ago but Heather is grateful.

Grateful she is alive,  grateful of the lovely friends she made during her ordeal, who were there last night to cheer her on, grateful that her friends nominated her for Strictly’s Comic Relief and met her favourite dancers and celebrities.

She has since founded a charity, Where There’s A Will, to support ICU patients and their families.

What a marvellous evening.  One of the highlights was a, at first glance serious man, who didn’t say much but by the end of the night he was moved so much he almost cried and thanked everyone and he couldn’t wait for our next event.

‘Anywhere will that be, I’m there, I’ll follow you anywhere’

On our way back, I asked Debs where she finds these amazing people. Debs answer sums it all really, that’s what Touch is all about…

‘I don’t find them, they find me… but it’s easy really, because everyone is amazing in their own way and tonight was a great example. Three completely different but amazing people. Everyone is amazing and everyone has a story and I’m grateful I bring these people together and make them feel comfortable to share their stories.

And people like that man, who was touched by the stories and loved it so much he asked us if we recorded it so he can watch it back as soon as he goes home, makes it all worthwhile’.

That’s what Christmas is all about really isn’t it? It’s all about people, helping each other, inspire one another and that’s what Touch does.

Eleni

Tea, cake and life stories in Hamble

Balm for the soul, that’s how it felt, every story, every conversation, every laugh it was as if an invisible hand holding my heart smothered it in balm, soothing, healing balm.

Tuesday, 30th of October, 2018

The day finally arrived for the next Touch event, one of the highlights of my month.  I love everything about it, the atmosphere, the venues, usually at intimate, cute little cafes, the incredible stories, the people, it’s all about the people.  To be there when another human decides to bare all, share their story and be vulnerable in front of strangers is so beautiful, it brings me to tears.

Debs asked me if I’d like to host again and I’m glad she did. The first time I did it I was tiny bit nervous and also going through another confidence crisis due to a recent rejection which resulted in me stumbling a little, worrying whether maybe my accent might me too heavy and people can’t understand a word I’m saying, they might not like me or they wonder what the hell I was doing there, so now it was the perfect opportunity to just be the usual me, well almost, all things going wrong lately have taken its toll and I find it unbelievably tempting to hide from everyone and everything.

This event took place in Hamble, for the first time, thanks to Tesco Bags of Help. Did you know that Tesco uses the money they raise from the sale of carrier bags to fund local projects across communities in the UK? I had no idea. But Touch applied for funding and Tesco Bags of Help kindly donated money for Debs to run events across Hampshire, for free, and this was the first one.

So around 6:30pm, Hannah, Rachael, Debs and I were at the cutest little cafe situated on a picturesque street in Hamble, Jenny’s cafe, preparing for our story telling evening.

Question jars and fliers on the tables, mic set, and after I met all our lovely speakers, I had a warm chamomile tea and a slice of delicious Raspberry Bakewell cake, I was up to introduce our first guest.

This time I had a quick glimpse at my notes to make sure I don’t forget any important information and the most wonderful thing happened. I made everyone laugh. I could not believe it. What an amazing feeling. That moment right there, was one of those rare ones I felt overwhelmingly happy. I haven’t had one of these since early September, sitting on a swing on the most beautiful terrace at Cyherbia botanical park.

After my short introduction, Bhavin stood up in front of a now full of people cafe to share his life long struggle with low self-esteem, depression and severe anxiety. He is now doing so much better he made it to Hamble to talk to a group of strangers about it. He was nervous, his hands were shaking but he did it. And I can imagine how hard it might have been for him. I know first hand how debilitating anxiety can be, I know how it can physically and mentally paralyse you and it takes all your strength to control it. This is a prime example of what Touch is about. It’s such an honour and privilege to be there when a wonderful human shares his most personal, vulnerable story.

After presenting Bhavin with his ‘I told my story’ badge, Jan was up to share her story. It was, like Bhavin the first time she came to a Touch event and the first time she shared her story in public. Jan had an accident a while ago, which immobilised her for 14 weeks. For someone as active as Jan it was incredibly hard. She couldn’t cook, walk, drive, walk. And although tough, through her experience she discovered what a wonderful Community she lives in. Her friends and neighbours would make her dinner, drive her to the hospital, keep her company, made her feel she is never alone. She not only learned that it’s OK to ask for help but also that people love to help. 

