It’s been six months since I last managed to write down a somewhat comprehensible, coherent text that I felt I wished to share. However, there have been numerous times over these last 200 days when I had an epiphany, a lightbulb moment or a couple of thoughts I wanted to let out in the world, lessons I’ve learned, new experiences, pleasant and horrific, that taught me something new or reminded me of what I already knew. Sadly, I didn’t have the time, or rather, I didn’t make the time for it. Why? I used to write and post once a week or at least once a month for years. What changed? And why do I feel guilty about this?
I’ve been reflecting on this a lot lately, how our habits change over the years and learning to accept that and let it go.
I still love writing and sharing my worries, opinions, and inner thoughts, though to a lesser degree compared to almost 10 years ago, when I first started this blog. I still do yoga (Yoga with Adriene is a firm favourite) and read for leisure.
But, I rarely play the guitar nowadays, as I often find myself worrying about ‘something’, and not in the mood for it. The same goes for taking photos and making videos. Running has now become part of my daily ritual, a form of therapy I can’t live without, and I discovered a newfound joy in listening to podcasts.
At first, I felt bad about letting go some of my old habits, but now I’ve accepted the fact that I’m not the same person I was a few years ago and my habits and preferences changed. That’s OK. It’s part of growing old.
The WordPress AI assistant suggests sharing more, which I don’t feel like right now (and I’m also starving and my husband keeps asking me to join him for dinner), as well as ending my post with a thought-provoking statement, which I deem unnecessary, so I’ll leave you with this: we humans, have enough to stress about in this complex, crazy world we live in, so letting go of any self-inflicted pressure and guilt can only be a good thing!
I’m not quite sure where to start from. I haven’t written in months, I almost forgot how it feels like to have the luxury of sitting down, and writing about my mostly tormenting but occasionally comforting thoughts and feelings.
I haven’t had much time to reflect back on the year just gone, but I do know that with the exception of the horrific murder of our family friend Doros, things are, on the whole, miles better than a year ago.
Thanks to a rare stroke of luck, the Ministry of Interior decided to finally do something about the state of the blocks of council flats my parents and other Greek-Cypriot refugees live in, and after years of protesting, complaining and praying, my parents have now moved out!!! That was the best news not only of the year, but I’d say the decade, for us as a family and for me personally!Thank God, a huge burden and a constant worry off our back.
Also, I never thought a year ago that I’d be married to my boo! I’m now a married woman, though I’m still yet to figure out what the difference is from living together, other than we hopefully never have to worry about visa issues, immigration, getting ‘permission’ from my husband’s employer to go on holiday (!) and other ridiculous Cyprus immigration processes that we had to follow in the last two years.
After an eventful few months including changing jobs (which I often thank my lucky stars for), winning an MBA scholarship, a few other incidents and a brief summer break, I spent the last couple of months of the year studying part-time for the MBA, signing up to a local mental health NGO, volunteering to help them as much as I can with whatever I can, a short trip and a beautiful few days to Athens for boo’s first full marathon, training for and running my first half-marathon.
I also finally started Mind Matters, for now just a platform to raise awareness about mental health (Facebook, Instagram, X). I haven’t posted much on it yet, but I’ll definitely make some time to develop it and keep it going.
The year concluded with a nasty stomach bug that kept me bed-bound for the better part of my short Christmas break. I didn’t go to the Christmas villages I wanted to, I didn’t see my friends, and took me longer to finish my dreaded assignments. I didn’t do anything I usually do, even small Christmas traditions I started a few years ago. To begin with, I felt bad thinking about what I missed out on, but then I realised, it doesn’t really matter and I suddenly felt at peace.
I feel like, for the last few years, I lost my confidence, my courage, my spark, well, my self, and now I’m the busiest I’ve ever been, and stressed most of the time, I finally started to reconnect to myself. I need to, if I’m to manage not to be anxious worrying about everything I commited to do for the new few months or depressed and sad with everything else going on in the world (I only read the news once a day lately, I can’t handle more than that).
