05:30, 20th of July, 1974 the sirens sounded, the Turks just invaded Cyprus…

43 years agο, on the early, warm morning of the 20th of July 1974, the sirens sounded. Since then they will sound every year on that day to remind us of 1974.

My mum, 8 years old then, with two of her three sisters, her brother and her parents woke up terrified and were told that Turks invaded Cyprus and had to leave their home and ran into safety. Her eldest sister was with her grandma and grandpa, captured by the Turks. Later on a kind Turkish officer would disguise her and she would pretend to be an old lady so she could escape and avoid rape and murder…

A few cities away, my dad, his two sisters and his mum were on the run, desperate to get into safety… They would live in a refugee camp for months…

My dad still has some photos from the time he lived in those but since they are all back home in Cyprus. I found these ones online, to give you an idea of life after the invasion.

I’ve heard and read hundreds of horror stories over the years, not just what I’ve been taught at school (not much) but from my parents, relatives, family friends and my own research.

I spent endless summer nights with my dad sitting on our balcony, having a cold beer and him narrating everything that has happened with chilling details, from the 15th of July 1974, the coup, the assassination attempt of the then president Archbishop Makarios (his statue is still in Madam Tussauds), the historic moment he addressed the Cypriot nation on the radio confirming he was alive, until that horrendous day, 20/7/1974 that left a horrible mark on my little island’s history for ever.

43 years later, a lot of people are still missing, several have died in protest (I vividly remember the summer of 1996, when Solomos Solomou, upset and emotional after his cousin’s murder, was shot dead by a Turkish officer, whilst climbing on the flag pole in an attempt to take down the Turkish flag and replace it with the Cypriot one. The whole island watching this were terrified that the Turks would invade Cyprus again, I had nightmares for years after that day)  and Nicosia is the last divided capital in the world.

I won’t get into too much politics but I’m aware that England, Turkey and Greece had already divided the island since 1963, 11 years before the invasion and the infamous Green Line that still divides my little island got its name from the colour of the pen the then British Commander Young used to split the island on the map. British forces are still in Cyprus to keep the ‘peace’ between the two ‘governments’.

It’s sad that after all these years the island is still divided and all because of politics. My grandparents and parents used to live with Turkish Cypriots in peace until politics destroyed everything. My grandpa can still speak Turkish, as he had Turkish Cypriot friends.

It’s sad that my little sister’s generation doesn’t really know much about what happened and a lot of the memories and the history will die when my generation dies.

I remember my dearest grandma Stella describing me the beauties of her birth place, Kithrea, the river that run through it, Kefalovriso, how my mum used to play with the ducks in the river, my grandpa telling me all about his life before 1974, being a shepherd, spending his days in the fields, playing his flute. I remember my dad’s hilarious childhood adventures, running around getting himself into trouble, working at his uncle’s restaurant and many many more stories.

I’ve always wanted to write them down so they don’t die with me and that’s on my bucket list.

I can keep on writing about my little island’s history for days but the only thing I want to say on this day is:

I hope that one day I don’t have to show my passport to visit my mum and dad’s homes, the places they were born and grew up. I’ve only visited once and I found it extremely sad and felt sorry for Turkish Cypriots who most live in poverty. There is so much beauty on the other side of my island but no money to let it shine through.

I hope one day my little island will be united again, even if it’s under two governments.

Until then, I’ll never forget and hope for the best.

Δεν ξεχνώ και αγωνίζομαι.

Eleni x

My star of a sister Stella

I haven’t posted for a while… although there is so much I wanted to write about (interesting books I read, things I got to do, ask for ideas for career/city/country move inspiration), but I didn’t get the chance. Will do after I come back from my summer visit to my beautiful island.

Before I go on writing about my sister, I hope you are all well and you haven’t been affected by the most recent terrorist attacks. If you have (and you might have, even if you were not in London on that horrific night, indirect trauma exposure can cause PTSD), I hope you stay strong, I cannot even imagine how it might feel. I wasn’t there but I was genuinely terrified on Saturday night, I hardly got any sleep. As most of us, I have friends and relatives in London and I sweat worrying about them until I knew they were safe (especially my cousin who only recently moved to London, I don’t even want to say out loud what horrible thoughts were going through my mind). I’m not going to say any more on that but I posted my thoughts on FB. (https://www.facebook.com/eleni.zenonos/posts/10154834034647326?pnref=story)

And one more thing, I cannot not mention the General Election. I unfortunately found out after I booked my ticket home and after the registration deadline that I’m allowed to vote as I’m a Commonwealth citizen. I really don’t know what will happen with Brexit, the NHS, the economy but what I’d say if you are registered to vote, vote for policies, not people.

