anxiety – Page 3 – Lessons I learned after I turned 30

Blogmas Day 20 and Day 21- Christmas was almost cancelled

There was no Blogmas yesterday because this time yesterday I was devastated.

Gatwick airport was closed all day and after all the bad luck of the last couple of days I felt defeated. I didn’t think I’d make it home for Christmas. All I wanted to do was go home and cry. Although I already had a few invites in case I were to spend Christmas in Southampton, if I hadn’t made it I would have stayed in my pjs stuffing my face with pizza and chocolate for a week and not speak to anyone. That was my Plan B.

Thank you to all my wonderful friends and colleagues that kept me going. Wonderful lunch with the old Compliance gang and drinks with the rest of my favourites made all the difference. I was overwhelmed with all the love, hugs and wishes.

Today was a long, long day and until my plane actually took off I didn’t really believe it was going to happen. The only one who believed was my little sister, Anna.

I genuinely think the only reason I made it was because of all the prayers and positive thoughts.

Christmas was almost cancelled but I was lucky for once. Shortly after my flight took off the airport closed down again. Phew.

Whoever is doing this, disrupting travel for people who save for months either to have Christmas with loved ones or somewhere special, and force pregnant women, children and thousands of other people to sleep on the airport floor, I hope you realise how mean and inhumane what you are doing is.

I hope everyone makes it home for Christmas. Sending you all my positive thoughts.

Eleni

Blogmas Day 19- Packing home for Christmas in the Upside Down

It’s been a weird day. I think I was in the upside down, not the real world. Maybe I’m still there? Am I?

My Royal Mail re-delivery saga continued (48 minutes waiting on the line to speak to an advisor, the classical music playing repeatedly traumatised me) and there is a chance I won’t have my mum’s gift in time, I may have a tooth infection (or my anxiety is causing the pain, Ι really can’t tell), so the first thing I’ll do when I go home is visit the dentist, that’s not how I wanted to spend my first morning back home, there was a guy kissing everyone, even people who just met in the office who I desperately avoided (there is friendly and there is too friendly), people are leaving Solent, others leaving the country and it feels like time suddenly slowed down today.

I’m tired, stressed, emotional, worried about a million things that can go wrong from now until Christmas, I started packing for Friday though, which got me all excited. It looks so pretty and festive.

That’s life. Ups and downs. There are days I can control my feelings and my thoughts and other days like today when it feels my bad luck will never end, I can’t.

And it’s OK.

Last day at work tomorrow before I fly home for Christmas and I’m spending it with lovely friends and colleagues. So here’s to tomorrow.

Eleni

‘Help me’, the most honest self-help book on self-help books.

15th of October, a gloomy, rainy afternoon

It’s been raining all day, well, at least since 10am when I finally woke up and dragged myself out of bed. I made a cup of coffee and snuggled on my sofa with a blanket. Sunday Brunch was on. I love this show but only watched for a short while and then grubbed my book. Help Me, by Marianne Power.

Shebs recommended it- ‘You will love it!’ she said- and I got it a few weeks ago but it’s been such a busy 14 days I didn’t get the time to read much more than about 100 pages since I bought it.

But after the last two weeks I burned out. Mentally and physically. That’s what I do when I struggle. I keep myself busy all the time to avoid being with myself. And then I crush.

I couldn’t read this book at a more appropriate time. I could relate to it at so many levels, so incredibly honest, thought-provoking and at points sad and hilarious. Not many books made me cry and laugh. I finished it that afternoon. So what is it about?

It’s about the author’s year long adventure, a mid-thirties journalist living in London who despite doing what she loves for a living and wonderful friends and family, she is not happy. Excessive drinking and wasting any money she earns ending up in huge debt has not helped so she decides to take on a quest. She will try and follow to the letter a self-help book each month for a year.

And she did-ish. From Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway, the Secret (not many books I dislike as much as the Secret), Tony Robbins the 10-Day Tony Challenge (who I personally think is just a salesman, making false promises to vulnerable people for a very expensive price), Get the Guy by Matthew Hussey to Daring Greatly by Brene Brown (Brene’s TedX talk on vulnerability is just brilliant).

She tried it all, from juicing diets, to deliberately attempting to get rejected, to swimming in a freezing lake in January, Tony Robbin’s ridiculous conference to a week long ‘Fuck it’ workshop in Italy. It all started well but during this she alienated herself from her friends and family, she broke down many times and in the end?

