The most honest post I’ve ever written…

I’m going home tomorrow. It’s not a holiday. No I didn’t get the chance to have a holiday in many other countries other than Berlin and Edinburgh last year, those were holidays. This is not. It’s home. It’s home for a thousand different reasons. I grew up there, I lived most of my life there, my best friends and family are there. The people I probably need the most right now, but I can’t be around  because of distance live there. Because I refuse to give up, I refuse to do the easy thing, move back home to have my support network, so I can stop trying and free fall into this black hole. Which is the easiest solution when you are struggling.

I need to go home every now and then to stay sane. I need to remind myself that there are people who love me for who I am, people I don’t have to pretend I’m happy in front of them, because they know me too well. People who’ll give me a hug when I need it, because they know when I need it. People who will re-assure me and make me feel good about myself. As much as you can try and re-assure yourself, you still need that from other human beings, no matter what.

For a while now I’m not feeling well. I can’t put my finger on it (it’s not because my best friend went away, although of course I miss her), but I know I’m not happy. I’m not unhappy, but I’m not happy, not most of the time. I feel stuck. I feel trapped. Trapped in this vicious circle. The less I do, the worse I feel and the worse I feel the less I do. And I don’t know how to get unstuck.  And sometimes however hard I try by making jokes, making people laugh, making a fool of myself (if only people knew that some of the things they say to me in jest actually hit home), I can’t hide it. It’s getting harder and harder to hide. I know some of you noticed and you often ask me if I’m OK. Which I find very sweet and touching. Thank you for caring.

And is getting worse. Some of my friends, I haven’t seen for months (I love you and miss you all, I really do) because I find it easier not to get out and not try. I know people give up on you after a while but I find it easier to just be by myself. Things I used to enjoy I find hard to do, like singing with my colleagues and friends or driving.

I feel I lost my magic marbles and I’m not even sure where to look for them.

I still manage to go to work, although I struggle some days. But at least I haven’t given up completely. Work is one of the very few things that actually keep me sane (most of the time). And that’s why when I worried about my job a while ago, I knew I had to be re-assured that I’m not going to lose it, that I’m not going to lose one of my last life jackets. I’m so lucky I work with some amazing people who keep me going.

It’s so difficult, I don’t think people realise how difficult it is to pretend you are OK when you are not. I don’t think people realise how hard it is for me to make any decision, even simple ones like what to have for dinner, how hard it is to get out of the house, to interact with other human beings, how even the smallest thing like losing a tooth can affect me hugely. I don’t think they realise how my confidence has hit rock bottom, because I manage to hide it well most of the time by overcompensating.

But then what to do? I do not want people to worry and feel sorry for me. So I put my fake smile on and get on with it as best as I can.

I can’t self diagnose but I know where all the signs lead to. They all lead to the big black dog.  I know I need to do something about it before is too late. But is bloody hard. Is even harder when you live on your own, and the people who know you the best and can really help you without asking, because asking for help is not easy, are a thousand miles away. And I don’t want to worry them. And I don’t want to move back either.

I’m not giving up, not just yet.  I learned a lot, especially the last couple of years.I’m scared and I worry about myself and about my family, no matter how much I try not to. But when you struggle, you struggle, no matter how aware you are of the irrationality of it all. Acknowledging your thoughts are wrong doesn’t necessarily mean you can fix them in an instant.

I know I’m not the only one who feels this way. But I know not many will admit they do. Sending you all my love and I hope we all make it to the other side.

So there, is all out in the open now. And I already feel better for sharing.

I’m saddened and a bit scared with the terrorist attack in London, but  I’m happy  I’m going home tomorrow to see my loved ones, be surrounded by my favourite people, enjoy the sunshine and be happy for a week, until reality hits me in the face. I hope this break will give me the push I need. Or not. Only time will show.

I love you all x


PS I want to thank Donna, Suzanne, Sarah, Helen, Louise, Jamie, Chris and Andy, thank you, you know why.


One year of blogging!

A Facebook notification came up that I have ‘memories to look back on today’, which sometimes can be depressing but this one was a reminder that I started my blog a year ago on this day.

The day my gorgeous godson was born- happy birthday my little prince!-, a day after my best friend’s birthday (love you Shebz, missing you already),  four days after I got heartbroken again by someone who if I met now I wouldn’t look at twice, but seeking acceptance and admiration after you’ve been starved of it for years can ‘dumben’ you.

I was thinking, whilst taking a shower,  what I want to write about on this post and I came up with many things as one does in the shower, that’s where some of the best ideas are born, but I can’t fit all in a post so I decided to start writing and see what will come out..

Well, a year ago, when I started this blog I was a total mess and writing was one of the things I wanted to try for a long time but for various reasons (e.g. confidence low, ex boyfriend didn’t think I could etc) I didn’t.

But it was exactly what I needed. It helped me immensely with my trip of self-exploration, seeking the meaning of life (I haven’t figured that out yet) and self-healing.

Over the last year I tried a lot of things, I quit many but the two things I still love and do is blogging (which I don’t do that often but I’ll explain in a bit) and play my guitar.

Music and my guitar are my daily medication. I can’t put into words how it soothes my soul when I come home after a long day or at weekends, and I get to play and sing. I’m not and don’t by any means want to be a pro. I know I’m not that good at either. But for me is self-expression, healing and confidence boost. A year ago I wouldn’t imagine posting a video of me singing and playing but now I do and I don’t care if nobody likes it as long as I do.

When I started this blog a year ago I was full of optimism and I still try to be optimistic but it is much harder.

I try to remind myself to enjoy every minute and get out, do things, push myself. But it’s not always easy when life throws shit at you. You do your best but it’s not always enough.

I had a rough couple of months and I didn’t want to post something just for the sake of it. There was nothing meaningful to share. I go back and read my older posts every now and then and life has changed me a lot within the last year but I’m grateful for all the lessons I learnt. It’s been a tough year but there were many good, beautiful moments too.

I know a lot of people who are struggling right now. I don’t think I’m the only one I had a cry at work recently because life got too much. But I also know there is much worse.

I feel now it’s time again to get out and try more things and explore myself and the world. But I find it hard so my way of dealing with it is one step at a time.

One of the things on my bucket list is to travel more. I’ve been to Berlin and Edinburgh last year but this year I want more. I know it might not be possible. But as a greek saying goes ‘η ελπίδα πεθαίνει πάντα τελευταία’ – ‘hope dies last’.

I’ll start with doing what I wanted to do for years, explore the beauties of my home, beautiful island, which I got to do a little bit last year, but there is much more to see! If I don’t post again before that, my next post will be in the end of March, full of pictures of my gorgeous homecountry, Cyprus.

I have no answers to anything but this last year taught me a lot and made me a better person. And a part of it is because of this blog.

Thank you to everyone who’s been reading my rumblings.

Love you all x