A year ago I flew home the day of the referendum and I was shocked with the result (incidentally I fly home the day before the General Election this week). It goes to show that you should expect the unexpected, so if you care, please go and vote. I sincerely hope that the United Kingdom is not turned into a dictatorship state.

Now back to the purpose of this post…

A while ago I posted about my youngest sister and I wanted to post about my second sister, Stella but I was waiting for her birthday. Well I will be with her and the rest of the family spending the day at the beach on her birthday, so I decided to post this now, just before I meet her at the airport on Wednesday!

Stella, our little star is the prime example of love, caring, devotion and sensitivity.

She was always a bit wild and short-tempered (and stubborn, our family trend). She never enjoyed reading or studying but she studied what she always wanted, culinary arts and she is now a cook to the delight of all of us enjoying her delicious creations.

Since she was a child she always tried to hide her sensitive side but her kindness and love always shines through. I’m not exaggerating to the least to say she has been the rock of the whole family, close and extended.

Every time anyone in the family or her friends/colleagues is not feeling well, she is the first to go and help. She is the one sitting with them at the hospital ward, in A&E, she is the one driving hours to get to them. She is the one bringing friends or colleagues who have nowhere to go for Christmas or New Year’s eve to spend it with the family.

She was recently telling me how she spent hours with the team of the dog shelter she volunteers for, looking for an abandoned dog that got its head trapped in a plastic bottle and how happy she was when they found and rescued it- they are still looking for a foster home for it if you live in Cyprus and you can help.(https://www.facebook.com/elena.elen.585/posts/1459388790795049?pnref=story?

We used to fight a lot when we were kids but as we grew up we became best friends and I couldn’t imagine my life without her. She supported and supports me with literally everything even though we live thousands of miles apart. She is always there for me and I’ll always be there for her.

Although she wants to come across as tough, we all know what a sensitive soul she is.

She is my shining star (she couldn’t have had a more suitable name) and I couldn’t be more proud of her. I love her to the moon and back. And can’t wait to spend the next 10 days with her and the rest of my family and friends. Love you Αρφούι!

If there are people like her in the world, terrorism and racism and all these social diseases, cannot prevail, they just can’t!

My next post will be after the Snowdonia Climb a group of colleagues and I are doing for a wonderful cause telling you all about it! (for more details and if you want to donate/share this is our gofundme page: https://www.gofundme.com/Snowdonia-Superstars-for-Tempo-Wellbeing)

Love you all x

 

Happy birthday my little duckling! 

20 years ago, when I was about 11, my parents asked me if I wanted to get another dog as we gave away our little Steve because he was too naughty, or another little brother or sister instead. I wanted both but I was only allowed to choose one so I went for another sibling. To this day, my parents still claim that having my little sister was my decision!

I still remember the day my mum peed on that stick and found out she was pregnant. We were screaming and laughing excited for the new addition in our little family.

A year later, 19 years ago, on this day, 17th of February 1998, on a sunny Tuesday morning, my sister and I woke up but our parents were not home. My cousin who studied to become a teacher at the time was there instead and told us that our mum went into labour! So after a brief stop at my cousin, her brother’s high school to give him his spare pair of glasses, we arrived at the clinic. I still remember that rare feeling of sheer happiness, waiting impatiently for our little baby to arrive.

My mum never had contractions naturally so she walked and down the corridor with an IV in hand, waiting for the little sister to decide to make an appearance!

My cousin who was to be the little sis godmother, who is also my godson’s mum wanted to stay for the birth but she had a lecture and the doctor, Dr Papapetrou reassured her that the baby wasn’t gonna come any time soon. And my beloved aunt Anna, my cousin’s mum, mum’s sister who was there when my sister and I were born was there once again with my mum, to hold her hand and welcome the little sis.

Little did the doctor know! 10-15 minutes later, at 9:20am, little Anna arrived in this world! She was a tiny little thing, with bright red cheeks and rich dark hair. I remember watching the nurse through the glass changing her nappy, I couldn’t believe that was my little sister.

For the first month or so I was scared to hold her. I used to bathe her in the washing clothes basket because she was so small and I was terrified I might drop her.

Over the years I changed her nappies, I sang her to sleep, I was her babysitter, entertainer, her first teacher, her first friend. I was lucky to be old enough to remember her first laughter, her christening, her first words, her first walk, her first day at school…

She was the youngest of the whole family and we all loved to spoil her. And she was very spoilt! But she was raised with love, values and respect and I’m so proud she grew to be an amazing young woman, although in my eyes she is still a baby.

