Category: mental health

Two years later…

Two years on this day…

I wasn’t sure whether to post today or not. I’ve been feeling emotional already the last couple of days but today was harder than normal.

But today is not about what happened that day. You can see my previous posts here. Today is about reflecting on what I learned and how I changed over the last two years.

For the last few days I’ve been contemplating about my life so far and what it’ll be better to do next. I’m craving change and I know for sure I want a new job, but should I move to another city? Another country? Another continent?

Change is scary, even when you desperately want it. I’m scared I might make the wrong choices. And I’m even more scared but also relieved it’s just me I need to think about.

I sometimes fall into this hole, comparing myself to others at my age who achieved much more, they travelled more, they’ve done more, they have a better job, more money and so on.

I loved my Uni years and I wouldn’t change those for anything, but I feel I wasted the rest of my 20s paralysed by insecurities and fears, stuck in an unhealthy relationship that left me with confidence issues. I can’t change my past, so there is no point thinking like that whatsoever, but sometimes I can’t help it.

What shook me to the core was my aunt’s death. That was my wake-up call. That reminded me how short life is and how unhappy I was with my then life.

Two years later, I sometimes I feel I haven’t achieved much (the annoying inner voice taking over) but then I take a second and think of what I have achieved so far, how I managed to finally travel more, Edinburgh, Berlin, Rome, Florence, how I now go home at least twice a year, which is essential for my mental wellbeing, how I became a godmother to my gorgeous Prince, how I learned to live on my own, the first time I almost burnt the whole place down because I forgot the pot on the hob for too long and the water evaporated, the first time I forgot to lock the doors, the first time I had to fix the car on my own, the first time I sold a car (God I miss my Indigo), the first time I had so little money left I could only afford food…, the first time I could afford a proper holiday, the first time I posted a blog, the first time I posted a video of me singing badly to Kodaline, the first time I went to the cinema on my own to watch a Louis Theroux documentary, the first time I finally opened up about my struggles and depression and many many more firsts…

My little prince
My little prince

Although I go through a confidence crisis every now and then, sometimes triggered by the smallest thing (I know is silly but that’s how the brain f***s you up, cognitive distortions), I’m very proud of how far I’ve come and if anyone thinks less of me then that’s their problem. Rejection is not easy to digest but as with everything, you learn how to cope and overcome it.

I go through my older posts from time to time and I can see how my writing and I as a person matured since I started this blog.

I’d probably be stuck in a horribly boring and miserable life if it wasn’t for my loving, selfless, brave, sweet, incredibly intelligent, kind aunt and her horrible but noble fight until the very end.

Reading her eulogy at her funeral in front of a church full of people who knew and loved her is the hardest thing I ever had to do in my entire life but also one of the most proud moments of my life so far.

One of the many gems I kept from the incredible Derren Brown’s book Happy was that a person really dies when the last person who remembers them dies too. What a sweet, beautiful notion.

We all love her and she will always live through us. Through her children, her grandchildren, her brother and sisters, her dad, my dearest pappou and all of us.

I’m overwhelmingly proud of my cousin Georgia, my aunt’s daughter, and her seven children and all of the family on how amazingly they did the last two years. We’ve been through a lot as a family but we are closer than ever. I love you all to the moon and back.

I’m always amazed by how we humans cope and bounce back from whatever life throws at us.

I’ve learned from my past and thanks to my aunt I’ve made my present and hopefully my future much better.

So here’s to the present and the future. May be better and brighter, full of laughter and incredible moments.

Rest in peace dear aunt Anna.

Eleni

 

 

 

 

Every day is World Mental Health Day

What a Monday it has been. Emergency dentist appointment, fever, at some point I couldn’t put a sentence together, Monday Blues but also lovely comments and messages for my recent post on how I cope at work.

I started composing this post last night so it could be ready first thing in the morning, but I was still in pain and confused, I still am, apologies if I go off track. I get more sensitive and emotional than usual when I’m not feeling well and the recent death of an amazing colleague from cancer and my godmother being in the hospital for the last week made Monday extremely tough to cope with, it reminded me of what happened two years ago about this time, it’s hard not to worry that it might happen again.

