Thought of the Day- Growing Older

I woke up thinking of my excruciatingly painful contrasting feelings on growing old-er (I find it fascinating I often think about how I feel). I’ve been pondering for months now, but lately I often feel I’m trapped in a glass box watching my own life go by and all I want to do is shout STOP! whilst I try and make sense of it.

One minute, I love it. I care less if at all about the less important things in life and I feel comfortable in my own skin. I love myself (most of the time) and I worked hard on that. I used to hate taking a selfie only a few years ago, every time I looked at it I just stared at my imperfections, my mistakes, my failures. Now, I don’t mind. I actually love following my trip of self exploration, and I live a life that is almost completely up to me on what direction it can take (that’s a whole other story).

And for those who keep asking and asking. I don’t need a man to be happy. Your happiness doesn’t and should never depend on anyone else other than you. I will only get in a relationship again when and if I meet someone who makes me feel like it.

I feel lucky I was born and raised in the non-social media era so I find it easy to not allow them to dictate my happiness, which is tough for youngest generations I feel. Although I love Social Media, with its pros and cons, I don’t feel the need I have to be active on them every day and I go through phases I don’t check or post anything. That’s not the real world after all.

But there are a few more downfalls than just a few wrinkles that comes with getting older. I watch and/or check the news every day (a clear sign of getting older). Yes. I became that person who understands politics (only just) and how it affects the world, which is so so sad because the more I know the worse I feel.

Everything feels scarier. Taking risks suddenly feels harder. I’ve become more cynical and less trusting, and sadly I’m proven right most of the time.

And the worst feeling that comes with it. The saddest realisation of all, life is too damn short. More often people I know die. I grow older every single day and I’m running out of time. There’s so much I want to do and there’s not enough time. That’s my greatest struggle right now. Accepting the fact that I’m running out of time and I need to get out of my tiny little head and take risks. Do more of the things I enjoy, try new things and get out of this stupid comfort zone. Feel the adrenaline. Feel my heart beat loud and fast, not because of anxiety, but of pure excitement.

This is just a tiny sample of the differing strickingly feelings that come with growing old.

So, kids, aunty Eleni’s advice (with a little help from a Twitter friend): Be brave, get out, try things and don’t worry. And don’t be scared to ask for help.

Oh and here’s my 10 year challenge. A then care-free happy 22 year old girl (the picture was taken on a small, then fashionable digital camera) and a now ‘mature grown up’ woman.



Just doing January

A glorious clear blue sky, with perfect views of the sun, the sea. Then suddenly a dark cloud appears, and another one, and a few seconds later, rain and thunderstorm.

The blue sky: my mind. The views: life, happiness, serenity. The clouds: the ‘not pleasant’ thoughts. The rain and thunderstorm: depression and anxiety.

A million of those thoughts racing in my mind. The terrifying realisation of growing older, ‘when will I do everything I want?’ What if something happens to my family?, worry how and whether I can afford a new job? braces? travelling?, worry for my current job, ‘what if I’m made redundant, or downgraded?’, worry there’s not enough time in a day to write, play my guitar, do my yoga, draw, read a book, do more volunteering, see a film, watch a play, try new things. What if I die tomorrow and I don’t get to do any of this??

My heart starts to beat faster and faster, my hands are sweating, I forget to breathe and then…

Disappointment, self-doubt, ‘maybe that’s just it, maybe I can’t do any more. Stuck in the same place for ever… ‘

And finally, the worst of it all. Numbness. Emptiness. At random, unexpected moments it feels as if I can’t shake away this, this feeling of vainness, as if my ability to feel happiness has been suddenly taken away.

January is tough for me. Christmas (which I love) is over but winter (which I don’t) is not, summer is still months away, we are all back to routine (I hate routine). It’s dark and bitterly cold which makes it harder to do things outside the house and all the reminders that another year is over are not helping.

Of course I know all this is is in my head. For me though it’s real. It’s not all the time or all together (sometimes it’s just the anxiety, or the depression) I can still have a laugh, enjoy some things but sometimes I can’t get out of this maze.

So at a time of the year that most start afresh and focus on their New Year resolutions, are doing Veganuary, Dry January, Red January, what do I do? I’m just doing January. Just things that keep my anxiety and depression from affecting my functionality. Just surviving for now.

I still have a wishlist of things I’d love to do, a bucket list (I prefer to tick off things off my bucket list rather than have resolutions) and I’m a great believer you can start something anytime of the year, for now though I just need to get through this month.