After a short break for more tea and cake and chats, it was time for Paul to share his story. I had no doubt he’d be a great speaker. I’ve met him earlier in the evening and he is one of those naturally charismatic people who makes you feel comfortable talking to him, truly listens and gives you all his attention.

I couldn’t believe that Paul used to hate public speaking. He avoided it for years and one day, whilst training on presentation skills realised that what he was scared was not public speaking, he realised he was terrified of being the centre of attention, due to his troublesome childhood. Coming to this realisation was not easy but he is now a life coach and loves public speaking. This the power of human nature. When you stop for a minute and take the time to look inside, be brave to face your fears and understand what it is that’s causing it, not be scared to be vulnerable. That’s when you become friends with yourself and can move forward.

The last speaker of the evening was our own Debs. Debs told her story many times before (you can watch her beautiful Southampton Tedx talk here), that’s what led her to found Touch but tonight it was a different story, one that I haven’t heard before. She talked about her journey, from a support worker, charity worker to a successful freelance project manager working in London. But that wasn’t her, that didn’t put her talents, her social skills and love of talking to people and her creativity to best use. So she quit and took a leap of faith and did what she always wanted to do, help others first hand by starting a social enterprise, Touch where anyone can come and share their own personal story and inspire one another.  See, that’s when humans flourish, doing what they love. You just need to get over the scary part of taking the risk and ask. If you won’t ask, you’ll never know.

Here’s a little video of last night’s speakers the lovely Sam put together.

 

 

What a great end to a truly wonderful evening. Thank you to all the amazing speakers, the lovely guests who came to listen to all the inspiring stories, Lizzie at Jenny’s Cafe for her hospitality and delicious cakes and Debs and Hannah for introducing me to such a great community and letting me be a part of their amazing team.

That was one of the very few times in the last month or so I forgot about every single worry and pain. That was balm for the soul, my soul.

If you’d like to share your story or volunteer with us all details on the Touch website. And if you fancy coming along to one of these amazing evenings here is a list of all our future events. The next one is at the Point at Eastleigh, on the 18th of November and it’s free!

Eleni

July the 16th

There’s not much to say for the actual day. That’s what normally happens doesn’t it? It’s always the build up before the big day that causes most of the angst and it’s almost never as bad as you think it will be.

Monday, 16th of July

I woke up bright and early despite the exhaustion and the slight hangover (all worth it Jaba!). I had plans for the weekend I was not willing to cancel because of the move. Jazz night in London on Saturday, Mark’s 50th BBQ party on Sunday, I couldn’t possibly miss either so I spent the little time I had in between to pack and on Monday morning I was almost ready.

I had a last cup of coffee at the old place, finished packing and headed to the agency to fill in the paperwork and get the keys. On my way there I kept thinking of everything that happened the last 6 months. I know this is just in my mind, a symbolic gesture but it felt I can leave all of it behind, in that flat. As if never happened. Although it did. But I take what I learned from each and move on. Somehow every time it feels easier.

I went back home and waited for Barry, my removal man. After about two hours it was all done. Barry and his wife were just brilliant. Although I had more stuff that I originally thought, they squeezed everything in their van and didn’t charge me extra and they took special care of my more precious belongings.

I had no furniture other than my bed, a dressing table and a TV stand so after I unpacked most of my things, I put some blankets and cushions in a corner of the living room and connected the TV. It would do for now…

I was unbelievably happy I finally moved back on my own. Still, after two months, I catch myself smiling when thinking I now live alone again and I love everything about my new place, the space, they layout, the balcony, I even made a new friend, Mr Coco Flaps (thanks to Dan and Emma’s wonderful children who helped with the name).

Mr Coco Flaps

I tortured myself over the last couple of months overthinking, wondering if I was the problem.

Did I overreact? Should I have put up with living with someone else for a bit longer? Dirty dishes in the sink, not paying the Council tax and not saying anything until I got a letter (the first one I didn’t get to see until yesterday) from the Council. Surely it’s not just me who wouldn’t put up with this?

Did I cause getting ghosted twice over the last six months? Have I sub-consciously done something to make people disappear with no explanation? I would have never done that to anyone and it still shocks me that people think it’s OK to do that.