And amazing she is. She excelled at school, she learned to play the violin, the flute and the piano (oh my she used to play for hours, without anyone asking her to and we used to beg her to stop, but nothing could stop her!) she learned to sing, she won awards in Maths and writing competitions, she got involved in a lot of conferences and  events, and she got a place at uni, now on her first year studying what she always wanted, Maths. And recently got a slot at the uni radio station to present her own music show.

I’ve been away for years and that meant I missed a lot of these amazing moments, but I was there for her graduation last summer. It was very emotional and wonderful watching my little duckling walk down the same steps of the same high school my cousins my other sister and I went to, get her certificate with honours and sing in front of all the proud parents, family and teachers who were there that night.

She made and is making us all proud not only because of all her achievements but because she grew to be a loving, respectful and caring person. She still has to learn a lot in life but I knew nothing about life when I was 19 either, I still don’t know much, and I can’t wait to see what she will come up with next!

Yeah, she can sometimes be annoying as she got the stubbornness we all inherited in the family but I’m really proud (I might have mentioned that too many times already) of my little sister.

I’m proud of both of my sisters (blog about my other awesome sister coming soon) and  feel amazingly blessed and lucky to be their eldest sister.

They are the best gifts my incredible parents gave me.

Happy birthday! Χρόνια πολλά μικρή μου. Love you to the moon and back.

Happy New Year !!!

Happy New Year everyone! I don’t have high expectations for 2017 but whatever happens, don’t allow anyone (a lot of as****** out there I know) or anything knock your confidence and self-belief. I hope 2017 is full of love and laughter, no matter what life throws at us.

I’m supposed to be packing as I’m moving at the weekend but it’s too cold and I’m too tired, first day back at work was exhausting, so I’ve written this instead 🙂

I don’t do New Year resolutions because I’ve tried it before and I find it pointless so I’ll try to tick off things on my bucket list instead. Much more fun! And one of the things I want to do is write/blog more often and I’ll try to post more regularly, I forgot how insightful and therapeutic it can be.

Christmas is over and it’s been amazing. After 8 years I surprised my family and had the most amazing week with my parents, sisters and dog, watching Christmas movies, snuggled up on the sofa with popcorn and chocolate.

I caught up with friends and family and spent Christmas day with my aunt and cousins like when we were kids.

And so happy to be there for my godson’s first Christmas!

AND I got to spent New Year’s eve in Edinburgh sending off 2016 whilst watching Paolo Nutini live (that’s ticked off the bucket list!) with my favourite!

New year is perfect for clean sheet/new beginnings/ new year new you, but one of the most important lessons I learnt is that you can change your life whenever you want to and life can change you when you least expect it, so if you want a new start do it now, your new life can start on the 3rd of January instead 🙂

So back to now. And now what? No idea! I’m moving in a couple of days. I don’t know where and a lot of you are asking and are worried, especially my family but don’t! Everything will work out fine. Absolutely no point in panicking and worrying. I’ll let you all know when I know.

My next post will be about my little sister, my little star, my little duckling, as I promised to her a while ago and then (OK she might not like it but) one for my second sister, our hero!

Here is a little preview of my little star, Anna x

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For now, I hope January blues are not too painful for any of us.

Love you all x

PS. I’ve just watched 24 hours in A&E and every time I do, I’m reminded how lucky I am I’m healthy and loved and a HUGE thank you to all doctors and nurses for working so hard to keep all of us safe and alive.

 

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, let’s hope it’s a good one without any tears (well maybe some tears, mostly happy ones)

This is it! 2016 it’s almost over. And what a year it has been… The next few weeks will be very busy so this is the only chance I get to post before 2017 is upon us and I really wanted to so here it goes…

Many many lessons learned in 2016 that won’t fit in one post but if I have to choose the most important ones then they’ll have to be:

Trust yourself and be yourself. Self-confidence and believing in yourself is hard in this cruel world but it’s only one you and that’s what makes sou special, so trust your instincts and not be afraid to be you.

There are a lot of mean people out there, more than I thought (and fortunately a lot of nice and kindhearted, wonderful human beings), so you can’t be nice all the time and to everyone. I never really make any new year resolutions but I decided that this year I won’t let anyone spoil it for me anymore. Kick ass if I have to!

If something is too good to be true, then it probably is not.