In the end she learned one thing: the only one who can really help you is yourself. No self-help book would magically transform your life.

I’m not sure whether I loved it so much because I could surprisingly relate to most of it (I’d say probably all of it except the job bit, I’m still stuck to a job I don’t enjoy and took everything out of it I could possibly take), single, for similar reasons, dealing with all the mid-thirties chaotic dilemmas and anxieties.

Thank you Marianne. Thank you for sharing your story, being vulnerable and opening up about what it feels like to be stressed, depressed, worried, sad especially nowadays is incredibly brave but also liberating. That moment when you realise what you are going through is more common than you think, that others not only understand but also have been through this themselves, is just magical, is what connects all humans on another level.

And thank you for beautifully, honestly and accurately describing how the quest of meaning and happiness in this crazy world is not an easy ride but appreciating what you have, loving and taking care of yourself and others make it worthwhile.

‘But I see now that perfection does not exist and happiness comes not from getting what you think you want but from opening your eyes and recognising that you have everything you could possibly need right now’ Marianne Power

Eleni

Break

When you need to stop to take a breath,

when the world is too much, should I’ve stayed or left?

When you feel stuck and wonder, what the meaning of this is,

should I keep going or should I just exist?

Stop.

Take a deep breath.

Get lost in a book, forget all the rest.

In magical worlds, in fairy tales, with angels and devils.

In Wonderland.

It’s not a great poem, it may not rhyme,

but I truly hope I made you smile 🙂

Eleni

PS Thank you Solent University for my Waterstones £100 giftcard. The most wonderful gift at a much needed time.

World Mental Health Day, 2018

Every year, since I started this blog, no matter how I feel and what I do, I always make time to write about World Mental Health Day.

It’s been celebrated since 1992, 26 years. A lot has changed since then, but there’s still a long way to go.

I won’t go into much detail of my own experiences, but I fell down the dark hole a couple of times, I’ve been through anorexia in my teenage years, I had a bitter taste of how hypo-chondria feels like and I’ve been struggling with anxiety for years and although I’m handling it much better it sometimes flares up. So, I know first hand what is like.

And is not just me. Many close, loved ones had their fair share of experiences.

Always remember, you are not alone, even when you think you are. God I know how tough it is. How impossible it feels to just admit you are struggling. But the moment you do it, to share it with someone else, family, a friend or dedicated helplines, it will make a huge difference.

And it’s OK not to be OK. Some days are better than others and some days are not. I’m battling with my own troubling, debilitating thoughts lately and I haven’t had a decent night’s sleep for days, I still make it out of bed, go to work, see my friends, do things most of the time and there are days that I just go straight home after work, crawl into fetal position, shut my eyes and lie there in silence, because it’s all too much to handle. And that’s OK.

After almost six centuries, since the first time the term ‘psychology’ ignited the research into the field, we finally live in an era where it is OK to be open and honest about your struggles. There is still stigma around it, but it’s getting better and more and more people, organisations, workplaces realise the importance of mental health.

This year’s theme is Young people and mental health in a changing world which couldn’t be more crucial. Mental Health Awareness, mindfulness and emotional intelligence training should be taught from a young age, children should learn how to recognise and manage their feelings and know from as early as possible that it’s OK not to be OK and that they have someone to talk to about their feelings and their struggles.

Maybe if the support was there for our generation, we would have been able to cope better, so let’s make it our goal to improve that for future generations.

I’ll close this with what I said last year, every day is Mental Health Day.

Here’s to another year of great initiatives to improve awareness and embed World Mental Health in our daily vocabulary.

PS Featured Image is one of the official World Mental Health Day 2018 posters by WHO (World Health Organisation). I do not own this image.

Namaste

Eleni

July the 16th

There’s not much to say for the actual day. That’s what normally happens doesn’t it? It’s always the build up before the big day that causes most of the angst and it’s almost never as bad as you think it will be.

Monday, 16th of July

I woke up bright and early despite the exhaustion and the slight hangover (all worth it Jaba!). I had plans for the weekend I was not willing to cancel because of the move. Jazz night in London on Saturday, Mark’s 50th BBQ party on Sunday, I couldn’t possibly miss either so I spent the little time I had in between to pack and on Monday morning I was almost ready.