So, although I’ll probably spend most of 2024 constantly feeling tired, I wish to myself and everyone else first and foremost good health, and then calmness, peace of mind, staying true to yourself and enjoying the little things.
The second Eurovision semifinal is playing in the background, whilst I lie on my hotel bed, trying to gather my thoughts and feelings. I still couldn’t believe how these series of coincidences brought me back to Southampton, after three years, since I left. It feels like a lifetime ago and at the same time, like yesterday.
I had finished my work meeting a bit early and after a bit of wander into the city I spent 10 years of my life, probably the most transformative years of my life, my 20s, exhausted from the travel the night before, came back to the hotel, had a shower and decided to just rest.
It’s been months since the last time I decided to ‘just rest’, it’s been so long I can’t even remember when the last time that happened was.
The following day I just wandered in town, at my favourite bookshop, walking across the park and for the first time in a while I felt I didn’t have to rush. I just enjoyed doing things I love. I felt I could breathe again.
I’ve realised that for a while now, I have been running around like a headless chicken for so long, I neglected my mental health, which of course has affected my physical health. Headaches, sleepiness, confusion, memory lapses, loss of appetite.
I really don’t understand how being busy became an achievement and something everyone loves to complain about. It’s not an achievement, it’s a sign of no life balance (Trust me, it’s OK to relax and rest for a day or too, rather than feel you have to do something, just because others do. FOMO is an artificial need created by humans, like many others).
And I feel I lost that balance ever since I left this city. I spent Saturday just catching up with friends, and enjoying living in the moment. Moments with old colleagues and loved ones. I instantly felt how much I missed them. How not to, with all the wonderful humans I know. I wish I had more time to see more of my friends.
Lately all I can think of is what the point of life is. Every now and then I get this horrific anxiety and fear about living and dying and the in-between.
What is the meaning of life? What is my purpose? Why do I exist?
I read a few books and had countless discussions with friends trying to figure out the answers to these questions, just to calm my brain down and the irrational (or rational? I haven’t decided yet) fear of dying.
As Derren Brown, eloquently argues in his book about happiness , if we were to live for ever, we would have eventually be bored of everything, and life would have no meaning. So, what is the purpose of life?
Happiness is amazing. It’s so amazing it doesn’t matter if it’s yours or not. There’s that lovely thing: “A society grows great when old men plant trees the shade of which they know they will never sit in”. Good people do things for other people. That’s it. The end. Anne told Tony on Ricky Gervais’ brilliant series After Life, which is about a man triyng to deal with the death of his wife whom he absolutely adored.
But even when you find your purpose, and to do that you inevitably need to work on your emotional intelligence, your self-awareness, realising who you are, loving yourself, self management and above else empathy, growing up it’s scary as hell.
My parents are now in their late 50s and 60s and I’m terrified for them, watching them grow older. I want them to live forever. It tears me apart. I’m thinking that maybe is better to stick around now they are growing older and they may need me more, but on the other hand what if I finally find my purpose and that takes me elsewhere, away from them?
It makes me sad thinking that they may find themselves feeling lonely and helpless. And I certainly want to try and enjoy being around them as much as I can before they start forgetting and get that lost look in their eyes (I only recently watched the latest episode of This Is Us and the scene where Rebecca doesn’t recognise her children broke my heart).
So on my birthday, a week after I came back from Southampton, I spent the day with my family and loved ones and I cherished every moment.
When thinking about life, mortality and growing old stresses me out, I just focus in the moment, taking one day at a time, spending time with loved ones and I try to make the world a better place, little by little. When my time comes to go, at least I’ll go happy and not anxious and horrified.
The reason I’m sharing all these thoughts, it’s that I know they are not unique and actually expressing them out loud, or in this case in words, somehow makes them more bearable. And perhaps you can relate, and feel a bit of a relief that these terrifying thoughts haunt not just you but a lot of other people.
Back in February 2016, on the 25th of February, I started a blog, this very blog.
I wanted to for a while but my then boyfriend kept discouraging me, arguing that I had nothing to say.
