Category: mental health

I have a pla…

I’ve taken hundreds of pictures, maybe thousands. There’s so much beauty in every and not so everyday moments, the best way to remember that is capture these little nuggets of life into a photograph.

I’ve been going through my enormous collection lately as I feel I should share them with the rest of the world and I pick a couple a week to post on my social media.

Last Sunday I came across this and all the excitement I felt when I took it came rushing back. I could somehow relive the exact moment. The magic of photography.

And I thought to myself ‘What the hell am I still doing here?’ I can wait a few years, save some money first but I’m tired of waiting and something has to change.

I struggle with plans, they scare me. Life is so weirdly, wonderfully unpredictable I don’t like making long term plans but now I need one. I need to lift this fog that’s been around me for months now. The cover photo couldn’t be more poignant.

And I think I have one. Maybe not a plan. I’m terrified to call it that. I have my magic beans and I have a pla, almost a plan.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UyILENqGHNQ

I have my magic beans, wonderful, loving, supportive friends and family in Cyprus and the UK and I have a few things I’m working on to get me out of a 9 to 5 job and get some time to travel a bit and do all the creative ideas I’ve come up with over the years but never had the time or energy.

I can’t say more now until things are a bit more final but I’m posting this just to remind you all, like I’ve reminded myself to not forget to dream and take risks, do things that scare you, do things that make your heart beat fast and never apologise for it. Oh and it’s never too late. Most people my age want to settle down and have a family, and if that’s what makes them happy, that’s what they should, but I feel I have so much more in me before I settle down, it’s not for me, not for now. I have been and still am judged because of that, but honestly, I just ignore the ‘friendly advice’.

I’m terrified and excited in equal measure, my anxiety is reaching dangerous highs again but that’s the best I felt for months. So here’s to change and happiness and dreams.

Namaste

Eleni

Be brave my child, be brave

Wednesday morning…

I’m walking to work. It’s not that cold today so I can feel the extra layers of clothes weighing me down.

What if my mum gets dementia? What if she can’t remember me?? I teared up just thinking about it.

I watched a video yesterday with a woman talking to her mum in sign language in her car asking her if she recognises her. They have a minute long conversation and towards the end the mum asks the daughter:

Did I give birth to you?

She nods and they hug.

What if I die? My gums are still sore, what if it’s something serious and I end up dying here, now, away from my nearest and dearest? Every time anything hurts and doesn’t go away fast (and it doesn’t the older you get), BOOM, my mind is almost immediately imagining the worst possible scenario and anxiety levels reach new highs.

Am I a failure for considering moving back home for a while? Am I being ungrateful for wanting a change? Why am I not happy with my life as it is? Am I even good for anything else? I manage depression well nowadays unlike anxiety, but every now and then it finds a way, of course it does.

What is the point of living anyway if we’ll all die in the end? Julie’s death shocked me. A perfectly healthy early 50s year old who’s completed over 100 parkruns and had ran 10k a day before she suddenly collapsed and never woke up.

Now tears are streaming down my face and I’m almost at work.

Pull yourself together woman!  At the end of the day, any decision will be scary. It’s never going to be a good time. So just be brave. And do what you feel is the best for you. You can’t do everything, you can’t live 100 different lives, so just do something, anything. I tell myself and walk in.

All this during a 15 minute walk, intermittent with actually listening to the music in my headphones before the next intrusive thought.

Oh no, don’t cry, it’s in your heart
So dry those eyes, keep holding on for your dear life
Be a soldier of hope!

I once took a picture that somehow sums up how I feel when I’m IN the upside down. It’s as if I’m trying to cycle through the park, in a misty morning, I can’t see much, all I can see is the post in front of me I’m terrified I’d hit, but the reality is, 5 minutes later? I’m out, the mist is lifted, I didn’t hit the post and I can now see the gorgeous lake.

This is only an example of an episode and it can happen multiple times a day.

I know this is just not me, I know you go through the same motions. We all do. So let’s talk about it.

Let it all out. I’m not weird, you are not weird. We are humans and that’s how our brains work and the more we talk about it, the more we can help each other and get rid of the stigma around it once and for all.

Since I started talking about it, I realised that I’m not crazy or the only one going through this, we are all in this together. It feels better almost instantly when you share.

One thing that helps me remind myself when I go through an episode is what Matt Haig beautifully put together in a few sentences.

Image may contain: text that says "You are okay You may feel like shit. Your mind might be beating yourself up You may think you aren' t going to make it. But just think of a time you felt bad before. And think of something good that happened in the interim. Some good shit will happen. Just wait."

I’m more confused than ever and I keep changing my mind about things every minute of every hour but one thing is for sure, I’ll never stop talking about mental health.