I had a last cup of coffee at the old place, finished packing and headed to the agency to fill in the paperwork and get the keys. On my way there I kept thinking of everything that happened the last 6 months. I know this is just in my mind, a symbolic gesture but it felt I can leave all of it behind, in that flat. As if never happened. Although it did. But I take what I learned from each and move on. Somehow every time it feels easier.

I went back home and waited for Barry, my removal man. After about two hours it was all done. Barry and his wife were just brilliant. Although I had more stuff that I originally thought, they squeezed everything in their van and didn’t charge me extra and they took special care of my more precious belongings.

I had no furniture other than my bed, a dressing table and a TV stand so after I unpacked most of my things, I put some blankets and cushions in a corner of the living room and connected the TV. It would do for now…

I was unbelievably happy I finally moved back on my own. Still, after two months, I catch myself smiling when thinking I now live alone again and I love everything about my new place, the space, they layout, the balcony, I even made a new friend, Mr Coco Flaps (thanks to Dan and Emma’s wonderful children who helped with the name).

I tortured myself over the last couple of months overthinking, wondering if I was the problem.

Did I overreact? Should I have put up with living with someone else for a bit longer? Dirty dishes in the sink, not paying the Council tax and not saying anything until I got a letter (the first one I didn’t get to see until yesterday) from the Council. Surely it’s not just me who wouldn’t put up with this?

Did I cause getting ghosted twice over the last six months? Have I sub-consciously done something to make people disappear with no explanation? I would have never done that to anyone and it still shocks me that people think it’s OK to do that.

If that happened to you too, it is definitely NOT you. It’s not your fault if others are not brave or honest enough to just say what they think and what they feel.

I’m not sure if everything happens for a reason. But you certainly learn from every single experience. Sometimes is a reminder of something you already know, sometimes it’s a brand new lesson and sometimes through a bad experience, you make new friends, you become closer to your existing friends and you appreciate life more.

I’m a firm believer of starting over whenever you want to, it doesn’t have to be New Year or New Week or New Day, it could be a New Second, you can decide to change your life anytime, but moving into a new place is a de facto new start and an opportunity to hit the refresh button. There’s still a lot I want to do and as much as I try it’s not going to happen overnight, all this ‘When you desperately want something, the universe will make it happen’ is simply not true. Your life changes for the better when you keep trying and keep improving yourself. Just remember to be happy with where you are right now, love your self unlimitedly and don’t forget what you achieved so far. I certainly remind myself often.

As Adriene would say the light in me bows to the light in you.

Namaste

Eleni

July the 16th, the Graduation before

Ooh ooh, ooh
You are not alone
Ooh ooh
For the last time I am sure…

Graduation week at Solent. My favourite working week of the year, by-a-mile. A celebration of our students’ achievements, a special moment in their life, one they share with their loved ones, one they will always remember when they get old and wrinkly and I get to be part of it, helping out, ushering them, cheering them on just before they nervously walk on stage to get their certificate. Steve, a colleague told me a month later when I bumped into him how nice it was to see a friendly face down the stairs, smiling and chatting to the students before their big moment. See that’s why I love volunteering. The joy you get from it doesn’t compare to anything else.

This year was even more special, one I will remember. Why you ask.

Wednesday, 11th of July

I woke up in horrible pain. It’s not those days of the month yet, not just yet but all the anxiety took its toll. I sometimes worry the effect of stress on my body may have permanently damaged it…

I slowly got ready and went in the office early to scan and send some paperwork to the letting agent and put my gown on before I head to Guildhall for graduation.

I found out yesterday that if my references go through on time, I’ll have a place to move to on Monday. What else can go wrong you say…

Emails went through to a contact I had at the agency I rent my current flat from and my manager last night. But neither reference forms have been filled in yet.

The heat, the thick gown and the anxiety levels fast rising caused me to break into nervous sweat. I could feel it dripping down my back. I won’t have much time to check my phone as soon as the first ceremony starts until lunchtime…What if? What if?

Just before I finish my morning coffee I give Dan, my current landlord referee a call but there’s no answer…

I go back in, I can’t let this distract me from what I’m here to do. A year later I’m once again behind the bar at the Guildhall and some of my favourite colleagues are there. We have a chat and prepare for the morning ceremony. One of my favourite moments, the calmness and quiet before the first guests walk through the door. God I love everything about Graduation.

I check my phone every now and then, no news, neither reference has gone through yet.

