Tag: lifestyle

Today I feel…

I came across a post yesterday on ‘Things that help with anxiety’ (or depression). I can’t remember exactly what it said -and I spent hours looking for it to no avail- other than one of the suggestions:

‘Every day write down how you feel…’

I suddenly had a light bulb moment. That’s what I need to do. I don’t really feel like writing or doing anything for that matter but maybe it will help, since my usual coping techniques haven’t been as effective lately.

I haven’t been feeling that well the last few days. Tired, drained, sad, numb, but also angry, easily irritated (I never felt so angry about the shitty weather, people being loud and other trivial, little things), anxious. A wonderfully disastrous cocktail of emotions. Hormones may have played a part (that week of the month, yes I’m talking about my period) but there’s more to that.

I didn’t do much at the weekend. I was so tired and drained I felt I couldn’t leave the house. And I didn’t. I felt horrible I didn’t go to see Kathy but I had no energy, I wouldn’t have been able to take her out for a walk.

I spent most of my time doing laundry (lots of laundry), watching TV, reading, a bit of singing on my guitar, some yoga. I felt better but my brain still worked overtime. I felt paralysed, as if the sofa and I were firmly bolted together, (though I managed to clean and make dinner) and at the same time the guilt of not doing much and obsessing on meaningless things for hours e.g. who was the actress in that film?Who DID we fight at World War I? was unbearable.

I put the first episode of After Life, Ricky Gervais’s new Netflix series on, about a man whose wife dies and he is in so much pain he decides to punish the world, and I was hooked instantly.

It was funny, sad, depressing, raw, unfiltered, saying out loud some of the horrible thoughts we all sometimes have but not dare say (I’ve read on the Guardian that some may be put off by the first episode because of Tony’s, the main character, apparent rudeness but I thought quite the opposite, that’s what makes it relatable, that’s what happens when you are in pain, it’s not nice but it happens) , and so very real. Anyone who has lost someone or who’s been depressed would relate. Also, great soundtrack.

I won’t reveal any spoilers but one of the messages coming out of the show was something I often torture my brain with. What is the point of living? Why do we try? Why live if we can’t think of a reason to stay alive?

Happiness is amazing. It’s so amazing it doesn’t matter if it’s yours or not. There’s that lovely thing: “A society grows great when old men plant trees the shade of which they know they will never sit in”. Good people do things for other people. That’s it. The end. Anne told Tony. Maybe that’s all there is. Live to make this world a better place. Do it for others if you can’t do it for yourself. Maybe.

It’s only 6 episodes and it’s meant to be a comedy, so it doesn’t go too deep but it’s definitely worth a watch.

https://www.netflix.com/title/80998491

Whilst talking to the little sis earlier today, I realised I go through a similar phase around this time of the year. A bout of sadness and numbness I can’t easily get out of, even with my best remedies in place. I normally go back to Cyprus for a week to restart, soak in the sunshine and the warmth, sit by the sea watching the waves…

… but this year it’s different. Ι don’t know when I’m going home yet but the little sister is visiting in three days. I can’t wait though I’m sad the other sis can’t join us. We planned an awesome week and it’s exactly what I need right now.

So how do I feel today? I feel better, though still sad, tired and incredibly anxious. I wish I was in the warmth and the sunshine by the sea but I’m also excited for the week ahead, dinner with friends, the little sister’s arrival, Linda’s leaving lunch, New Forest, London, Wicked, Brussels, Bruges. It’s gonna be a great one!

There won’t be a post this week but I’ll be back in a couple of weeks recharged and refreshed with plenty of stories and pictures.

Happy Monday and happy Green Monday to everyone celebrating Green Monday. Some of my most precious memories are sitting at the back of my uncle’s truck with my cousins, spending the day in the field trying to fly a kite, loving the strictly ‘lenten’ food, no meat or dairy but starving by the afternoon and my mum caving and let us eat whatever we fancied.

Anyway, time to finish work, go home and prepare for making more great memories later on this week.

PS if you are not at your best, try writing down how you feel. It works wonders.

