Two years later…

Two years on this day…

I wasn’t sure whether to post today or not. I’ve been feeling emotional already the last couple of days but today was harder than normal.

But today is not about what happened that day. You can see my previous posts here. Today is about reflecting on what I learned and how I changed over the last two years.

For the last few days I’ve been contemplating about my life so far and what it’ll be better to do next. I’m craving change and I know for sure I want a new job, but should I move to another city? Another country? Another continent?

Change is scary, even when you desperately want it. I’m scared I might make the wrong choices. And I’m even more scared but also relieved it’s just me I need to think about.

I sometimes fall into this hole, comparing myself to others at my age who achieved much more, they travelled more, they’ve done more, they have a better job, more money and so on.

I loved my Uni years and I wouldn’t change those for anything, but I feel I wasted the rest of my 20s paralysed by insecurities and fears, stuck in an unhealthy relationship that left me with confidence issues. I can’t change my past, so there is no point thinking like that whatsoever, but sometimes I can’t help it.

What shook me to the core was my aunt’s death. That was my wake-up call. That reminded me how short life is and how unhappy I was with my then life.

Two years later, I sometimes I feel I haven’t achieved much (the annoying inner voice taking over) but then I take a second and think of what I have achieved so far, how I managed to finally travel more, Edinburgh, Berlin, Rome, Florence, how I now go home at least twice a year, which is essential for my mental wellbeing, how I became a godmother to my gorgeous Prince, how I learned to live on my own, the first time I almost burnt the whole place down because I forgot the pot on the hob for too long and the water evaporated, the first time I forgot to lock the doors, the first time I had to fix the car on my own, the first time I sold a car (God I miss my Indigo), the first time I had so little money left I could only afford food…, the first time I could afford a proper holiday, the first time I posted a blog, the first time I posted a video of me singing badly to Kodaline, the first time I went to the cinema on my own to watch a Louis Theroux documentary, the first time I finally opened up about my struggles and depression and many many more firsts…

My little prince
My little prince

Although I go through a confidence crisis every now and then, sometimes triggered by the smallest thing (I know is silly but that’s how the brain f***s you up, cognitive distortions), I’m very proud of how far I’ve come and if anyone thinks less of me then that’s their problem. Rejection is not easy to digest but as with everything, you learn how to cope and overcome it.

I go through my older posts from time to time and I can see how my writing and I as a person matured since I started this blog.

I’d probably be stuck in a horribly boring and miserable life if it wasn’t for my loving, selfless, brave, sweet, incredibly intelligent, kind aunt and her horrible but noble fight until the very end.

Reading her eulogy at her funeral in front of a church full of people who knew and loved her is the hardest thing I ever had to do in my entire life but also one of the most proud moments of my life so far.

One of the many gems I kept from the incredible Derren Brown’s book Happy was that a person really dies when the last person who remembers them dies too. What a sweet, beautiful notion.

We all love her and she will always live through us. Through her children, her grandchildren, her brother and sisters, her dad, my dearest pappou and all of us.

I’m overwhelmingly proud of my cousin Georgia, my aunt’s daughter, and her seven children and all of the family on how amazingly they did the last two years. We’ve been through a lot as a family but we are closer than ever. I love you all to the moon and back.

I’m always amazed by how we humans cope and bounce back from whatever life throws at us.

I’ve learned from my past and thanks to my aunt I’ve made my present and hopefully my future much better.

So here’s to the present and the future. May be better and brighter, full of laughter and incredible moments.

Rest in peace dear aunt Anna.







One year of blogging!

A Facebook notification came up that I have ‘memories to look back on today’, which sometimes can be depressing but this one was a reminder that I started my blog a year ago on this day.

The day my gorgeous godson was born- happy birthday my little prince!-, a day after my best friend’s birthday (love you Shebz, missing you already),  four days after I got heartbroken again by someone who if I met now I wouldn’t look at twice, but seeking acceptance and admiration after you’ve been starved of it for years can ‘dumben’ you.

I was thinking, whilst taking a shower,  what I want to write about on this post and I came up with many things as one does in the shower, that’s where some of the best ideas are born, but I can’t fit all in a post so I decided to start writing and see what will come out..

Well, a year ago, when I started this blog I was a total mess and writing was one of the things I wanted to try for a long time but for various reasons (e.g. confidence low, ex boyfriend didn’t think I could etc) I didn’t.

But it was exactly what I needed. It helped me immensely with my trip of self-exploration, seeking the meaning of life (I haven’t figured that out yet) and self-healing.

Over the last year I tried a lot of things, I quit many but the two things I still love and do is blogging (which I don’t do that often but I’ll explain in a bit) and play my guitar.

Music and my guitar are my daily medication. I can’t put into words how it soothes my soul when I come home after a long day or at weekends, and I get to play and sing. I’m not and don’t by any means want to be a pro. I know I’m not that good at either. But for me is self-expression, healing and confidence boost. A year ago I wouldn’t imagine posting a video of me singing and playing but now I do and I don’t care if nobody likes it as long as I do.

When I started this blog a year ago I was full of optimism and I still try to be optimistic but it is much harder.

I try to remind myself to enjoy every minute and get out, do things, push myself. But it’s not always easy when life throws shit at you. You do your best but it’s not always enough.

I had a rough couple of months and I didn’t want to post something just for the sake of it. There was nothing meaningful to share. I go back and read my older posts every now and then and life has changed me a lot within the last year but I’m grateful for all the lessons I learnt. It’s been a tough year but there were many good, beautiful moments too.

I know a lot of people who are struggling right now. I don’t think I’m the only one I had a cry at work recently because life got too much. But I also know there is much worse.

I feel now it’s time again to get out and try more things and explore myself and the world. But I find it hard so my way of dealing with it is one step at a time.

One of the things on my bucket list is to travel more. I’ve been to Berlin and Edinburgh last year but this year I want more. I know it might not be possible. But as a greek saying goes ‘η ελπίδα πεθαίνει πάντα τελευταία’ – ‘hope dies last’.

I’ll start with doing what I wanted to do for years, explore the beauties of my home, beautiful island, which I got to do a little bit last year, but there is much more to see! If I don’t post again before that, my next post will be in the end of March, full of pictures of my gorgeous homecountry, Cyprus.

I have no answers to anything but this last year taught me a lot and made me a better person. And a part of it is because of this blog.

Thank you to everyone who’s been reading my rumblings.

Love you all x