At lunchtime I call the Radian main office and ask for Dan but I found out Dan had left the company so they give me another number to call. Nadine who is now managing our property was out and she was off for the rest of the week. I send an urgent email to a generic address and pray for the best.

The morning ceremony was just beautiful. There was an in house student band this year and they were in-cre-di-ble. Pete Wilson, the Popular Music and Performance course leader who organised the whole thing, did an amazing job once again.

I still remember their cover of Swim by Fickle Friends. By the end of the week we all have danced to it. Another little moment I saved in my memories box, watching everyone swinging along sometimes without realising.

Ooh ooh, ooh
You are not alone
Ooh ooh
For the last time I am sure…

After lunch I get an email from the agent, my landlord reference has gone through but not the one by my manager.

I go back in the office after we wrapped up for the day. It seems Suzanne never got that second email. Seriously? Sometimes I wonder how unlucky I can be.

I call Homelet, (the referencing company that the lettings agency is using, £75 references cost by the way, £75 for me to do all the hard work and for them to just send a reference form through email and they can’t even get that right) but they closed early that day. Come on!

I still need to book a removal company but I can’t really until I know for sure I’m moving on Monday.

It will all be VERY last minute…

Thursday 12th of July

I go straight to the Guildhall today. I want all the flat related problems to be over with so I can enjoy Graduation to the full. And soon they are.

I call Homelet first thing in the morning, apparently there was a glitch on the system but they re-send the email to Suzanne there and then, she fills in my reference soon after and then the lettings agency emails me to say that everything is OK and to go on Monday at 12pm to sign the contract, pay my deposit and get the keys. AMEN!

I can finally relax. I still have to arrange the actual move and do most of the packing before Saturday, since I’ll spend it in London but that’s something completely under my control, so I don’t have to worry about that.

The rest of the day was brilliant. I loved chatting to all my lovely colleagues, especially Gillian. What a woman. So caring, motherly and offered to help with anything. I hope she knows how lovely she is.

I loved ushering the students on stage especially Paul Maple, a talented colleague I remember since I met him when I first started working at Solent, 7 years ago, and I finally managed to sit on the big deck chair and have an ice-cream with Dext, enjoying the sunshine.

It was the best ice cream I ever had. Not because of the taste. It was a common vanilla ice cream. But that moment. The sun shining in my face, blessed I had a great day and finally a stress-free relaxing moment, after all the drama of the last four days.

When I got home, I booked the removal company through AnyVan, the website I used six months ago when I moved again, I had no time to do any research and call for quote. It seems a local company accepted my quote but they didn’t send me any details straight away. Maybe I should start thinking of Plan B in case I end up with no-one to help me move? My contract ends on Monday so I HAVE to leave my old place by then…

Friday, 13th of July

If you love somebody, let them know whilst they are here ’cause they just might run away from you…

On Top of the World was playing on speakers and Lou, Sarah, Helen and I smiled at each other and hummed along…

I looked forward to this day for months. The last day of Graduation week 2018 and I would be part of the surprise Sarah, SingForce, the Solent choir and I were planning since Sarah came up with the idea months ago.

The morning ceremony went unexpectedly fast (in the meantime I got an email with my Removal company details, finally all ready for Monday) and with it a great surprise.

Whilst ushering students on stage, a familiar face… Steve Carter!!! Steve worked at Solent for years as the Head of Finance but I only got to know him better the last couple of years. He worked at Greece in the past so he knew Greek. Every now and then I’ll hear ‘Καλημέρα’ (Good morning) when wandering at work and it’ll make me smile, I knew it was Steve. A sweet, caring manager and incredibly awesome at what he does.

As soon as I saw him I couldn’t help but smile. He gave me a hug and whispered in my ear how much he loved my blog. I teared up watching him go up on stage. What an honour to usher Steve on stage to get his Masters.

After a quick break for lunch, it was time for the last ceremony of 2018. Dan has just arrived, looking handsome in his black suit and Jack came along to film.

All the volunteers, exhausted but happy that we got to the end of this year’s Graduation ceremonies danced along to Swim whilst the procession came over from the Spark for the last time. Familiar faces were in the Procession who wouldn’t be under normal circumstances. Suzanne asked me if I knew why but I pretended I didn’t.

When everyone went in, just before I were to go in with Sarah and Donald to get in place for ushering, two trolleys full with gowns arrived from the Spark for the 80 special guests we were about to sneak into the Guildhall.