Mental Health is a subject close to my heart and it’ll always be. I studied Psychology, as most of you know, which helped me debunk the stigma and myths around it. But that’s not the reason I’m so passionate about mental health.

Many of my favourite people were diagnosed and still deal with depression, anxiety, autism and other mental illnesses. And I’ve been there myself.

I went through hypochondria 3-4 years ago when my relationship was falling apart and had no support from anyone because I was too scared and ashamed to tell anyone about how paranoid I got and how I panicked every time I felt any ache. The only person I talked to about it was my ex-boyfriend who was going through depression. He couldn’t help me, he needed help himself, but I managed to get through it on my own.

And about a year ago, depression knocked on my door. To begin with I didn’t know what it was and how it happened to me. I spent the year before trying to get over a horrible breakup that left me struggling with my confidence, and grief, the first time in my adult life I lost a loved one so close to me in the most horrible way, that night scarred me for life, cancer really sucks.

I was emotional and sensitive bursting into tears for no obvious reason and I went out all the time, avoiding being alone at any cost because I didn’t know how to deal with it, which was lots of fun but it didn’t get me anywhere and it all finally caught up with me last winter.

My most read post to this day is the one I’ve managed to put into words and let out in the open how depression really felt for me, the most honest post I’ve ever written.

Thank you to all my friends and family home and away who helped me get through this. I’m doing much better now, the best I’ve been in years. I know how to recover and drag myself out of that hole, but there are some days that are harder than others. And it’s OK. Depression never really goes away, you just learn how to cope better.

Depression is the leading cause of ill health and disability across the whole world. Staggering statistic by the World Health Organisation.

But unfortunately, even on this day and age, mental health is not taken as seriously as it should be and so many of us are scared and ashamed to ask for help or tell anyone in case they think we are crazy or weak. There is still stigma around it and not enough support.

I’ve written about it before. Over and over.

If your chest hurts the first thing you do is go to the doctor. Why should it be different when your heart and soul hurt so much you can feel the pain in every inch of your body? Why should it be different when you can’t think clearly and your mind is so messed up to the point you can’t sleep for days?  Why should it be different when you can’t get out of bed in the morning and find it incredibly hard to stop crying and get out of the house?

I can go on and on but my message is: every day is mental health day. We should take care of our mental health the way we take care of our physical health.

Every day is mental health day because we fight our fights daily, whatever they are.

My warmest hug and love to all.

Namaste

Eleni

 

 

Welcome October

Happy Sunday! And hello October.

Time for reflection and winter preparation (Christmas is coming!).

Last winter was horrible, just horrible for me. I sank into depression, I didn’t want to go anywhere or do anything. I gave up trying and allowed myself to be miserable and sad for months on end.

Fortunately I still managed to get out of bed in the morning and go to work but that was literally the only thing I did, just surviving. I rarely blogged, I abandoned my guitar, I lost friends because I didn’t want to leave the house and the more I sank into this black hole, the less confident I felt to do anything.

‘Why would anyone want to be friends with me?’

‘I’m ugly, I’m worthless, I’m 30 and still stuck here’

‘I haven’t achieved anything, others at my age have done so much more’

‘What the f*** is wrong with me?’

‘Nobody really loves me’

If you ever suffered from depression or went through a rough patch you might recognise these thoughts.

Not having much money left by the end of the month made everything much worse and gave me more excuses not to do anything.

I won’t say more today, I’m saving that for my end of the year reflection. If you want to read more on how deep I sank I’ve written about it a while ago, the most honest post I’ve ever written.

But I miraculously recovered with the help of my family, going home every couple of months keeps me sane, my friends, my colleagues and above all myself. I’m incredibly proud of how I drag myself out of this vicious circle.

And now I feel better than ever.

A year later, I have a feeling this winter will be different. I spend as much time home as I want to because I mastered how to enjoy me time so well I sometimes prefer it to other options and I only go to things I really want to. And I’m now used to going to places and events alone. A year ago just the idea terrified me.