If that happened to you too, it is definitely NOT you. It’s not your fault if others are not brave or honest enough to just say what they think and what they feel. 

I’m not sure if everything happens for a reason. But you certainly learn from every single experience. Sometimes is a reminder of something you already know, sometimes it’s a brand new lesson and sometimes through a bad experience, you make new friends, you become closer to your existing friends and you appreciate life more. 

I’m a firm believer of starting over whenever you want to, it doesn’t have to be New Year or New Week or New Day, it could be a New Second, you can decide to change your life anytime, but moving into a new place is a de facto new start and an opportunity to hit the refresh button. There’s still a lot I want to do and as much as I try it’s not going to happen overnight, all this ‘When you desperately want something, the universe will make it happen’ is simply not true. Your life changes for the better when you keep trying and keep improving yourself. Just remember to be happy with where you are right now, love your self unlimitedly and don’t forget what you achieved so far. I certainly remind myself often.

As Adriene would say the light in me bows to the light in you.

Namaste

Eleni

 

 

An afternoon of songs and stories

I came back from Cyprus on a sunny Friday afternoon.  An eventful return, delay after delay, twelve hours on the go with a heavy heart and my mind buzzing, thinking of what I can do to get out of the routine I was about to get back into, already missing the sun and exploring my home island, already missing the sea, the love and the people.

I didn’t get into my little ‘under construction’ home until late at night and Saturday went too fast. But I had something to look forward to on Sunday.

The next Touch event. I’m so lucky to volunteer for such a great charity. Every time I leave inspired, motivated, touched.

This one was even more special. A collaboration between the amazing Love Soul Choir run by Dan, one of my favourite humans and Touch, songs and stories at probably my favourite venue in Southampton, Harbour Lights.

Music, soul’s medicine and real life, every day, inspiring stories. I knew before I got there it would be a great one.

After a short glorious walk on a sunny, unexpectedly warm afternoon I arrived there a bit early to help out. I loved being down at the reception directing guests upstairs. I was more than once mistaken for Harbour Lights staff and I loved directing people to the till, to the screens, to the bar. The little every day surprises I find amusing.

Many familiar faces in the crowd, Bev, Lucy, Svetlana.

2pm and we are about to start. After a short intro Love Soul is up, warming up the audience with their incredible vocals and then Vie, the first speaker, takes the mic.

She is wearing a black coat the other way around, and lets her hair down, covering her face. That’s who she was for the first thirty years of her life. She was told since the tender age of six that she was ‘fat and ugly’ by her own family. She was bullied to believe she would never become anything special.  How sad to be made to feel like that by your loved ones.

But after she discovered burlesque dancing her life completely changed. She became a qualified trainer, a motivational speaker, a bright example dressed in pretty 50s vintage clothes with flowers on her gorgeous hair, for young people to follow.

After Vie, Love Soul entertained us with a few more songs before the break and then Andy, our second speaker got up. What a life he and his wife already had despite their young age.  Seizures, miscarriage, a devastating brain tumour diagnosis and radiotherapy for his wife… But they never lost hope, they kept going and through their faith and support from their family and friends they made it through and they are both and their two lovely boys well and happy.

Andy writes beautiful poems and he read a couple to us. He even brought copies of his book Uplifted and gave them out for free. This one is the last he read, which sums up his life attitude:

Remedy

There it is, suddenly

Something so much bigger than me

Feeling that significance is my life’s

Parody

Revelation is my remedy

It’s not who I am

It’s who has my destiny

Got no strength; I am weak

Yet the great I AM is the conqueror

Where all I see defeat

No broken promises

Just incomplete

All things to good, I believe

My only hope

My remedy

Love Soul was up next singing two more songs and then it was time for our final speaker Abby.

Another in-cre-di-ble story, another amazing human. Abby was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder when she was 25, after years of minimal sleep, pain, lows and highs. Solent Mind supported her throughout her journey and after becoming a motivational speaker and a mental health advocate she is now running her own project, Heads Up, delivering workshops to young people of all ages in schools, colleges, anywhere there are young people, raising awareness for mental health so she can help others from as early as possible.

What an astonishingly immaculate difference it will make to a person’s life to get diagnosed and get help as soon as they can feel that something is wrong, to know that it is OK not to be OK and not suffer in silence for years.