After ushering I didn’t get out as I normally do. I stood at the side and waited. The plan was for Dan to go on stage, start singing the first verse of On Top of the World and after that we join him, the Solent choir (some of were in the Procession) and Singforce members who came along to help us make this flashmob bigger. And we made it! What a beautiful end to an amazing week.

After wrapping up for the last time, we went out for a well-deserved drink. Sarah has done an incredible job again. Superwoman I call her. She really is. Thank you for trusting me again with such a great responsibility.

I’ll always remember Graduation week 2018. The drama and stress of moving but more so for the laughs, the chats, ushering our graduates on stage, watching Paul and Steve getting their degrees and of course the Flashmob.

Namaste

July the 16th, the Tuesday before. Divine Intervention

Tuesday, 10th of July

Is it morning yet?

It was a beautiful, sunny morning but it all I could see still was grey.

I somehow make it to work.

I got an email from the agency, the flat I’ve seen yesterday wouldn’t be ready for the 16th and someone made an offer to rent it at the end of the month, when it would be available. My heart sank.

I’m feeling sick again.

What should I do? Should I go for one of the claustrophobic, depressing studio flats I’ve seen and get it over with? Should I just give up for now and move in with Jamie until I find a place?’What should I do??

I had a last look online and there it was, a one bed flat on the High Street I’ve seen on Rightmove before but it was over my budget. The price was now reduced, still overbudget but only by £35. It is available now and it looks pretty.

I call the estates agent to arrange a viewing, for today if possible. I explained my situation and she re-assured me that moving in less than a week is possible as the flat was vacant.

I could go see it in about an hour but I’m at work, I can’t just leave. The only time the agent could do was 1:15pm, but there would be someone else viewing it at the same time. Just my luck. But I’d still go. You never know.

From 9am until lunchtime I was a wreck. I tried really hard to concentrate and do some work but every now and then my mind would fall into despair and I all I wanted to do is cry.

Divine Intervention

Suddenly I get a message from Dan, one of the very few people who can understand the way my mind works, the crazy spiral it goes into when I’m stressed. He was at the Uni early for our choir session so I meet him downstairs. He gives me a big hug and we have a chat. Talking to him was the only thing that eased my mind for a while.

Under other circumstances I would give the rehearsal a miss, I can’t concentrate to do anything, let along remember lyrics and harmonies, but our little surprise for Graduation is in three days, this one was going to be just for that and I wouldn’t have missed that for anything. After our session I ran. I ran to make it to my appointment on time.

I viewed the flat at the same time as an elder couple and their daughter, they came along with her, she seemed very shy, I guess that’s why she brought their parents.

I loved it from the first time I walked into the building. Spacious corridors with laminated floors, grandiose mirrors on each floor, freshly clean smell and the flat itself was spacious, more than enough for one, modern, it even had a large balcony I didn’t know about.

Do I like it ’cause it’s actually nice or because I’m desperate to move on the 16th and avoid the hassle of moving twice? I often wonder why and how I do things. Sometimes I can easily recognise that I do something I truly like, others because of this innate need, which more than often leads to disappointment, to feel accepted, loved, important, wanted, safe.

This feels right though. I like it for the right reasons. I can see myself living happily here. It’s modern and big enough to have friends over, cosy autumn nights with a hot cuppa watching films or snuggled on my sofa reading a book, sunny mornings doing my yoga in the living room, sitting on the balcony people watching in the summer.

This could be it, but don’t get too excited yet.

I asked the agent what would happen if we both liked the flat. It seems that the young shy girl and her parents liked it too.

-In that case, we’d take both offers to the landlady and she will choose.

-And if I make an offer and is accepted, is it possible to move in on Monday?

-It usually takes over a week, it’s probably not possible. If you like it, give the office a call, as I’m off for the rest of the day and they’ll talk things through.

My heart sank, again. So it probably won’t happen. I called the agency on my way back to work and left a message anyway. An hour went by and didn’t hear from them. I knew it was over. I ran to the toilet and had a cry.

I messaged Jamie if I could still move in his spare room. He fortunately left me a spare key- he was going on holiday today but he is so thoughtful he left me a key at work to use if needed.

Although I was sad things didn’t work out, I was relieved, I didn’t have to stress and desperately keep looking for a place to move in 6 days, my anxiety would be kept at bay, for now.