Namaste

Eleni

When life gives you aubergines…

Saturday morning

I’m getting ready to go see Kathy, my 91 year old friend and thinking of what to cook for dinner when I’m back. I only have a few things in the fridge: feta, green beans, some mushrooms, a courgette and an aubergine.

What a wonderful, random selection. I thought I’d make a tomato-y casserole with the mushrooms, the green beans and the courgette and that one aubergine can turn into my favourite Greek dip, melitzanosalata (aubergine dip), which I haven’t had for years.

Ever since I came up with a.. pla about a month ago, making decisions somehow became easier. Now I’m not going to tease for much longer, as it seems Plan A might actually happen, which I truly cannot believe, so in a few weeks time I’ll tell you all about it. A few of you already know what I’m thinking of doing but I don’t want to make any big announcements before everything is as final as it can be.

Back to Saturday morning. I popped to the shop to get Kathy fruit cake, her favourite as she excitedly revealed to me a week ago, and got some garlic and a lemon for my melitzanosalata.

A few hours later I was in my kitchen cooking. I only cook for longer than half an hour when I feel inspired and creative and the great news I received the day before did the trick.

Why a simple aubergine dip is such a big deal for you? One may wonder.

It’s not about the dish, is what the dish represents. See my life right now is like the content of my fridge, a beautiful but random selection and I need to put everything together but also choose one to focus on and make something beautiful and different out of it so I can get out of my current situation and completely change the way I live.

So, when life gives you aubergines, make melitzanosalata! I’d soon be telling you what my melitzanosalata stands for but for now I’ll enjoy on the real one I made yesterday.

Eleni

I have a pla…

I’ve taken hundreds of pictures, maybe thousands. There’s so much beauty in every and not so everyday moments, the best way to remember that is capture these little nuggets of life into a photograph.

I’ve been going through my enormous collection lately as I feel I should share them with the rest of the world and I pick a couple a week to post on my social media.

Last Sunday I came across this and all the excitement I felt when I took it came rushing back. I could somehow relive the exact moment. The magic of photography.

And I thought to myself ‘What the hell am I still doing here?’ I can wait a few years, save some money first but I’m tired of waiting and something has to change.

I struggle with plans, they scare me. Life is so weirdly, wonderfully unpredictable I don’t like making long term plans but now I need one. I need to lift this fog that’s been around me for months now. The cover photo couldn’t be more poignant.

And I think I have one. Maybe not a plan. I’m terrified to call it that. I have my magic beans and I have a pla, almost a plan.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UyILENqGHNQ

I have my magic beans, wonderful, loving, supportive friends and family in Cyprus and the UK and I have a few things I’m working on to get me out of a 9 to 5 job and get some time to travel a bit and do all the creative ideas I’ve come up with over the years but never had the time or energy.

I can’t say more now until things are a bit more final but I’m posting this just to remind you all, like I’ve reminded myself to not forget to dream and take risks, do things that scare you, do things that make your heart beat fast and never apologise for it. Oh and it’s never too late. Most people my age want to settle down and have a family, and if that’s what makes them happy, that’s what they should, but I feel I have so much more in me before I settle down, it’s not for me, not for now. I have been and still am judged because of that, but honestly, I just ignore the ‘friendly advice’.

I’m terrified and excited in equal measure, my anxiety is reaching dangerous highs again but that’s the best I felt for months. So here’s to change and happiness and dreams.

Namaste

Eleni

Be brave my child, be brave

Wednesday morning…

I’m walking to work. It’s not that cold today so I can feel the extra layers of clothes weighing me down.

What if my mum gets dementia? What if she can’t remember me?? I teared up just thinking about it.

I watched a video yesterday with a woman talking to her mum in sign language in her car asking her if she recognises her. They have a minute long conversation and towards the end the mum asks the daughter:

Did I give birth to you?

She nods and they hug.

What if I die? My gums are still sore, what if it’s something serious and I end up dying here, now, away from my nearest and dearest? Every time anything hurts and doesn’t go away fast (and it doesn’t the older you get), BOOM, my mind is almost immediately imagining the worst possible scenario and anxiety levels reach new highs.