After Abby’s speech Love Soul closed the event with a final song. What a beautiful ending to an already marvellous afternoon.

I can’t wait for our next event. Still, after five months of volunteering for Touch it surprises me how everyone has a story to tell, how I can relate to all in some way, how many amazing humans are out there and how inspired I get from each one of them. I truly hope that one day we live in a world that accommodates openness and honesty,  where feeling vulnerable is not a weakness and everyone feels comfortable to share their story and learn from each other .

Eleni

 

A foster carer, a former priest and other super humans: A night to remember

Thursday, 14th of June

Hannah picked me up from home. We are heading to BySea cafe in Portswood. The next live storytelling event is about to start in a couple of hours and I’m a tiny bit nervous. But I can’t wait. Exhilarated.

I keep hearing this in my head. Somewhere in the desert there’s a forest…And an acre before us…

Today is going to be a special one, I can feel it. As soon as I’ve read about the speakers.

Hannah and I went early to set up. It was all done in less than half an hour, we even had time for a cup of tea and an enormous slice of cake. The portions at Bysea are huge.

Tea and cake, BySea Portswood

I’m a little nervous because Debs asked me to host tonight’s event, talk at the start, introduce the speakers and bring it all to an end after the last speaker.

I love chatting but I never spoke in front of an audience before. I guess I did if you count the short speech at the last year of primary school, when I was 12 (which my cousin wrote for me, she was 18 at the time and was just about to study pedagogy to become a prime school teacher, she always wrote beautifully) and about 3 years ago the eulogy at my aunt’s funeral which again my cousin wrote, but this time it was for her mum and I was reading it on her behalf. Hardest thing I had to do in my life ever. To the day.

But I never ever spoke in English in front of an audience.

I don’t get too stressed nowadays, not any more but I was still a bit anxious. And also excited.

What’s the worst it could happen? 

Just before 8pm.

The place is buzzing. Debs and Hannah were worried not many people will show up, there were a couple of other events on the same night, but the place is full.

Time to go up!

I don’t want to look at my notes much so I look around, at our guests, into their eyes.

God everyone is staring at me! Why?

You are talking to them you silly. You are the centre of the attention. They are supposed to look at and listen to you.

I panicked for a second and I forgot a couple of things I needed to say, it’s OK you can mention them late, so I went ahead and introduced our first speakers.

Jon and Chris.

(I struggled to find the right words that can capture the beauty of their story. I hope I did it justice).

A sweet couple,  Jon and Chris came up on stage, and read out loud their story in turns. The story of their beloved daughter Katie. From the little I learned about her through her parents, she must have been an amazing human being. Despite all the tough ‘challenges’ (I hate this word, it cannot capture the pain, the torture, physical, emotional and mental that one can experience) life through at her, disability, cancer, she was determined to live life to the full.

She lived on her own, she drove, she studied at University and although when she was first diagnosed with cancer she was given a few years to live, she lived 17 more years. She proved them wrong!

She was incredibly strong, brave and considerate until the very end. The night before she died she listened to her friend talking about her everyday problems and worries, although she was in terrible pain herself. That’s the kind of person she was.

Jon and Chris went on to talk about how they are dealing with their grief, after Katie passed away 18 months ago and how their faith helped them. A friend once told Jon how grief is like a circle, the circle is all about the loved one you lost and at the start, you are in the centre of the circle, you cannot see past the sadness and the chaos. But as time goes by, you get out of the circle and it gets smaller, you can see beyond it, but it’s always there. You learn how to live with it. (I hope I remember it correctly, I got emotional at this point, it reminded me of my aunt, her death and how each of us are coping with it, in different ways, two and a half years later).

They took up new hobbies, e.g. Jon went on a cooking training class so she can teach others how to cook and they still do things Katie liked, not to reminisce and feel sad, but because they enjoy them too.

By the time they were done, I was already in tears. But it was time to get up and introduce the next speaker. I was so emotional I forgot to thank them publicly, on the mic, after I’ve given them their ‘I shared my story’ badges. What an idiot!

Dominic

Next up it was Dominic. He started off with a poem (he had the smoothest, most beautiful voice, I hope he seriously considers my suggestion of him start doing podcasts)…

Breathing under water

I built my house by the sea.