Divine intervention

I stayed at work late, since I had a long lunch break and around 17:30 I get a phone call, from the agency. In my rush earlier I didn’t leave my name on my message, they lady on the other end of the line told me. I can’t remember much. That’s what happens when I’m too anxious.

It took them hours to figure out who it was.

She told me that if I still wanted to, she could contact the landlady and put my offer forward and if all my references go through within the next 24 hours, I can move in on the 16th.

I couldn’t believe it!

My battery was about to go and I sat at the park, at my favourite bench, patiently waiting for the agent to call me back and let me know if the landlady accepted my offer.

After what felt like hours, but it was actually 10 minutes later my phone rings.

Yes, the landlady agreed!!! I may now have a home!

I stayed there, at the bench, staring at the sun, thanking my lucky stars for today. I then message Chris, Dan, Sheba and my little sister to tell them the good news. I wouldn’t have done it without them. I would have broken down into million pieces and felt so paralysed I wouldn’t have kept going. I can’t stop thinking how lucky I am to have such incredible, loving, caring friends and family.

The huge rock that was on my back, crushing my bones into the ground all this time was suddenly lifted. It’s not over yet, I still need the references to go through quickly, I know my manager will fill in the forms instantly but what about my current landlord?

To be continued…

July the 16th, the Monday before

July the 16th, a date that filled me with joy and anticipation, the day I were to move out of a shared flat into my own little heaven once again, a day I’ve been eagerly waiting for months… a day that caused me sleepless nights and severe anxiety, though it was all worth it in the end.

Monday, 9th of July, the week before the big date…

Morning. Another sleepless night. I drag myself out of bed, get ready as fast as I possibly can and head to work. The weather has been glorious, sun shining, birds chirping, but my stress has transformed everything into a melancholic Van Gogh painting.

I find a wrapped bottle of something on my desk… What is it? Who is it from?

Denise brought me rose water from Cyprus!!! I can’t believe she remembered.

I open it there and then and wash my hands with it. I almost cried. Sweet childhood memories of hot summer days back home, washing my giagia Stella’s face with it, spraying it in my face ’cause I loved the smell so much.

For a moment I forget all my troubles. I wish Denise knew what that meant to me. I needed that brief time of calmness and joy in the sea of worries that’s been drowning me for the last couple of weeks. I’m so lucky to have such wonderful friends.

12:45pm. I just came back to work after the fourth viewing in the last two weeks. I think I liked this flat the most out of the rest. It’s small, but not a studio, it’s just opposite work, is a bit over budget but it will do. I can make it work.

I saw a recipe in Greek on the fridge, hah he is Greek…

It will finally put an end to this endless anxiety and constant worry whether I’d have somewhere to move to next Monday. But not just somewhere, somewhere I at least like.

The flats I’ve already seen were either too small, or too old, or no washing machine, or no oven (I have no idea how the person who lived there survived without an oven). I guess I can always compromise.

If I could make a decision…

The excruciating pain of my paralysing inability to make a decision… Should I go for a studio flat and try and save more money or should I pay a bit more and live somewhere nice for the first time ever after I broke up with Costas, rather than a tiny studio or an old building or living with a flatmate again? What’s most important? Location or space? What should I do? Compromise and try to save or go for comfort for once? Treat myself instead? But Chris is right, it may be better to wait and find a place I really like, a place that feels like home. What if I don’t find a place by next Monday, what if I end up on the street? What if am making the wrong decision? What is the meaning of life anyway? Aaaah

I haven’t slept well in weeks, I don’t have much of an appetite and I feel I may throw up any minute now.

I’m waiting for the agency to give me a call back and let me know whether the current tenant can move out of the flat by Monday, they reassured me that would probably be OK, but they have to check with him…

-We’ll let you know as soon as possible, in a couple of hours, he (the tenant) usually gets back to us quick.

2pm, 3pm, 4pm, 5pm. I haven’t heard back from them.

I could barely concentrate at work, but thankfully managed to keep on top.

I went home, had something small to eat and went to bed. I couldn’t do anything else.

What if the tenant can’t move out on the 16th? Should I go for one of the flats I’ve already seen? Maybe the larger studio I liked but in an ugly, dirty building? Should I stay with Jamie for a while instead until I find somewhere I really like? But what will I do with my stuff? Maybe just go for the small, tiny one that is available now?

Pleasee stop, everything will be OK, I’m sure the agent will call first thing in the morning and tell you everything will be fine, go to sleep. But what if?