And finally do whatever makes you happy! You see life is never easy, well not for all of us anyway, it’s hard as it is so don’t compromise, do whatever makes your heart beat faster.

All in all it’s been a fun year, full of laughter and I’m really happy I made new friends, became a godmother, tried new things, including starting this blog which helped me immensely with my confidence, getting over situations and making sense of life, done some silly things too but it has been rough at times. And I reached my breaking point more than once.

Apologies to my friends I haven’t seen for a while, it’s been tough couple of months but I promise I’ll make it up.

It’s been tough for a lot of us across the world with terrorist attacks, homophobic attacks, Brexit, Donald Trump elected as the US president, the crisis in Syria and many many more…

For me…

2016 found me starting my life from scratch, this time on my own, heartbroken, confidence at its lowest, in grief…

After 30 years I had to learn to live on my own and depend solely on myself. I never liked asking for help even from my other half or my family so it was a hell of a journey.

But I’m very proud of how far I come. I made mistakes, I took risks when I shouldn’t but I learned to trust and believe in myself and I know now that whatever happens, I can face it, however hard it might get.

And now it’s finally time for a little break, I’m going to have the most amazing Christmas and NYE and then new adventures await. I literally have no idea where I’ll be in a month’s time, but I hope everything will work out in the end. And if not, oh well I guess I’ll learn something new.

I never had much money and neither did my family. They still live in an old building which might collapse at any time.

But we learned to fight and do our best to provide for each other. We always cared more about each other than ourselves. We learned to live with little and appreciate the little things, we learned that it’s not important to get what you want, because it might not be possible, but we learned to always try our best with what we’ve got. We learned to love unconditionally.

We never needed the fanciest cars, the most expensive gifts or the newest phones to be happy.

We are the happiest when we are together having a laugh even at hard times, caring about each other, helping others, and that’s what it really matters. It’s always been about love and being grateful for what we have and I’m so happy and proud I was raised in such an amazing family. I wouldn’t change that for all the money in the world.

One day, if I have my own family, I’ll consider myself very lucky if I’m as half as a good parent as my parents are.

I have hundreds of Christmas wishes, my letter to Santa is quite long but if I only had one wish is for all of my loved ones to be happy, healthy and safe. If you are an expat or your family lives far away, you know exactly what I mean. It’s heartbreaking not to be able to be there whenever my sister or my dad has an accident or my aunt is sick or…

And one of my lifelong dreams is to one day be able to buy a house for my family (and build my own house exactly as I imagined it, but I don’t mind if that never happens) so I don’t have to worry about them. Which is wishing for the impossible but a girl can dream.

I never cared about having the most expensive clothes, bags or make-up. If you know me you probably know that. I’m not the prettiest or the fanciest dresser but I spend most of my money on bills (living on my own costs A LOT and sacrificing this won’t be easy), trips, gigs, experiences, spending time with friends, getting gifts for friends and family. And I wouldn’t change that for anything.

I sometimes worry about the future, it’s only natural but as long as I’m happy and do my best, I leave the rest to the universe.

I’ll leave you with this, which couldn’t be more true.

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Merry Christmas to all of you and your families.

I hope all your Christmas wishes come true!

I know one of mine will  🙂

And I hope 2017 is much better for all of us. Amen.

Love you all! x

A year without her…you are always in our hearts… Αιωνια σου η μνημη θεια μου καλη μου.

A year ago, on this day, 17th of October, 2015 my beloved aunt Anna died.

On Saturday morning, 17/10/15, having quit a job I hated the day before, I was on a plane to Cyprus knowing I was going there to say goodbye to my wonderful aunt Anna who went through hell for a year battling stage 4 cancer… but I was 10 minutes late…she died before I got there. I won’t go into detail again because it was not just one of but the hardest, most heartbreaking and life-changing moment of my life. And it still gets me…

But if you want to know more about this amazing soul, what happened that day, the funeral 2 days later (19th of October, 2015 a difficult, sad but humbling and beautiful, sunny day none of us will ever forget) and what happened after that I’ve posted a series of blogs a while ago… (https://whatilearnedbeforeiturn30.wordpress.com/2016/02/26/4-months-ago-part-2-dedicated-to-my-aunt-anna/)

It’s worth posting again the school essay my little nephew, her grandson wrote about her a couple of months after her death..

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For those who lost someone close to them who they loved dearly… this might sound familiar. I’ve lost other relatives before, but my aunt was the first person to lose that I was so close to…

The pain never really goes away. It gets easier to control as the time passes by, as we get on living our lives but it’s always there and sometimes hurts as much as it did on that day… I could only describe it as a healing wound that gets scratched every now and then and hurts again. It gets easier to live with but it’s always there.