Am I a failure for considering moving back home for a while? Am I being ungrateful for wanting a change? Why am I not happy with my life as it is? Am I even good for anything else? I manage depression well nowadays unlike anxiety, but every now and then it finds a way, of course it does.

What is the point of living anyway if we’ll all die in the end? Julie’s death shocked me. A perfectly healthy early 50s year old who’s completed over 100 parkruns and had ran 10k a day before she suddenly collapsed and never woke up.

Now tears are streaming down my face and I’m almost at work.

Pull yourself together woman!  At the end of the day, any decision will be scary. It’s never going to be a good time. So just be brave. And do what you feel is the best for you. You can’t do everything, you can’t live 100 different lives, so just do something, anything. I tell myself and walk in.

All this during a 15 minute walk, intermittent with actually listening to the music in my headphones before the next intrusive thought.

Oh no, don’t cry, it’s in your heart
So dry those eyes, keep holding on for your dear life
Be a soldier of hope!

I once took a picture that somehow sums up how I feel when I’m IN the upside down. It’s as if I’m trying to cycle through the park, in a misty morning, I can’t see much, all I can see is the post in front of me I’m terrified I’d hit, but the reality is, 5 minutes later? I’m out, the mist is lifted, I didn’t hit the post and I can now see the gorgeous lake.

This is only an example of an episode and it can happen multiple times a day.

I know this is just not me, I know you go through the same motions. We all do. So let’s talk about it.

Let it all out. I’m not weird, you are not weird. We are humans and that’s how our brains work and the more we talk about it, the more we can help each other and get rid of the stigma around it once and for all.

Since I started talking about it, I realised that I’m not crazy or the only one going through this, we are all in this together. It feels better almost instantly when you share.

One thing that helps me remind myself when I go through an episode is what Matt Haig beautifully put together in a few sentences.

Image may contain: text that says "You are okay You may feel like shit. Your mind might be beating yourself up You may think you aren' t going to make it. But just think of a time you felt bad before. And think of something good that happened in the interim. Some good shit will happen. Just wait."

I’m more confused than ever and I keep changing my mind about things every minute of every hour but one thing is for sure, I’ll never stop talking about mental health.

Eleni

24 hours in Oxford

I’ve never been to Oxford before. Well, I’ve never ‘properly’ been.

I was only there once in 2014, at the beautiful Blackwell’s bookshop to meet the talented, humble,inspirational astronaut Chris Hadfield who I followed for months on Social Media, taking and posting pictures of our beautiful planet from the International Space Station (including a snap of my gorgeous home island), doing live experiments and videos giving insights to the rest of us on how things work in space. That’s a whole other story though.

Five years later, a lot has changed since and it happened that my now best friend who grew up in Oxford moved back home and I went to see her this weekend. It’s amazing to think that she might have been at the bookshop that day, as it’s her favourite, I might have even bumped into her.

Saturday, 1:10pm. After a wonderful, peaceful train ride with a cup of tea, a book and music I made it to Oxford.

The city was buzzing with people, I forgot how busy it can get on a Saturday. First stop: Lunch.

The place Shebs had in mind was full so we discovered a little cafe on top of a bike shop that we now love, the Handle bar Cafe and Kitchen. It was busy but luckily a sweet man who waited at the bar for a table offered us his so we didn’t have to wait.

The decoration was just beautiful with bikes hanging on the wall, a very rustic, cosy vibe and the food was in-cre-di-ble.

Shebs had the coconut pancake stack with berries and I had the smashing avocado on toast. If you know me, you know that’s one of my favourite brunch/lunch meals and I often order it, so I tried it in a lot of places. The one I had at Handle Bar was by far the best. It wasn’t just a typical avo on toast with a poached egg on top. There was feta, chilli, paprika, almonds, seeds and beetroot hummus, it was on another level.

After that we wandered into the city centre and Shebs took me to the most beautiful shop I’ve ever been. I need not say anything else. Just have a look.