So, just after our break-up and a series of other unfortunate events (which I wrote about at the time), I started “What I learned before I turned 30”, a personal journal sharing what I learned so far in life, a few months just before I turned 30, which actually has helped me (and it still does) to make sense of what was happening at the time and helpfully reassure others that they are not alone, we all struggle in life.
A few years later, I decided to change the name of the blog, since I had already turned 30 and it didn’t make sense anymore. At the time I thought it was a good idea to name it ‘Eleni’s world’ since it was more autobiographical and a mix of different things, and honestly I couldn’t think of a better name.
A few days ago, whilst pondering how to make more time for myself and things I enjoy doing, before I turn completely crazy and exhausted from life, running around like a headless chicken, I had an epiphany.
Why don’t I name my blog ‘Lessons I learned after I turned 30’?
I haven’t been posting as often lately, though I really want to and I’m planning to, and giving the blog a revamp and a more specific identity can movitate me to do that.
So here it is. The new name of my blog.
Lessons I Learned after I turned 30, let it be English or Life lessons, lessons from my travels, personal and work life.
It often comes to my mind, that, when I was in high school, I’d regularly get upset about the fact I couldn’t accurately, and in the way I truly wished, articulate my thoughts and opinions when writing essays. There was always a barrier. There was always something missing.
Years later, when I started putting my thoughts on paper (and later on a blog) it somehow became easier, as if I was released from whatever kept my expressive side blocked and silenced. And I feel that’s how talking about mental health evolved over the years not just for me, but for the rest of the world too.
Although I studied psychology for my first degree, even then, about 18 years ago (I’m almost 36, to save you from the trouble of calculating my age), there was a stigma about it. Not many (if any) would openly admit they suffered from depression, or anxiety, or autism, or bipolar disorder, or panic attacks, as it was considered a weakness or pure ‘insanity’. You would only see a psychologist if you were ‘crazy’.
After living in the UK for 10 years, having volunteered for a mental charity, having written about depression and anxiety myself, seeing, listening and reading about people openly sharing their feelings and troubles, witnessing mental health organisations growing in numbers and popularity (NGOs such as the Samaritans or Mind or social enterprises like the brilliant Touch I used to volunteer for) I was under the impression things would have progressed in Cyprus too, not to the degree they did in the UK, but certainly to some extent.
Surely by now people would have realised that is as important (if not more) to look after their mental health the way they look after their physical health. If you break your leg, you’d go to the doctor, if you are paralysed from anxiety, you’d go to a psychologist, right? Not to mention the effects of the digital era, as well as the global pandemic on mental health, and the fact that we are all busy, all the time. One day we’ll reach to a point we’ll have no time to breathe (just writing about it stresses me out) .
A few days ago, whilst enjoying a coffee on my own at a local cafe, I was brainstorming ideas on what organisation I can volunteer for, and I was unpleasantly surprised to discover after looking up mental health NGOs to volunteer that there aren’t really any on the island!
Why is that? Is it because there’s still stigma around mental health here? Are people here still in denial about the importance of looking after your mental wellbeing? Are they scared to admit when they are struggling? Do they still perceive sharing your feelings as a weakness (it’s one of the hardest things to do actually and it shows strength and character, a brilliant example of the power of vulnerability as Bene Brown eloquently talked about it a few years ago https://youtu.be/iCvmsMzlF7o) ? Is it because there isn’t enough interest by locals or psychologists?
I have been talking about it with a few friends and colleagues lately and I’m still baffled why that is and I wish I had the means to set up a mental health NGO myself, just to make a start.
For now I can’t, but what I can do is continue to talk about mental health with friends, family and strangers, because every time I do, someone would relate to and share their own experiences (which I love to hear about, everyday human stories are so powerful in so many ways) and that’s a clear sign that any outlets to talk about mental health struggles with others in a safe, non-judgmental environment, where you can also receive relevant advice and/or training on how to identify signs or symptoms of a person suffering would be of great benefit.
Who knows, maybe we can soon start a movement and change things up on the island, at least when it comes to mental health!