And today it hurts as much as that day. I can’t even imagine how it feels for my cousin. If it was my mum I wouldn’t be able to cope with it that well. She is a real heroine. Γεωργία μου είσαι ηρωίδα μάνα και η θεία βλέπει σε που ψηλά και χαίρεται!

I used to listen to a lot of songs then but one especially, before her death and afterwards… a song narrating what Stephanie Rainey went through when she lost her nephew… The video is worth watching, it shows people who lost a loved one, holding up a placard, sharing how they felt, what they thought their loved ones would tell them if they were alive and what they would tell them if they could… https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eLJ6r8mBPJc

I can’t believe it’s already been a year. So much has happened in a  year… And although I went through a rough patch, I wouldn’t change anything.

I’ve had an amazing year and it all comes down to that day…

Although I knew, we all do, that life is short and can change in an instant, her death and knowing that such a loving, caring person spent most of her life only thinking of others until her very last breath, sacrificing her own happiness for others and rarely did what she really wanted, and suddenly diagnosed, suffered and died of cancer within a year, completely changed my mindset.

It’s been hard to accept she is really gone and for months I couldn’t handle my emotions, the pain was too much to deal with and with everything else happening in my life at the time, I felt lost and doubted my self, I overreacted, I went through all the grief stages over and over, but because of her I think I came out of it a better person…

Because of her I try new things even when I’m terrified…

Because of her I don’t stay upset or sad for too long…

And because of her I only do what I want and I don’t even try to pretend I enjoy things  I don’t…

And because of her, I learned to appreciate and make little things count. I was told recently ‘It doesn’t take much to make you laugh’. No, it really doesn’t. I make the most of every little thing and I laugh at silly things like ‘Limkokwing’ and get excited about a bacon roll or chocolate popping candy enhanced orange (magic!) because that’s what life is about. Enjoy the little things, appreciate these little beautiful moments.

Unless you are incredibly rich (although I don’t think rich people are happy all the time, it’s not all about money) you, as most of us, spend most of your time at work, with friends and family, and those moments are precious, this is our life and it’s more fun when you are having a good laugh!

I’m not stupid or naive or immature. If I don’t laugh, I’ll cry… not because I’m crazy but because thinking about my responsibilities, problems, things that need fixing, people I miss, things I want to do but I can’t right now, bad experiences I’ve been through, all the horrible things happening in the world and a million other things, it upsets me, it makes me sad. We all have coping mechanisms and mine is laughing it off.

I want to thank Sheba, I love you babe, I REALLY REALLY hope you get to fulfil your dreams very soon. Thank you for being there for me all this time through thick and thin… You’ve been there for me when I quit my job, broke up, lost my aunt, job-hunting, crying over people and things that were not worth it… And thank you for the incredibly amazing time we had and are having! #ninjasintraining.

To my family, I love you all and can’t wait to see you soon… Sending you hugs and all my love, especially today…

A big thank you to my SSU family, who they offered me a job, stability and security when I needed it the most, when everything else in my life was falling apart.

For everyone going through cancer treatment… A big big big hug… I know everyone copes with it differently, but seeing what my aunt went through, chemo, radiotherapy, immunotherapy, liver failure, depression, horrendous physical and emotional pain… however you are dealing it, you are a hero!

And finally a message for my aunt:

I’m so so sorry I was away for most of the time you were going through all the horrendous treatment and pain… and I’m sorry I was 10 minutes late… Had I known, I would have ran out of the plane, leave all my stuff behind and come straight to the hospital…

What I wouldn’t give to be able  to talk to you one last time… I’m sorry you didn’t get to meet your grandson, my godson! He is the sweetest, cleverest little boy, our little prince. We all love you and miss you a lot… especially on family gatherings…

I’ll never forget your unconditional love and kindness, how much you loved your farm, land and animals, your beautiful words, your incredible cooking, the big birthday parties and celebrations on your terrace underneath your vine rooftop, and your beautiful smile even when you were in pain…

Thank you for changing my life, without knowing… You will always have a home inside my soul….

Θεία μου συγνώμη που δεν ημούν εκεί όταν έκαμες τις θεραπείες και συγνώμη που άργησα 10 λεπτά. Μακάρι να μπορούσα να σε δω και να σου μιλήσω μια τελευταία φορά. Λυπάμαι που δεν γνώρισες τον εγγονό σου τον Στέφανο μας, το μικρό μας πρίγκηπα.