Not on the sands, mind you;
not on the shifting sand.
And I built it of rock.

A strong house
by a strong sea.
And we got well acquainted, the sea and I.
Good neighbors.
Not that we spoke much.
We met in silences.
Respectful, keeping our distance,
but looking our thoughts across the fence of sand.
Always, the fence of sand our barrier,
always, the sand between.

And then one day,
-and I still don’t know how it happened –
the sea came.
Without warning.

Without welcome, even
Not sudden and swift, but a shifting across the sand like wine,
less like the flow of water than the flow of blood.
Slow, but coming.
Slow, but flowing like an open wound.
And I thought of flight and I thought of drowning and I thought of death.
And while I thought the sea crept higher, till it reached my door.
And I knew, then, there was neither flight, nor death, nor drowning.
That when the sea comes calling, you stop being neighbors,
Well acquainted, friendly-at-a-distance neighbors,
And you give your house for a coral castle,
And you learn to breathe underwater.

 

Sr. Carol Bieleck, RSCJ
from an unpublished work

Dominic’s life was full of ups and downs, a friend used to call him Forrest Gump. And by the end of his talk I understood why.

The strict, often cruel teachers at the boarding school he went to, put him down, repeatedly told him he ‘won’t amount to much’.

Later in life he discovered he’d like to become a priest. It wasn’t an easy ride, he couldn’t even afford to buy the essentials on the list he was given, and he’d often borrow from the church in Portswood.

Five years after he became a priest, he suddenly, fell in love. He gave up priesthood to marry the love of his life.

After that he dealt with redundancy ‘One day I was a chief operative for a charity, the next day I was down at the job centre’  and other hurdles that came his way over the years.

His message: Life is unpredictable, you never know what the next day will bring you, but life is also beautiful, and when you learn to breath underwater, to face everything without drowning or giving up, you build a deepest, most meaningful appreciation for life.

Sam

The third speaker, Sam lost his dad to cancer about two years ago.

He found it hard to process his grief, until he discovered open water swimming.  ‘Those fifteen minutes when swimming becomes automatic and you don’t have to think about moving your arms or your legs, those fifteen minutes of clarity of mind’.

When I heard this my mind went straight to meditation and how I feel when I do my yoga.

And just after I thought of that, surprisingly, Sam said ‘my friends told me when I described it to them, that’s similar to meditation’.

I kept thinking what was the one thing that helped me the most to overcome my grief three years ago. Writing. That’s what helped me. This blog. 

Sam started a website since, Sporting Heads, where he shares stories, similar to his of mental health benefits of sports and exercise.

Jenny (ft Annie)

The last speaker Jenny (with the help of her dear friend Annie who interviewed her) is a foster carer. She fostered 52 children in 13 years!!

Jen shared incredible anecdotes of her life as a foster carer. What came across strongly was Jen’s unconditional love and care for the children, despite everything that comes with fostering a child.

A little girl she fostered used to defecate every time someone compliment her. Every time someone said ‘Isn’t she lovely?’. She is now doing much better, thanks to Jen.

This is just one of the many stories she shared with us.

Jen wouldn’t be able to do what she does without her support network, her friends, her family, her husband and ten children, and the community.

It’s not always easy, actually it’s not easy full stop. Most children come from troubled families, some they’ve been neglected others have been abused, they often struggle emotionally and physically, but with Jen’s love, care and patience, they grow stronger.

Annie read as a letter from one of Jenny’s foster children. It was impossible not to tear up.

I could sit and listen to these two ladies all night.

What a great way to end this wonderful evening.

At the end I got the chance to chat to some of these wonderful humans.

I asked Dominic about the poem he recited and told me how he came across it. He read it in a friend’s book, an American priest and was actually written by a nun. He gave me a copy to take home. What a sweet man.

I had a great chat with Annie, who I found out earlier amongst a million other things she does, she runs Communicare, a Southampton mental health charity tackling loneliness and isolation, which I recently signed up as a volunteer. Superwoman!

I went home feeling inspired, touched, blessed, happy, honoured I got to introduce and hear the stories of these amazing people.

If you have a story to share, get in touch. Everyone has a story. We all have a story. And that’s what Touch is all about, share our stories, learn from each other, touch each other’s lives.