But it can’t just be me that feels that way. Actually, I know for a fact it’s not just me. I’ve spoken to friends who go through the same motions. I’ve seen posts on social media from others who are finding it hard to fight the blues.

If you, like me are struggling this January, here’s some of the things that help me, hopefully they may help you or they may help you find what works for you.

Music. Most of the day, every day. Indie, folk, rock, pop, depending on my mood. I wouldn’t survived without my Spotify playlist.

Yoga. Whatever happens I always go back to Yoga with Adriene since I discovered it back in 2017. My favourite yoga lady. Her 30 day yoga revolution is now on, every day a new video, a new session. That half an hour, 40 minutes a day is sometimes the only time I manage to keep the invasive thoughts away.

Food. Healthy, delicious food with a few unhealthy treats a week, pizza on a Friday, lunch with friends. It’s all about balance. I loved this wholefood vegan burger from cafe Thrive yesterday.

Reading. At the moment I’m reading Matt Haig’s (whose autobiographical books on anxiety and depression are humbly and beautifully honest, amazing) Notes On A Nervous Planet. Highly recommend following him on Twitter.

Friends. The show and real friends. Watching Friends never fails to make me laugh. And time with my friends. Talking to friends and family keeps me connected to the real world, otherwise detachment may overstay its welcome.

What helps you? I’d love to know what’s worked for others so we can inspire one another.

OK, off to do my yoga and have a nice cup of tea.


You and You. The most important relationship.

I open my eyes… I don’t know what time it is. I don’t know where I am, what am I thinking? What is my first thought? I look around. I’m in my room…


I woke up a couple of times through the night. Weird dreams, my mind’s way of reminding me that I need to stop, take a break and think, process what is happening, take care of myself rather than keep distracting me by keeping busy.

I had a wonderful week. I caught up with friends I hadn’t seen for a while, farewell lunch for Alison, I went to my first Touch Network (the charity I want to volunteer for) event I absolutely loved and will post about very soon, I spent yesterday afternoon on board Ventura, enjoying a three course meal with my Southampton Pride Volunteer friends (post coming soon) and in the evening I finally got to try L’Osteria’s enormous pizzas, al Fresco, chatting and laughing with a friend, watching the terrifying thunderstorm.

But, I forgot me. I neglected me. The most important relationship. With myself. I suddenly remember Nayyirah Waheed’s three line poem.

there is you and you.

this is a relationship.

this is the most important relationship.


I’m in endless dilemmas on all aspects of my life, work, personal, spiritual and I’ve strategically avoided making any decision, probably my biggest weakness, making decisions, by keeping busy, drinking, eating out a lot, doing anything else other than taking care of myself.

Last night I finally stopped. As soon as I came home, soaking wet from the thunderstorm, I cried. And I cried. I was not drunk or had a crazy moment, I just stopped, I was in my room, by myself and all the things I didn’t process, I didn’t think of all week, hit me in the face.

I message Shebs. I know she is probably the only one who can understand. And she did. She does, she always does.

I was always on the fence whether soulmates exist. But now I know they do. They don’t necessarily come in the form of a lover or a partner and I don’t think we only have one.

Shebs is one of my soulmates. My little sister is another one. We just understand each other on a different level, there’s a deeper, more spiritual connection.

I’m happy. And sad. Grateful. Worried. Anxious about some things, completely and utterly relaxed about others. Unsure, uncertain, in painful conflict but at the same time blessed.

The next couple of weeks will be unbelievably busy but I promise you, you, myself that I’ll make time for you. And take care of you.

Remember, the most important relationship.  Take care yourself. Love and nurture it.

Not because ‘if you don’t love yourself, you can’t love anyone else’ or ‘if you don’t love yourself, how do you expect anyone else to do so?’ That’s all bull***t. 

The love I felt from my friends and family when I hit rock bottom and hated myself is what helped me keep going and I wouldn’t be here today if it’s wasn’t for them. You can love and be loved no matter what.

Take care of yourself for you.

Eat healthy, exercise, do yoga, make decisions, however hard it may be, even if that means you’ll disappoint people you care about. But they will understand. I hope they will.

All I want right now is a hug. One of the simplest, purest, most beautiful forms of love. It will have to wait until tomorrow. I’m not leaving my room today.

For now I’ll stay in Parsva Savasana (The Side fetal pose) for hours, contemplating whilst listening to my favourite music…