Θα θυμάμαι πάντα την αγάπη σου για τη γη, τα ζώα, τα υπέροχα φαγητά σου και τα τραπέζια στην αυλή σου κάτω που το αμπέλι σου, την απέραντη αγάπη σου για όλους μας, τη καλοσύνη, την ταπεινότητα, την αγνή ψυχή σου και το χαμόγελο σου ακόμα κι οταν πονούσες.

Σε ευχαριστώ που τα βάθη της ψυχής μου που μου άλλαξες τη ζωή χωρίς να το ξέρεις. Θα σ’αγαπούμε για πάντα.

Αιωνία σου η μνήμη θεία μου.

 

Last few days of my 20s….

The last couple of days I’m in my 20s..

The last few days I’ve been thinking a lot about turning 30. Some of you might have went through a similar phase. I was talking to a friend today who just turned 30 and he felt the same as I did. Yeah, I know. I don’t look or feel old and I am blessed to have the freedom to do whatever I want because I have no responsibilities or ties anywhere. I don’t feel bad, but I guess I feel a bit nostalgic and the fact I am turning 30, I can’t help but think about my life so far.

Thinking about the last 10 years, oh my. There have been so many amazing moments! Happy and sad, accidents, births, deaths, celebrations,weddings, funerals, parties, relationships, friendships, surprises, lots of surprises… a good mixture of everything!

My uni years were probably the best years of my life so far…

I might not have spent too much time reading books, watching movies or studying (at least I graduated with good grades!) but God we had fun and we did some crazy things! Laughed and cried so much and made friends for life!!

Then I don’t know what happened. My plan was to stay in the UK after I finish my masters and become a successful psychologist (although I had no idea in what field). Plans hey? That’s why I don’t make any long term plans… they never go as you think they’d do.

But then I met my ex boyfriend. I guess love makes you take decisions you wouldn’t normally take… and do things you wouldn’t normally do… I fell in love so hard that all I wanted was to be with him whatever it took. So I spent the last 7 years trying but didn’t really know what I was trying for.  We had amazing time together and I’ll always cherish our relationship and all the nice moments we had and take the lessons I learned from all the bad moments…

But I got lost, he got lost, we both got lost… we lost ourselves and forgot what it really mattered in life… to just be ourselves and enjoy every moment. I don’t know if our paths will ever meet again, but I really hope he is well and happy.

I always found it weird how you can become complete strangers with people you were so close, friends or lovers, from one day to the other …  but with other people no matter what happens, however long you haven’t talked or wherever in the world they are, you are always close and every time you talk or see each other, nothing feels different. I guess that’s true love. It never goes away, does it?

I’ve already talked about my past, I won’t share any more, but two things  I learned over and over and over again:

1. You never know what life will throw at you and you can’t prepare yourself. You learn as you go along… And I’ve learned and grown and I’m finally at a place I’m happy with my life.

2.Life is really too short! Most of us hope that will live until we are 90 and die happy in our sleep, but that’s not what life has in store for all of us. Only a week ago a cyclist lost his life just outside work.  He was ran over by a lorry. And it got me, it really did. Not only because I felt deeply sad this person lost his life and I couldn’t even imagine how his family and the lorry driver were coping, but also because I realised once again how short and fragile life is. Now every time I pass by or happen to look on that very spot, I always remind myself how short life is and that nothing is worth dwelling on.

My life changed dramatically so many times, especially the last year and it’s still changing as we speak. This month has been crazy so far! I honestly don’t know what to expect any more. Even if I meet an alien I won’t be surprised!

A year ago, even 6 months ago, although I knew my relationship was about to end, I thought what I really wanted to do for my 30th was to spend it in New York with the love of my life (yeah, yeah hopeless romantic). I always wanted to go, it was on the top of the list of the hundreds of places I want to see before I die and I wanted to go with my man.

But not any more. I still want to go and I will one day. It might be with the love of my life, or my best friends, or old friends, or new friends, or  on my own  or I might even get a job there, who knows! But right now it’s not a priority.

My wise friend reminded me yesterday that we will always have responsibilities and there is no point waiting for the right time to do what you really want to do. ‘Cause there is no better time than now! And she is absolutely right! Whatever you want to do, just do it. If you don’t like how your life it is right now, then change it!

For me, it’s not about materialistic things and achieving long term goals, it’s always been about people and experiences. And that’s why my cover photo is not of places I’ve been or things I bought, but it’s all about people and love and having fun… so now the emotional part (yes, I teared up whilst writing this, I am so lucky to have amazing people in my life!).