And if you get the chance, come along to one of the events. Intimate, inspirational, so beautifully simple, humanity at it’s best.

 

Namaste

Eleni

Nothing stays the same and nothing changes… (part 1)

Tuesday morning

I just woke up. Where am I? I’ve been having dreams about a friend, the same friend for two or three nights and they never end well, I can’t understand why… what is my brain trying to tell me? I wake up confused.

Two days ago I was on our amazing One Sound show, singing with my colleagues in front of 700 people and the next day knackered having a Sunday coffee with a friend and then watching Beast at Harbour Lights, a film I’m still thinking about.

But now I’m in the summer PJs my mum got me (pink floral Good Vibes written on the top, very fitting), it feels warm, no it feels hot, I must have sweat a lot last night. I remember. I remember my long day of taxi, train, flight. I remember the airport guard looking for a specific guy on my flight but he never showed up, I remember watching Schindler’s List on the plane (why I thought it’d be a good time to do that I don’t know,de-press-ing), my sisters and my mum at the airport…

I’m at home… my other home, my first home…

It always feels weird the first day or two I’m back. No matter how often I may visit, I always get this ‘out of place’ feeling every time. As if I travelled for days and I’m  now on another planet, an utterly and completely different life that’s somehow very familiar.

I guess it is. I’m a different person here, but also the same. Does that make sense? I’m not sure it does but I have a feeling that expats will get it.

Every time I come home I remember the person I used to be before I left, how I changed over the years, how I grew up, how living in the UK has changed me, but somehow deep down I’m still the same little girl. Am I a different person here or just a different version of myself?

I guess I subconsciously adapt to the environment, different people, different culture, different weather. Different but familiar… A familiar environment, everything is familiar but not as familiar as it used to be. People here are more open, more affectionate. I forget how they stare, how they start a conversation with a stranger with such ease. And after a day or two I’m more open and ‘more’ of everything myself. The wonders of human nature. How easily we learn and adapt to a different way of living… especially when we lived it before in ‘another life’.

Why am I thinking all of this now? Maybe it’s because I didn’t have any time to think for the last week or two, maybe a walk at the beach and a coffee by the sea with friends will help…

I keep mumbling Bastille’s Pompeii… But if you close your eyes, does it almost feel like nothing changed at all? And if you close your eyes does it almost feel like you’ve been here before?

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Wednesday morning

Marios, the hairdresser remembers me and my friends in primary school. He remembers me playing my guitar… How? Why can’t I remember him? I wonder what my childhood friends are now doing… I later in the week discover that one of them is now a well known chef in Cyprus, Charalambos! I recognised him as soon as I saw him on TV. Last I remember of him was 10 year old us playing outside my grandma’s house. I have a picture of us on the school nativity play, he was Joseph and I was Holy Mary…

 

Later in the day…

I just got a message and a rainy snap from a friend back home. I sent him a snap of me in my summer attire. I finally escaped the longest winter, my longest winter in the UK. I smile… I’ve been chatting to two of my friends back… home all week. I don’t mind, I actually prefer it. I somehow don’t want to forget my ‘other’ life. It’s part of me.

I meet my little sister’s friends, her co-stars in the musical they’ve been working hard on for the last six months. I’ve heard so much about them and I can now put together faces and names. Although we just met they welcome me with such love and affection I find it moving and can’t stop smiling. They’ve heard a lot about me from my little sis and couldn’t wait for me to visit, and I’ve heard a lot about them, it feels as if we’ve already known each other for while. One of them wants to speak in English, he likes my ‘British’ accent. I giggle to myself. As much as I can try, I can never completely escape my ‘British’ self.

Later in the same day…

The three of us, again, like back in the day, in our uni years, having a drink and a cigarette, chatting, serious, deep conversations and bursting into hysterical laughs every now and then. No one would have ever guessed the turns, the ups and downs, the crazy, surreal almost things, people, events life threw at us. How we changed but we are somehow still the same.

Thursday morning

I can’t get out of bed. I’m exhausted. Ran out of energy. Completely. But I know today will be a long day. It’s the day of the show. That’s why I came home now and not summertime. I need to focus on that.