Wrapped up in a blanket on my sofa, Friends playing in the background, the Christmas tree lights warming up the place, I’m re-reading my New Year wish for 2021 and I can’t help but think how lucky I truly am to be surrounded by people I love at home and at work, proud of what I achieved over the last 12 months and the fact that my friends, family and I we are healthy and safe.
Most of us found 2020 challenging (to say the least) but not many thought 2021 was going to be equally bad if not worse than 2020.
The year didn’t quite start off on the right foot. Locked inside again, like a caged animal, I knew, as the majority of the planet did, what to expect, which somehow made it less tolerable than the first time I experienced a lockdown. This time nobody tried a lot of new things, nobody aspired to become a home chef, we were all sick and tired of this situation.
I felt restless, eager to get out and I still carried the weight of the previous lockdown (s), as most of us did and I turned into healthy eating and exercising. I feel as humans we desperately needed it.
Yoga with Adriene 30 day revolution definitely helped to keep me mentally stable in January and somehow after that the year just flew by.
Although I spent almost half of the year in lockdown, looking back I feel I achieved a lot and grew workwise and personally.
On a personal level, although I admit I didn’t manage my work-life balance well and didn’t have much free time for myself, I rediscovered my love for running, I met the ambassador of Austria, I started dating again after years of avoiding it, I met amazing humans, I caught up with friends I hadn’t seen for years and I made new friends I already love, I took part in a week long sustainability challenge which helped me realise how much more I can do to protect the planet, after years of thinking about it and wanting it I finally got braces so I can fix my smile, I had a great summer and Christmas with friends and loved ones and lastly, I flew again, this time to beautiful Leuven with my best friends and sisters. God I felt so alive and happy to be able to travel again!
On a professional level, well I spent most of my time working and though exhausting at times, I learned A LOT, way more than I expected in a year. I ran focus groups, designed surveys, interviewed people, wrote and published articles and reports, organised an (online) event, I closed off a project, produced a serious board game, created 2 modules, hosted a transnational project meeting and almost met the Pope, amongst other things. I love my job and my colleagues, despite the heavy workload!
At some point in the year I went through a major anxiety crisis, during which I almost stopped eating completely and I was in pain because of it for a month. After that, I promised myself I’ll never let it go that far.
I don’t regret anything but I do wish I savoured and enjoyed everyday life more than I did and stressed less. Because it doesn’t really matter what you or I or anyone else achieved.
I feel everyone needs to hear though that if the only thing you did in 2021 was trying to survive, that’s an achievement in itself and you should be proud of it.
I’ve been reading Derren Brown’s Happy again, which I’ve recommended to all my friends already and it reminded me that as humans we don’t need much to be happy if you ignore the artificial needs marketing firms have been creating for years. We just need health, love and to keep growing.
My New Year wish is, consequently, similar to last year.
Keep growing and learning as a human, try new things, keep moving on but above all enjoy moments, love and be loved, and make memories with special people. And travel every now and then.
And I hope I make it back to my second home I miss more and more as time goes by, the UK and give all my friend there a tight hug.
It’s taken about a month to finally find the time to write about my 7 day challenge but better late than never!
It was a wonderfully productive, educational, exciting week, during which I learned a lot about little and not so little things I can do (well everyone of us can) to make our planet a bit better and hopefully extend it’s life span.
I won’t list everything I did (you can have a look at a selection of photos below and my Instagram posts on each day about it) but the biggest lesson I’ve learnt is, as cheesy as it sounds, that every little helps.
Reducing the use of plastic and cars as much as possible, reducing water, electricity and meat consumption, recycling, picking up litter, we can all do them to a lesser or greater degree. I promise you, it’s not as hard as you think it might be.
I personally found it much easier than I thought not to eat meat for a week and I love the reusable glass straws I bought to replace the paper ones, they have a better feel and no need to throw anything away! One of the people on the group commuted to work by bus which wasn’t as inconvenient as he initialy thought it would be, another installed a water filter to avoid buying plastic bottles, some discovered eco-friendly cosmetics, whereas others now take their water bottle and reuseable straws with them everywhere they go and the list goes on. Check out the Embassy of Sweden in Cyprus Facebook page, where you can read more about the group’s challenges
We can’t be using the excuse of ‘Unless the industry/government/etc does something about it, there’s no point of me trying’ anymore. If we all adopt more sustainable habits, we can not only help save the planet and live a healthier life, but we can also inspire others and all these small changes will add up and create a huge impact.