I am grateful for all the experiences, good and bad, happy and painful, of the last 10 years. I enjoyed my 20s and I have no regrets… I want to say thank you to all my friends and family for everything you have done for me, for loving me for who I am and being there for me no matter what, even when I was a right mess! I love you all to the moon and back and those of you I don’t see often, you know I love you and you are always in my heart… apologies for non-Greek speakers for the next paragraph…

Σας αγαπώ όλους πάρα πολυ, φίλους, οικογένεια, τους γονείς μου, το αρφούι μου, το παπάκι μου, θείους, θείες, ξαδέρφια. Σας ευχαριστώ απο τα βάθη της ψυχής μου για όλες τις υπέροχες στιγμές και αναμνήσεις αλλά και τα δύσκολα που περάσαμε μαζί. Ευχαριστώ που ήσασταν και είστε πάντα δίπλα μου. ( Και ναι αρφουι, εκλαμουριστηκα!)

I don’t feel old… and I wouldn’t like to go back in time. I like the person I’ve become and the life I built so far. I feel a bit sad my 20s are over but I am excited about the new era coming… It’s a fresh start in all aspects of my life. Workwise, personal life, emotionally, spiritually and I can’t wait to find out what the future brings!

I’ll get to spend my 30th birthday with two special peeps wandering around and having fun, getting into all sorts of adventures, my favourite thing to do !!! Next time I’ll post I’ll be officially a 30 year old! Eeek!

Love you all! x

 

4 months ago… part 3… the funeral and the week after

18th of October, 2015… Sunday…

It was a miserable day for the whole family. I felt numb. I couldn’t comprehend what happened the night before. I kept my emotions in for so long, I was about to burst, but I held them in. I knew I had to be strong for the rest of the family.

We all spent the whole day at home, making arrangements for the funeral which was the next day. We didn’t talk much, we barely ate, we barely slept.

19th of October 2015, Monday

On Monday morning my cousin called me. She wanted me to read a few words she wrote at the funeral, a eulogy for her mum. We talked about it months ago and I agreed to do it because she knew she wouldn’t be able to do it herself. Living away helped me be calmer and more composed and I had to remain calm and composed once more.

She sent me the text (it’s in Greek but if anyone wants a translation, I’d be happy to do it ΕΠΙΚΗΔΕΙΟΣ (2)) and I’ve read it aloud a couple of times, to prepare myself. I managed to hold my tears during most of it but I always broke down towards the end of it. I knew I had to try my best at the funeral.

It was a warm, sunny day although it was the middle of October. We went to church at 3pm.

She arrived… she looked like an angel heavily asleep, so beautiful and peaceful. I broke down a couple of times. But every time I did, I managed to recover fast, I had to. I needed to make it through the day…

The church was full of people who loved her… Everyone she knew came to pay their respect to this beautiful person. It was very moving to see all of these people there.  It was an emotional ceremony run by 12 priests…

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The worst part was kissing her goodbye. It was a tragic moment for all of us but especially for my grandpa, her dad…

And then it was time for me to read the Eulogy. I stood in front of everyone, next to the coffin. My voice trembled, my mouth was dry. For the first time in my life my legs went numb and I felt I would faint at any minute. But I kept looking at her picture throughout the ceremony and in my head I imagined her saying to me ‘You can do it, do it for me, I know you can’.

And I did. I managed to read all of it until the end. I broke down briefly when I caught with the corner of my eye her son breaking down. But I kept going. And I made it. When I was done I ran into my cousin’s arms and let my tears out. It was one of the most difficult things I’ve done in my life… and I’m proud of myself that I managed to do it.

After that, the cemetery. What bizarre places cemeteries are. Haunting but peaceful…

There was a lot of crying and sobbing and shouting… And after that we all gathered at my grandpa’s house (I am not even going to talk about how my grandpa was on that day, I can’t even imagine how it feels to lose your child). And we all shared lovely stories, kids were running around, we caught up with relatives who hadn’t seen for years and we all had a laugh, celebrating her life.

LESSON 9 That moment I realised once again that life goes on no matter what.

Deep inside I knew all this left a big scar and I needed time to heal. I feel I still haven’t had the time to do that (more on that later). Kubler Ross five stages of grief  (they apply to different situations, not just death but also breakups, divorces etc) keep popping into my head since then. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance… I am not sure on which stage I am, but I have not reached acceptance yet…

My family and I spent most of the rest of the week at home. Everyone started going back to work, trying to move on the best they could. And things between me and my ex whilst I was away were deteriorating so I knew it was time for me to pick up my pieces, go back home and sort my life out.