And stop thinking about what I’ll do when I’m back, decisions I need to make, what to focus on, what I can do to help the family here in case they need to move out in the near future. The condition of the flat is getting worse… the government is doing nothing. Maybe I can move in with a flatmate again so I can save and help my parents if needed? Although I hate it. Although I will worry whether they paid the bills, although I love and miss living on my own so much it hurts.

‘Do what is best for you. You are in your thirties, you work hard, you deserve to enjoy life, have your own place again. I’m sure everything will work out fine for us’ my mum said. I was about to cry but I didn’t. I knew that will set them off. I’m so blessed to have such an amazing pair for parents. They always put our happiness first. No matter what.

I feel guilt. I feel torn. What should I do? How do you make a decision like this? How do you make any important decision?

One of the reasons I need to go home every now and then (other than the sunshine) is to remember who I am, how much I’m loved, escape my troubles back home in the UK, reset and go back with a fresh mindset. But this time I find myself thinking of all the things I need to sort out most of the time. I can’t let it consume me…

A lyric from Vincent keeps playing in my mind…

Now I understand what you tried to say to me… how you suffered for your sanity…

Get ready, quickly, you only have an hour… Focus on the musical, focus on today, focus on the now. Please…

Eleni

A beautiful evening of real life stories

I love a good story.

I love sharing my stories, not just my funny every day ones, but the more intimate, personal, vulnerable ones. That’s how this blog started originally, with What I learned before I turn 30… Sharing what I learned from my experiences so others can learn from them too…

So when browsing the Southampton Volunteer Services pages,  Touch Network instantly grabbed my attention. A small Southampton charity getting every day people to share their stories.  And I signed up to volunteer helping them out with the events they put together.

Last Wednesday I was invited by the lovely Hannah to go to their event to get an idea, and to help me decide if it’s for me.

As soon as I walked in and talked to Hannah, I felt the love and kindness in the room. I could tell from everyone’s faces. Sometimes I can just tell just by looking at people.

Hannah introduced me to Richard and his daughter Nikki  and sat with them for the whole night. They were both so sweet and lovely.

Nikki was the first speaker. Her little boy arrived three months early and he had to spend 50 days at the hospital. She talked us through her experience as a first time mum, who couldn’t hold her baby for days, unsure whether he’d survive, how she coped with the guilt and the pain.  It didn’t take long for my eyes to get all teary. It always amazes me how we humans cope with the most excruciatingly painful, unexpected situations life throws at us.

Next up was Clare. Talking about how music helped her through her most difficult times. Misdiagnosed with brain tumour, recently diagnosed with autism and rewinding her whole life, making sense of situations that baffled her before she knew about her autism. In the end she played us two gorgeous, beautiful songs she wrote on her guitar. Oh my. What a beautiful, sweet voice. She was amazing, I don’t think she knew how amazing she was.

After a short break I spent chatting to Richard about everything and anything, it was time for the next speaker Frances. Her whole life was a struggle, since she was a child. I couldn’t believe some of the things I’ve heard. Bullying, dealing with physical and mental illness but overcoming all to today helping others, although she still has to cope with her physical restraints. Funny, witty, emotional, real. Another amazing human who survived in this life because of the love and support of other amazing humans when she needed it the most.

Last but not least, Chix. What a man. A primary school teacher whose severe anxiety made him stop and re-evaluate his life. He talked about his ‘scientist vs artist’ challenge, as he is also a musician, an artist and how he now leads a more balanced life, spending more time with his friends and his family and also doing other things other than teaching. He talked about the being or becoming a teacher debate. Surely you have to have the charisma and personality to do so, you have to love it, I personally think but you can also learn as you go along.

Chix’s messages I remember the most: Invest in the special people in your life, make time for them. You know who they are, they are the ones who are there for you no matter what. Even if you haven’t spoken for a while. His friends and family, his special ones were there on the night to cheer him on.

And you can be whoever you are. You don’t have to be a scientist or an artist, you can be either, both or neither. Be who you want to be and just be happy.

I left feeling inspired and so incredibly blessed I got to meet all these amazing people and learn from their stories.

When Hannah asked me in the end of the night if I still wanted to volunteer after being at the event, I didn’t have to think twice.

The next event will take place on the 17th of May, at Solent and I can’t wait.

I have a feeling this is the start of something truly wonderful…

Eleni