We have now truly ran out of time. We need to act now and restore as much damage we made to our beautiful planet as possible.
What this 7-day challenge proved to myself and the rest of the group is that living a more sustainable life is certainly possible and the way forward is not by adopting habits that would make our everyday life impossible and we eventually cease doing them, but by making a lot of smaller, easier to adopt changes.
On my way to work a few days ago I noticed a guy enjoying a bite of his sandwich. He looked so content, truly happy he had his breakfast whilst walking down town and I felt a bit jealous. I wish I was that happy.
Last November I wrote about this disturbingly confusing state of mind, not feeling myself (you can read about it here). I never would have thought that almost 8 months later, I’d still feel lost and not that happy.
I’ve been meaning to write about it for a while, hoping it will help my brain to at least attempt to make some sense out of it but all I could produce were interjections of confusion and desperation (e.g. AAAAHHHHH), but I’m now at a place I can better articulate my thoughts.
Have you ever experienced heavy turbulence on a plane? Holding on tight, scared to death but not able to do anything, that feeling of having no control?
That’s how I’ve felt for a while, intensified by the recent pandemic. I feel I can’t plan anything, I have no free time for myself, hell sometimes I feel I have no time to think. I’m stuck and I’m not sure what’s the best way out because I just don’t feel I’m in control and my confidence also went down a notch.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m grateful for what I have, a job, a place to live, my friends and family, my loved ones. I’m happy for these.
But I know I can and want to do more and the lack of me-time and inability to make any firm plans or big changes at the moment are feeding my misery.
So what can I do? Well, focus on what I can control for now and work on improving myself on all fronts in order to make moving forward in a turmoil easier. So here’s one of the things I did.
I recently got braces.
‘How come you decided to do that at this (*late) age?’ a colleague asked.
I was taken aback. I didn’t expect such a question. I guess because I wouldn’t ask something like that and I wouldnt expect someone as open-minded and liberal as him ask such an old-fashioned in a sense question. Do only kids get braces? Does getting braces have an age limit? Does anything really have or should have an age limit?
‘It’s not just for aesthetic reasons, it will also help my bite, it was needed to be done’, I said. I didn’t want to point out the obvious, that the question was not appropriate, or share my deepest insecurities with a stranger, that I always hated my crooked tooth and the side gap I had and I’ve been wanting to fix it for years but couldn’t afford it or the timing wasn’t right.
It’s been almost two months now and I don’t enjoy wearing braces, they are not the prettiest and are QUITE uncomfortable, they need constant cleaning and looking after. I can’t wait to take them out. Weirdly, though I hate them I also like them, because at least I have something to look forward to and that helps.
Getting braces isn’t the only change I made or going to make, but it’s just an example of how doing something with an ‘end date’ , (especially in time like this when uncertainty is part of our life and noone knows when this horrid situation will end), can help you move forward or feel a bit less stuck at least.
PS. Here it’s me with braces, in case you were wondering.
A couple of weeks ago Eva, my favourite partner in crime at the office, shared a post from the Embassy of Sweden in Cyprus, (in collaboration with Let’s Make Cyprus Green, an amazing organisation doing great work on saving the planet) asking for participants to take part in a challenge living sustainably for a week.
I do my bit to protect the environment, but I feel there’s still more I can do and A LOT more to learn, so I decided to sign up, as Eva also did so we could take up the challenge together.
Last Friday, the 16th of July, we got together at Home For Cooperation to be given more information about the challenge, an unexpectedly informative and inspiring evening.
Let’s Make Cyprus Green gave a short and also shocking presentation with some horrific statistics that shook us all up.
Did you know that only 9% of plastic does get recycled and that after the first time it gets recycled the quality drops so it doesn’t really get recycled again?
Did you know that traces of microplastic have been found not just inside us but also in embryos?