We of course went to Blackwell’s bookshop and browsed for a while and since it was too dark to admire the architecture and it was getting closer to the time we had to be at the theatre, we went for dinner at a great Spanish restaurant, Al-Andalus tapas bar. Another awesome meal. Every single tapas we had was bursting with flavour. We had freshly baked bread served with Catalan style tomato sauce and olives on the side and we went for four different tapas: Pincho de Tortilla (spanish omelette), Brochetas De La Huerta (grilled vegetables), Bunuelos De Bacalao (cod fritters with garlic, parsley and ali oli) and Albondigas (meatballs) and a jug of light, refreshing Sangria. We were so full we couldn’t finish all of it.

After this wonderful dinner we met Sheb’s adorable mum and we had a laugh and sang along to Sister Act- the musical at the Oxford playhouse.

We were in no rush on Sunday morning, so we enjoyed a cup of coffee at home before heading out in town.

On Sunday we mostly did sightseeing, passing by the Bridge of Sighs, Hertford college and the Bodleian Library, one of the oldest libraries in Europe. I was in awe of the architecture and the wealth of history.

Before I headed home we went for a quick lunch at one of the most beautiful cafes I’ve ever been, the Vaults and garden cafe, which used to be an old church. We both had the Goat cheese rarebit, delicious.

Sunday, 1:15pm. A day later, I hugged Shebs goodbye and I got the train back to Southampton. What an amazing day it has been. There’s so much to see and do, 24 hours are not enough, there’ll be more next time I visit.

I usually dread Mondays but today I feel blessed. Blessed I had such a wonderful day with my best friend, chatting and laughing whilst wandering in such a stunning city. Oxford is definitely worth a visit.

Eleni

The Pig-in the Wall

Are there any places in the city you live you’ve been meaning to check out but never got around to it?

I do. I still haven’t made it to the Isle of Wight (Whaaat!) and I’ve never been to the other Cypriot restaurant in Southampton, George’s, -I know, shocking-, or Ennios or the Pig In the Wall.

Last Sunday I made it to one of them. The Pig In the Wall. I’ve always wanted to visit but I lived at the other end of town and it just never happened.

I’ve seen snaps before but it looks even prettier and cosier in real life.

The fireplace was on and we were sat in a cosy corner right next to it.

I didn’t notice that this was on the Wall and took me by surprise (it took me a day to realise that was actually the Pig in the Wall). Can I just say this was not my initial reaction but my friend wanted me to re-enact my original reaction. As you can probably tell my acting skills need some work.

I wasn’t too hungry, so I went for a light option, ricotta cheese with chives, walnuts and honey on sourdough bread and it was delicious.

It took me back to my childhood when this lady in a van would come around the neighbourhood every Saturday morning selling all sorts of homemade goodies including halloumi and the least known Cypriot cheese anari, which is very similar to ricotta, a fresh mild whey cheese that depending on what you are craving, you can have it savoury or sweet. It’s very underrated but one of the best types of cheese out there.

I now love this place so much, I can’t believe I hadn’t been before. The cosy vibes, the food, the service.

If you haven’t had the chance to go before, I definitely recommend it for a relaxed Sunday brunch.

Eleni

A chat with a six year old

Would you like to do some colouring? Six and a half year old Erica asked me 10 minutes into our chat.

Of course I said. And a minute later she brought a large box of pencils, pens, crayons, borrowed some paper from the printer at the reception desk her grandma sat, and demonstrated beautifully how she could climb on the stool next to me and we started drawing.

She was ‘doing artistic’, basically just drawing circles and lines and I was drawing the sun. She lent me her favourite golden colour to colour it.

I never thought that one day I’ll be drawing and chatting about life with a six year old (‘Not six, six and a half, I’ll be seven in September!’ she corrected me) at the dentist’s office but after a major anxiety episode just before my orthodontist exam (a series of blogs on my getting braces experience coming soon, if all goes well), this little break I had whilst waiting for my x-rays was just what I needed.

She told me how she doesn’t like boys because they are silly (her grandma and I had a right laugh, telling her that they don’t really change over time) but she has two boyfriends, Alex and Finley, Finley is the one she is in love with though.

We talked about her family, how she would have a little sister in a few months, how much she likes school. A sweet, well-behaved, unbelievably clever little girl.

To think that an hour earlier I was making a list on my phone of all the things they could have gone wrong and scoring my anxiety level 9 out of 10. None of this actually happened in case you are wondering. But there’s no common sense when it comes to anxiety.