Eleni

A chat with a six year old

Would you like to do some colouring? Six and a half year old Erica asked me 10 minutes into our chat.

Of course I said. And a minute later she brought a large box of pencils, pens, crayons, borrowed some paper from the printer at the reception desk her grandma sat, and demonstrated beautifully how she could climb on the stool next to me and we started drawing.

She was ‘doing artistic’, basically just drawing circles and lines and I was drawing the sun. She lent me her favourite golden colour to colour it.

I never thought that one day I’ll be drawing and chatting about life with a six year old (‘Not six, six and a half, I’ll be seven in September!’ she corrected me) at the dentist’s office but after a major anxiety episode just before my orthodontist exam (a series of blogs on my getting braces experience coming soon, if all goes well), this little break I had whilst waiting for my x-rays was just what I needed.

She told me how she doesn’t like boys because they are silly (her grandma and I had a right laugh, telling her that they don’t really change over time) but she has two boyfriends, Alex and Finley, Finley is the one she is in love with though.

We talked about her family, how she would have a little sister in a few months, how much she likes school. A sweet, well-behaved, unbelievably clever little girl.

To think that an hour earlier I was making a list on my phone of all the things they could have gone wrong and scoring my anxiety level 9 out of 10. None of this actually happened in case you are wondering. But there’s no common sense when it comes to anxiety.

Erica reminded me how much simpler and fun life can be when you don’t worry about things and just enjoy the moment and she completely distracted me from my crazy thoughts.

I was thinking after I left how talking to children can not just benefit older people ( I LOVE Old People’s home for 4 year olds, such a brilliant idea) but it could work as a great stress relief for everyone.

Thank you Erica for reminding me to let out the child in me sometimes, you made my day.

Eleni

Thought of the Day- Growing Older

I woke up thinking of my excruciatingly painful contrasting feelings on growing old-er (I find it fascinating I often think about how I feel). I’ve been pondering for months now, but lately I often feel I’m trapped in a glass box watching my own life go by and all I want to do is shout STOP! whilst I try and make sense of it.

One minute, I love it. I care less if at all about the less important things in life and I feel comfortable in my own skin. I love myself (most of the time) and I worked hard on that. I used to hate taking a selfie only a few years ago, every time I looked at it I just stared at my imperfections, my mistakes, my failures. Now, I don’t mind. I actually love following my trip of self exploration, and I live a life that is almost completely up to me on what direction it can take (that’s a whole other story).

And for those who keep asking and asking. I don’t need a man to be happy. Your happiness doesn’t and should never depend on anyone else other than you. I will only get in a relationship again when and if I meet someone who makes me feel like it.

I feel lucky I was born and raised in the non-social media era so I find it easy to not allow them to dictate my happiness, which is tough for youngest generations I feel. Although I love Social Media, with its pros and cons, I don’t feel the need I have to be active on them every day and I go through phases I don’t check or post anything. That’s not the real world after all.

But there are a few more downfalls than just a few wrinkles that comes with getting older. I watch and/or check the news every day (a clear sign of getting older). Yes. I became that person who understands politics (only just) and how it affects the world, which is so so sad because the more I know the worse I feel.

Everything feels scarier. Taking risks suddenly feels harder. I’ve become more cynical and less trusting, and sadly I’m proven right most of the time.

And the worst feeling that comes with it. The saddest realisation of all, life is too damn short. More often people I know die. I grow older every single day and I’m running out of time. There’s so much I want to do and there’s not enough time. That’s my greatest struggle right now. Accepting the fact that I’m running out of time and I need to get out of my tiny little head and take risks. Do more of the things I enjoy, try new things and get out of this stupid comfort zone. Feel the adrenaline. Feel my heart beat loud and fast, not because of anxiety, but of pure excitement.

This is just a tiny sample of the differing strickingly feelings that come with growing old.

So, kids, aunty Eleni’s advice (with a little help from a Twitter friend): Be brave, get out, try things and don’t worry. And don’t be scared to ask for help.

Oh and here’s my 10 year challenge. A then care-free happy 22 year old girl (the picture was taken on a small, then fashionable digital camera) and a now ‘mature grown up’ woman.

Eleni

Just doing January

A glorious clear blue sky, with perfect views of the sun, the sea. Then suddenly a dark cloud appears, and another one, and a few seconds later, rain and thunderstorm.

The blue sky: my mind. The views: life, happiness, serenity. The clouds: the ‘not pleasant’ thoughts. The rain and thunderstorm: depression and anxiety.