Did you know that not all paper drinking cups are 100% recyclable?
Did you know that is predicted that by 2050 there will be more trash than fish in the ocean? That trash has been found in the deapest of the oceans already?
These are just some of the terrifying facts about our planet and why we have to act now. We may recycle as much as we can but that is not the solution. We need to do more than that. We need to work more on prevention. Let’s Make Cyprus Green has already started a few great initiatives, such as water refill stations installation and organising regular beach cleanups but it’s everyone’s responsibility to save the planet, we are the ones who have been destroying it after all.
After the presentation we all brainstormed ideas on what we should include in our challenge and ways we can eat, move and live more sustainably. The point of this exercise is not to torture ourselves or cut all plastic from our lives and anything else harmful all at once, that’s not feasible or sustainable (although how we wish it was!).
The point is to gradually adopt more sustainable, green habits and this challenge is an opportunity to try some of these habits when it comes to eating, moving and living sustainably. Every little we do helps.
So what I’ll learn/try/attempt this week?
EAT
No meat (should be easy considering I don’t eat much meat)
Reduction of my cow milk consumption, I’ll replace it with oat milk (almond milk leaves a large ecological footprint).
Eating locally produced vegetables and fruit (I personally love using RescuedBox, who save perfectly fine but ‘too ugly for supermarkets’ vegetables and fruit and sells them to customers across the island).
MOVE
Use my car as less as possible (e.g. walk to the supermarket or kiosk).
Car share (if possible)
Use public transport (not that easy/convenient when carrying three bags)
LIVE
No takaway food or coffee
Buy and use reusable, refillable water bottles until I find out more about water filters and whether is possible to install one at my flat.
Use of glass straws
Use of dish washing water to water the plants
Park clean up during exercise/walks which is called plogging, Swedish for plocka upp (pick up) and jogga (jog)
Find out more about composting in Nicosia
In a week’s time we’ll all meet again to discuss our experience and get our diploma for participating.
If you decide to participate pick up a few ideas or come up with your own and join us!
I first opened my eyes at 6am. My head still hurt from the day before and the feeling of exhaustion still lingered.
No, I didn’t have a wild night out drinking and dancing. That’s not my cup of tea, though I wish I did for once (I actually missed one of my dearest friends’ birthday party, which I feel devastated about) but instead I suffered one of my occasional migraines, which blurs my vision and keeps me paralysed in pain, lying down in a dark spot until it goes away.
I’m not surprised this God Almighty migraine happened when it did though. When my mind and body are working overtime for a while as soon as I get a minute to relax, my body doesn’t miss the opportunity to let me know I overdid it and I need to slow down. And it does that in the worst, most painful way possible, quite often a migraine.
Lately I had close to zero time to myself (other than my morning running and/or yoga), I haven’t made a Love to Learn English mini-lesson for a few weeks, I haven’t played the guitar for a while, I had to cancel some of the my English lessons and some days I hadn’t even had time to think, especially this last week. By the way congratulations to my little sister for getting her Maths degree. I’m glad I made it to her graduation!
Why am I writing about a migraine? Because ever since I moved back I often forget that I shouldn’t succumb to social pressure and I feel it A LOT back in Cyprus. It’s as if people don’t know how to be by themselves and there is always something to do. I’m still not used to being back, let alone adapting to this life, particularly now that lock-down is over (for the foreseeable future anyway) and what really helps me in busy and stressful periods is having time to myself, rest and have time to figure things out.
I just need to remember I don’t need to go out or do something every day and I not just want, I NEED to remember to make time for myself, otherwise I will keep losing myself and damage my physical and mental health.
So today’s advice from a struggling-with-stress-still-figuring-life-out-but-also-already-learned-a-lot 35 year old is ALWAYS remember to make time for yourself, there’s nothing wrong with declining an invite or postponing a lesson and having an evening to yourself.You need to look after yourself and devote time on your wellbeing, in whatever way it works for you, a relaxing pampering afternoon, reading a book, a walk in nature, anything that gives you peace of mind . And don’t worry about your friends, if they love you, they will understand.
Lessons I learned after I turned 30 