Erica reminded me how much simpler and fun life can be when you don’t worry about things and just enjoy the moment and she completely distracted me from my crazy thoughts.

I was thinking after I left how talking to children can not just benefit older people ( I LOVE Old People’s home for 4 year olds, such a brilliant idea) but it could work as a great stress relief for everyone.

Thank you Erica for reminding me to let out the child in me sometimes, you made my day.

Eleni

Thought of the Day- Growing Older

I woke up thinking of my excruciatingly painful contrasting feelings on growing old-er (I find it fascinating I often think about how I feel). I’ve been pondering for months now, but lately I often feel I’m trapped in a glass box watching my own life go by and all I want to do is shout STOP! whilst I try and make sense of it.

One minute, I love it. I care less if at all about the less important things in life and I feel comfortable in my own skin. I love myself (most of the time) and I worked hard on that. I used to hate taking a selfie only a few years ago, every time I looked at it I just stared at my imperfections, my mistakes, my failures. Now, I don’t mind. I actually love following my trip of self exploration, and I live a life that is almost completely up to me on what direction it can take (that’s a whole other story).

And for those who keep asking and asking. I don’t need a man to be happy. Your happiness doesn’t and should never depend on anyone else other than you. I will only get in a relationship again when and if I meet someone who makes me feel like it.

I feel lucky I was born and raised in the non-social media era so I find it easy to not allow them to dictate my happiness, which is tough for youngest generations I feel. Although I love Social Media, with its pros and cons, I don’t feel the need I have to be active on them every day and I go through phases I don’t check or post anything. That’s not the real world after all.

But there are a few more downfalls than just a few wrinkles that comes with getting older. I watch and/or check the news every day (a clear sign of getting older). Yes. I became that person who understands politics (only just) and how it affects the world, which is so so sad because the more I know the worse I feel.

Everything feels scarier. Taking risks suddenly feels harder. I’ve become more cynical and less trusting, and sadly I’m proven right most of the time.

And the worst feeling that comes with it. The saddest realisation of all, life is too damn short. More often people I know die. I grow older every single day and I’m running out of time. There’s so much I want to do and there’s not enough time. That’s my greatest struggle right now. Accepting the fact that I’m running out of time and I need to get out of my tiny little head and take risks. Do more of the things I enjoy, try new things and get out of this stupid comfort zone. Feel the adrenaline. Feel my heart beat loud and fast, not because of anxiety, but of pure excitement.

This is just a tiny sample of the differing strickingly feelings that come with growing old.

So, kids, aunty Eleni’s advice (with a little help from a Twitter friend): Be brave, get out, try things and don’t worry. And don’t be scared to ask for help.

Oh and here’s my 10 year challenge. A then care-free happy 22 year old girl (the picture was taken on a small, then fashionable digital camera) and a now ‘mature grown up’ woman.

Eleni

Just doing January

A glorious clear blue sky, with perfect views of the sun, the sea. Then suddenly a dark cloud appears, and another one, and a few seconds later, rain and thunderstorm.

The blue sky: my mind. The views: life, happiness, serenity. The clouds: the ‘not pleasant’ thoughts. The rain and thunderstorm: depression and anxiety.

A million of those thoughts racing in my mind. The terrifying realisation of growing older, ‘when will I do everything I want?’ What if something happens to my family?, worry how and whether I can afford a new job? braces? travelling?, worry for my current job, ‘what if I’m made redundant, or downgraded?’, worry there’s not enough time in a day to write, play my guitar, do my yoga, draw, read a book, do more volunteering, see a film, watch a play, try new things. What if I die tomorrow and I don’t get to do any of this??

My heart starts to beat faster and faster, my hands are sweating, I forget to breathe and then…

Disappointment, self-doubt, ‘maybe that’s just it, maybe I can’t do any more. Stuck in the same place for ever… ‘

And finally, the worst of it all. Numbness. Emptiness. At random, unexpected moments it feels as if I can’t shake away this, this feeling of vainness, as if my ability to feel happiness has been suddenly taken away.