A million of those thoughts racing in my mind. The terrifying realisation of growing older, ‘when will I do everything I want?’ What if something happens to my family?, worry how and whether I can afford a new job? braces? travelling?, worry for my current job, ‘what if I’m made redundant, or downgraded?’, worry there’s not enough time in a day to write, play my guitar, do my yoga, draw, read a book, do more volunteering, see a film, watch a play, try new things. What if I die tomorrow and I don’t get to do any of this??

My heart starts to beat faster and faster, my hands are sweating, I forget to breathe and then…

Disappointment, self-doubt, ‘maybe that’s just it, maybe I can’t do any more. Stuck in the same place for ever… ‘

And finally, the worst of it all. Numbness. Emptiness. At random, unexpected moments it feels as if I can’t shake away this, this feeling of vainness, as if my ability to feel happiness has been suddenly taken away.

January is tough for me. Christmas (which I love) is over but winter (which I don’t) is not, summer is still months away, we are all back to routine (I hate routine). It’s dark and bitterly cold which makes it harder to do things outside the house and all the reminders that another year is over are not helping.

Of course I know all this is is in my head. For me though it’s real. It’s not all the time or all together (sometimes it’s just the anxiety, or the depression) I can still have a laugh, enjoy some things but sometimes I can’t get out of this maze.

So at a time of the year that most start afresh and focus on their New Year resolutions, are doing Veganuary, Dry January, Red January, what do I do? I’m just doing January. Just things that keep my anxiety and depression from affecting my functionality. Just surviving for now.

I still have a wishlist of things I’d love to do, a bucket list (I prefer to tick off things off my bucket list rather than have resolutions) and I’m a great believer you can start something anytime of the year, for now though I just need to get through this month.

But it can’t just be me that feels that way. Actually, I know for a fact it’s not just me. I’ve spoken to friends who go through the same motions. I’ve seen posts on social media from others who are finding it hard to fight the blues.

If you, like me are struggling this January, here’s some of the things that help me, hopefully they may help you or they may help you find what works for you.

Music. Most of the day, every day. Indie, folk, rock, pop, depending on my mood. I wouldn’t survived without my Spotify playlist.

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1Nd3V0sBsGU9wQdTRaF8X9
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DoTtedPFyhc

Yoga. Whatever happens I always go back to Yoga with Adriene since I discovered it back in 2017. My favourite yoga lady. Her 30 day yoga revolution is now on, every day a new video, a new session. That half an hour, 40 minutes a day is sometimes the only time I manage to keep the invasive thoughts away.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AFrWtw7YNlA

Food. Healthy, delicious food with a few unhealthy treats a week, pizza on a Friday, lunch with friends. It’s all about balance. I loved this wholefood vegan burger from cafe Thrive yesterday.

Reading. At the moment I’m reading Matt Haig’s (whose autobiographical books on anxiety and depression are humbly and beautifully honest, amazing) Notes On A Nervous Planet. Highly recommend following him on Twitter.

Friends. The show and real friends. Watching Friends never fails to make me laugh. And time with my friends. Talking to friends and family keeps me connected to the real world, otherwise detachment may overstay its welcome.

What helps you? I’d love to know what’s worked for others so we can inspire one another.

OK, off to do my yoga and have a nice cup of tea.

Eleni

My 2019 New Year Wish

I’m holding a coin wrapped in tin foil and everyone is cheering me. Surreal.

It just turned 2019 and I was the ‘lucky’ one this year, the ‘lucky charm’ was in my slice of Vasilopita, the traditional New Year’s cake. Who knows, maybe luck would be on my side this year. That will be a first!

I don’t do New Year resolutions. Instead since last year I make a wish.

https://elenisworld.org/2018/01/01/my-2018-new-year-wish/

(And the family and I started a New Year Day tradition from 2019, baked Camembert and fresh bread for brunch!)

I read somewhere a few days ago, a post reminding me and all of us not to believe the ‘perfect lives’ and ‘reflecting on another amazing year‘ social media portray and oh my God is so true.

I regularly reflect back on my life but inevitably it also happens once a year.

It hasn’t been an ‘amazing’,’incredible’ year. There’s been highs and lows. I’ve climbed Ben Nevis (if you want to find out more on Ben Nevis you can do so here) but on other days my anxiety was so bad I was paralysed, I travelled on my own for the first time but also lived with a flatmate I didn’t get along for six months, I sang at the Mayflower with my Solent Choir gang and made great memories with family and friends, I felt loved and at the same time I experienced rejection. I signed up to volunteer for two great charities but I’m still stuck at a meaningless job.

No matter what happened I had wonderful moments with my nearest and dearest who I wouldn’t survive with at times, and for that I feel blessed and happy.

That’s life. Good and bad. Easy and tough. Each of us follows their own path and are on their own timezone, so you can’t and shouldn’t compare your life to others but we all go through the same motions.