I barely slept.

A milestone. The end of an era. A new beginning.

It’s June. It’s finally June.

For some is insignificant. Another day, another month.

For others, a milestone. The end of an era. A new beginning.

It’s not just another day or just another month. A moment I’ve been waiting for a year and a half. A moment I thought may never come.

Today I repaid my loan. A weight I’ve been carrying for a year and a half, a weight that’s been pulling me down, forcefully keeping me firmly on the ground against my will since I decided that I have to get rid of my credit card and turn it into a loan if I’ll ever be debt free.

And the reason I’ve had to sacrifice living on my own, which I dearly, painfully miss every single day for the last 5 months. But not for long.

Earlier today…

I just woke up and I’m acutely aware I have to get out of bed and get ready for work. But I’m struggling.

Weird dreams, night sweats, stomach aching (God damn you Malbec, I love you but the next day is never fun), lack of sleep. No wonder I can’t move. No wonder I’m still in bed.

‘That I won’t know where I’m going, if I don’t know where I am, but I feel more, I feel more… lost’ The Wind and the Wave lyric that’s been haunting me for a while now… and I can’t stop repeating it… over and over.

7:45am and I’m still in bed…

Was I really in Cyprus a month ago? Was I in London two weeks ago? It can’t be. It’s blurry in my head. Distant, beautiful, loving memories. As if they happened months ago.

I can’t get used to it. The new office, the new responsibilities. I’m still helping out, still doing some of the things I used to do. Some people want it all. There and then. They can’t handle it. Some people don’t appreciate how well and efficiently you do your job, because you make it look easy. My fault?

I miss A101. I miss Donna and Linda and Sati and Sophie and Andy and Sarah and Dave, our kitchen chats, our laughs, our daily fun.

Dave, the best boss and one of the sweetest, friendliest, creative, inspiring humans I’ve ever met is leaving.

Syed, lovely, always polite, considerate, kind- hearted Syed is leaving.

Everyone’s leaving.

Sheba left, came back and she will be going again soon.

Now I’ll be debt-free I can go anywhere I want. Why am I still here? Should I go? Do I want to go? Where to? Why am I still here?

Ray died. I saw him a month ago at One Sound. But now I’ll never see him again. I’ll never see his smiley face.

What if my grandpa dies? He is the same age as Ray. Oh my God. I will not cope. I won’t be able to fly home on my own to face this. Why am I thinking this?

Ray died.

Change on top of change, on top of change. I love change. But how do you manage all this change?

I tried to make a new friend. And I failed. I failed. Is it me? Is there is something wrong with me? Am I too loud, too chatty, too annoying? Am I boring?

Is it them? Can you help someone who doesn’t want to be helped? Should you try harder or give up and let go?

I miss living on my own. I miss it so much it hurts. I miss it all the time.

13 reasons why. 13 reasons why an intelligent, strong, talented 17 year old decided to take her own life. If only one, just one of her friends had done something differently, she would have still been with them. What if any of my friends are struggling and I don’t know about it? How will I know? How can I know? I hope they know they can always come to me. They need to know they can come to me for help.

Bullying in your teens, a trauma you carry with you your whole life. Bullying as an adult, different, but equally painful. Bullying, any form can crush your very soul.

I get why you did it Hannah Baker. Sometimes you feel is the only solution, the only thing that will make the pain stop. I wish you knew you were never alone…

Will I die alone? Maybe I will. It’s very likely. ‘You are too fussy’. I don’t want to die alone.

Why am I thinking all of this?

And why am I thinking all of this in English? Why can’t I do it in Greek?

STOP!!!

I promise you, you’ll be OK. You got this.

You are doing awesome. You are better than ever.

I know you feel you were stuck all this time but you’ve been moving. You just didn’t realise my darling. You are now debt-free, you are volunteering for a charity, you are making new friends every day. You’ve been moving all along my dear.

Now get out of bed and call the bank. Repay your loan, get ready for work and go!

Overthinking. My best friend. And worst enemy. Thank God for yoga and my friends, especially Chris, keeping me sane, although I just realised if you are reading this you may think I’m insane.

I’m not. One thing I’m still sure of.

As of today I’m debt free. As of today I’m free to do anything I want. I just need to figure out what it is that I want. Liberating… and terrifying. It makes me smile though…

Namaste

Eleni