January is tough for me. Christmas (which I love) is over but winter (which I don’t) is not, summer is still months away, we are all back to routine (I hate routine). It’s dark and bitterly cold which makes it harder to do things outside the house and all the reminders that another year is over are not helping.

Of course I know all this is is in my head. For me though it’s real. It’s not all the time or all together (sometimes it’s just the anxiety, or the depression) I can still have a laugh, enjoy some things but sometimes I can’t get out of this maze.

So at a time of the year that most start afresh and focus on their New Year resolutions, are doing Veganuary, Dry January, Red January, what do I do? I’m just doing January. Just things that keep my anxiety and depression from affecting my functionality. Just surviving for now.

I still have a wishlist of things I’d love to do, a bucket list (I prefer to tick off things off my bucket list rather than have resolutions) and I’m a great believer you can start something anytime of the year, for now though I just need to get through this month.

But it can’t just be me that feels that way. Actually, I know for a fact it’s not just me. I’ve spoken to friends who go through the same motions. I’ve seen posts on social media from others who are finding it hard to fight the blues.

If you, like me are struggling this January, here’s some of the things that help me, hopefully they may help you or they may help you find what works for you.

Music. Most of the day, every day. Indie, folk, rock, pop, depending on my mood. I wouldn’t survived without my Spotify playlist.

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1Nd3V0sBsGU9wQdTRaF8X9
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DoTtedPFyhc

Yoga. Whatever happens I always go back to Yoga with Adriene since I discovered it back in 2017. My favourite yoga lady. Her 30 day yoga revolution is now on, every day a new video, a new session. That half an hour, 40 minutes a day is sometimes the only time I manage to keep the invasive thoughts away.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AFrWtw7YNlA

Food. Healthy, delicious food with a few unhealthy treats a week, pizza on a Friday, lunch with friends. It’s all about balance. I loved this wholefood vegan burger from cafe Thrive yesterday.

Reading. At the moment I’m reading Matt Haig’s (whose autobiographical books on anxiety and depression are humbly and beautifully honest, amazing) Notes On A Nervous Planet. Highly recommend following him on Twitter.

Friends. The show and real friends. Watching Friends never fails to make me laugh. And time with my friends. Talking to friends and family keeps me connected to the real world, otherwise detachment may overstay its welcome.

What helps you? I’d love to know what’s worked for others so we can inspire one another.

OK, off to do my yoga and have a nice cup of tea.

Eleni

Glorious food, laughter and spontaneous singing

It was the night of the 10th of January. A mundane, ordinary day that ended with delectable food and plenty of laughter, celebrating friends’ birthdays.

I love going out with the Solent gang. You know that feeling, that you can be yourself and enjoy the evening without having to pretend? I always get it with these wonderful, fun, creative, loving people and I always look forward to our nights out.

The dining choice this time was Simon’s at Oxfords. I’ve been many a times in the past for drinks and the ever so fun Sunday jams nights, I used to love those, but never had dinner there before.

The food was just lovely. Beautifully, picture perfect presented which makes a difference for me and very flavoursome.

We went for their set menu and I opted for starter and main (cutting down on sugar is NOT easy).

Prawns is one of my favourite flavours so I had tempura prawns with a sprinkle of fresh lime served with sweet chilli sauce for a starter…

followed by roasted chicken breast served on a creamy potato mash and wild mushroom & smoked pancetta cream. De-li-cious.

The rest of the group had a mixture of starters/mains/desserts but everyone enjoyed their meal, especially Helen who claimed that was the ‘best pork’ she ever had!

The service was great and quick, and fun, especially the lady at the end who, because of our impromptu singing sang back to us when going around for everyone to pay.

We paid £24 for a two course meal which was worth it, in my opinion. My drink was a bit expensive (I paid £7 for a 175ml glass of wine) but I must admit the glass of Malbec I had was divine. I can’t believe I only discovered Malbec less than a year ago.

All in all a great experience (minus the paintings on the walls some of the people in the group did not like, Chris: ‘They are scary, they have no eyes!’ but I actually thought were quite unique!)

What a great first dinner out in 2019. Here’s to more to come!

Eleni