So I won’t say much this year, the only thing I’ll wish to everyone other than health, physical and mental, which is major, is happiness and love. I hope you all do whatever makes you happy and make great memories with loved ones.

Happy New Year! Here’s to 2019!

Eleni

Blogmas Day 20 and Day 21- Christmas was almost cancelled

There was no Blogmas yesterday because this time yesterday I was devastated.

Gatwick airport was closed all day and after all the bad luck of the last couple of days I felt defeated. I didn’t think I’d make it home for Christmas. All I wanted to do was go home and cry. Although I already had a few invites in case I were to spend Christmas in Southampton, if I hadn’t made it I would have stayed in my pjs stuffing my face with pizza and chocolate for a week and not speak to anyone. That was my Plan B.

Thank you to all my wonderful friends and colleagues that kept me going. Wonderful lunch with the old Compliance gang and drinks with the rest of my favourites made all the difference. I was overwhelmed with all the love, hugs and wishes.

Today was a long, long day and until my plane actually took off I didn’t really believe it was going to happen. The only one who believed was my little sister, Anna.

I genuinely think the only reason I made it was because of all the prayers and positive thoughts.

Christmas was almost cancelled but I was lucky for once. Shortly after my flight took off the airport closed down again. Phew.

Whoever is doing this, disrupting travel for people who save for months either to have Christmas with loved ones or somewhere special, and force pregnant women, children and thousands of other people to sleep on the airport floor, I hope you realise how mean and inhumane what you are doing is.

I hope everyone makes it home for Christmas. Sending you all my positive thoughts.

Eleni

Blogmas Day 19- Packing home for Christmas in the Upside Down

It’s been a weird day. I think I was in the upside down, not the real world. Maybe I’m still there? Am I?

My Royal Mail re-delivery saga continued (48 minutes waiting on the line to speak to an advisor, the classical music playing repeatedly traumatised me) and there is a chance I won’t have my mum’s gift in time, I may have a tooth infection (or my anxiety is causing the pain, Ι really can’t tell), so the first thing I’ll do when I go home is visit the dentist, that’s not how I wanted to spend my first morning back home, there was a guy kissing everyone, even people who just met in the office who I desperately avoided (there is friendly and there is too friendly), people are leaving Solent, others leaving the country and it feels like time suddenly slowed down today.

I’m tired, stressed, emotional, worried about a million things that can go wrong from now until Christmas, I started packing for Friday though, which got me all excited. It looks so pretty and festive.

That’s life. Ups and downs. There are days I can control my feelings and my thoughts and other days like today when it feels my bad luck will never end, I can’t.

And it’s OK.

Last day at work tomorrow before I fly home for Christmas and I’m spending it with lovely friends and colleagues. So here’s to tomorrow.

Eleni

Blogmas day 18- the Last 2018 SSU staff choir performance

One of the best decisions I ever made, at an unknowingly *pivotal moment in my life was to join the Lunchtime Glee club, a group of colleagues coming together once a week for an hour of laughter and singing, the best remedy to uplift us, especially after a long, busy day at work.

Five year later and since then Lunchtime Glee has grown and became Singforce, and our SSU choir is part of a huge staff choir network all around Hampshire, I’ve made wonderful friends and though we are only doing this for fun we got to perform not only at events across the University including the Staff Awards and the Graduation flashmob but also at events all over Southampton, at the Mayflower Gala, the Annual One Sound choir collab shows (Turner Sims was probably my favourite) and John Lewis to name a few.

Our last 2018 performance was today, at the VC Christmas reception at the Spark. We couldn’t hear the music well so it wasn’t our best, but it was the perfect end to a wonderful year for our SSU staff choir. Thank you to my lovely Helen for the snap.

Thank you Dan for all you do for us, I love our choir family.

Eleni

*(Pivotal moment in my life: Lunchtime Glee through Dan led me to Sing Now, a community choir I was part for almost two years, which brought my bestie, Sheba in my life and many many other amazing friends and memories and helped me realise and get out of a dead end relationship, that’s the short story version)

Blogmas day 12- Pampering

Sometimes you just need a break to breathe and look after yourself.

After a hectic couple of weeks last night I had a whole night to myself. Not quite sure how that happened, but I’m so happy it did.

I had a healthy vegetable and tuna dinner and a long, hot shower before I settled in the living room.

I watched back to back Friends episodes whilst I treated myself to a Boots Rooibos beauty mask (which made me look ridiculous but my skin felt great after that), painted my nails and I spent an unhealthy amount of time staring at my beautiful Christmas tree. Still can’t believe how great it looks.

A quiet, relaxing evening. Ahhh, just perfect.

Eleni