Rest in Peace my lovely aunt Anna… you’ll always be in my heart…

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4 months ago…part 2… dedicated to my aunt Anna…

 

LESSON 6 and the most important one: ENJOY EVERY MOMENT, YOU NEVER KNOW IF IT WILL BE YOUR LAST ONE. IF YOU DIE TOMORROW, AT LEAST YOU’LL DIE HAPPY!

17th of October, 2015… A day I will never forget…

My ex drove me to the airport on that Saturday morning. We were both lost in our own thoughts and worries… It was one of the longest drives ever but I tried to follow my own advice… take a day at a time and focus on the present (which is easier said than done, I know).

Throughout the 4.5 hour flight I tried to mentally prepare myself of what was I about to face. The plan was to drive straight from the airport to the hospital at 9pm as my beloved aunt’s life was hanging by a thread…She smiled when they told her I was going…I really wanted to see her before she died…

My cousin warned me that what I was going to see wasn’t pretty, my aunt wasn’t breathing on her own, she couldn’t talk, only blink and sigh, her body started to melt, she was full of jaundice…  But for me she was still my aunt and I wanted to see her and tell her that I’m there and that I love her…

I kept thinking how difficult life she had. Back in 1974, during the Turkish invasion in Cyprus she was captured by the Turks, when she was only 15 years old, and luckily a kind-hearted officer dressed her up as an old lady so she doesn’t get raped and helped her escape.

She was intelligent, loved reading, she was one the best students in her class and she got a place at a Greek university to study French. But just before she was about to go, she met the man she loved until her last breath, (even after all that he’s done to her) and decided to get married and have a family instead.

After her husband abandoned her, she was left on her own, with no money, no food. At some point a snake sneaked in the house and no one could do anything about it, she spent sleepless nights worrying..

She suffered a lot, I won’t get into more details but she didn’t feel true happiness for years…

She was a loving person who adored everyone and always wanted to make everyone else happy…putting her self last.

LESSON 7- Love yourself and do whatever makes you happy. It’s not selfish to think about yourself first, it’s essential.

And after all she’s been through, she was diagnosed with terminal cancer. And she suffered immense pain for a whole year. But through all of this she never complained and until the end she only thought about others. She didn’t deserve this horrible end. No one does. CANCER SUCKS!

She  loved to cook and take care of everyone. She made the best pastitsio and keftedes!

She always  started the beautiful text messages she used to sent to me with ‘To my beloved Eleni… ‘ and ended with ‘Love, your aunt Anna’…

Back to that night.. we drove straight to the hospital…My heart was pounding so loudly I could actually hear it…

I walked into the room… I couldn’t believe that person was my aunt, she looked like someone else, what was left of her after cancer and chemotherapies, hormone therapies, radiotherapies, liver failure, kidney failure… I don’t want and can’t describe in great detail what I’ve seen, I will only say she looked like a person dying… that image and that smell will always be in my memory. My voice was trembling, my mouth was dry… I managed to say ‘Hi, I’m here’ …

My cousin (who was pregnant at the time) started shouting ‘ She is not breathing, she is not breathing’. My aunt’s ex-husband and daughter in law were next door waiting for the nurses to finish changing her clothes and bedsheets.. they didn’t know …

She died just 10 minutes before we got there… She died on her own.

LESSON 8- Tell the people you love and care about how you feel about them often, you never know when it’s the last time you see them.

I feel in my heart that’s what she wanted… she didn’t want to die in front of her loved ones, she knew it would be more difficult for them to get over it… so she waited and died whilst the nurses were changing her clothes… The doctor had to run to an emergency call and she didn’t have time to inform the relatives before we arrived… We were the first who saw her dead.

I couldn’t believe she was gone, I couldn’t believe I was 10 minutes late… I kissed her on the forehead and mumbled ‘rest in peace’ I tried hard to hold my tears and comfort my cousin…I kept staring at her… she was finally free from the pain but no longer with us… We sat around for hours until her son arrived (who I hadn’t seen for years), we didn’t want to tell him on the phone that she died…he had a special bond with his mum and he struggled to handle all of this…

That was the worst night of my life… followed by the worst week of my life…  Since then with everything else that happened later on(posts to follow) I haven’t been myself..I still sometimes struggle to believe she is gone and I will never see her again…

continues at part 3…

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