Up until about 2 years ago I was always with someone, my friends and family when I lived back home and my ex boyfriend since I moved to Southampton, so when we broke up I was scared to do anything on my own. I felt I needed to have someone with me all the time and it took me a year to realise that is actually dead easy and pretty awesome to do things on your own.

Depression still creeps in every now and then, it actually did about a week ago, but I now know how to deal with it. I know how to crawl back out that hole.

Yoga is now part of my daily life (this month’s Yoga with Adriene FWFG theme is Begin again, which couldn’t be more fitting), my guitar is my best friend, my inspiration is back and I blog often, I’m meeting lovely new people again, my confidence is at its highest and I’m trying hard to move on to a more rewarding career. Which is tough. Really tough. But patience is a virtue and I’m prepared to wait, no matter how frustrated I feel and how much I crave for change right now.

Yesterday I had an awesome day. I went to Lou Lou’s vintage fair to browse pretty vintage clothes, jewellery and more and got myself lovely earrings and an autumn checked scarf and then had a girlie night in with friends, chit-chatting, snacks and rom-com. My favourite!

 

I’m still dreading work tomorrow but is going to be a good week with friends’ birthday celebrations, catch up with friends I haven’t seen for a while and I’m also meeting two lovely ladies who just started their own company for the first time, I can’t wait to share more on that!

It helps reminding myself that it doesn’t matter how old I am and where I am right now. You don’t have to wait for the new year to start again. Is not always easy so don’t forget to enjoy the little moments.

So here’s to October, here’s to new beginnings, here’s to you and me.

Namaste

Eleni

Treat myself Thursday

It’s been a challenging couple of weeks.

A horrific blend of holiday blues, crazy thoughts, frustration, confidence crisis, very busy at work with uninspiring tasks needed to be done, hormones and extreme tiredness that caused me to miss a great event on Friday evening (and spend most of the weekend at home so exhausted I could not do much other than move from the sofa to the bed and vice versa) brought me to my knees. I struggled to remain positive.

But fortunately my work survival techniques (blog coming very soon), little treats such as getting coffee in the morning before work and life skills, doing things I enjoy on my free time especially yoga, music, my guitar and blogging kept me sane and kept me going.

Yesterday I really wanted to try Cafe Thrive. I’ve seen an Instagram post about it and yesterday Shebs and I went over to give it a go but it was closed.

So today, since the sun was out I went out for lunch, on my own, just to treat myself.

I loved the decoration (see cover image for their impressive feature wall) and the homely vibe from the moment I walked in.

I got a healthy and yummy Quinoa and Tofu salad bowl (the toasted pumpkin seeds made the dish), which was so large I could not finish it,

Quinoa and tofu salad
Quinoa and tofu salad

and some water. Cafe Thrive has installed a self-service lemon infused water tap so you can have as much water as you want for free. What a brilliant, clever idea. So simple but I’ve never seen it in any other cafes or restaurants.

Tap water
Tap water

and sat upstairs to enjoy peace, quietness, quality me time. I had the whole floor for myself. I spent most of the time staring at the park views from the large bright windows and thinking about my weekend plans, things I want to do and million other thoughts.

Park views
Park views

When I went back to work after lunch, I felt uplifted, revitalised and ready to get the work day over with and come back to my sanctuary.

Don’t forget to treat yourself every now and then. It really makes a difference.

Cheers to Friday finally arriving tomorrow. And is a special one! Friday, payday and last Friday of September! That means Christmas is coming, one of my favourite times of the year. And no, is never too early to mention Christmas!

Eleni

 

A different kind of Monday

Happy Monday!

I started this blog last night but I was really tired I couldn’t finish it. So posting it first thing in the morning for a change.

Today is a different kind of Monday. I’m not dreading it. Much. It’s still Monday….

But tomorrow night I’m heading to the airport. And on Wednesday, early morning I’ll reunite with my best friends, my soulmates, my sisters!

We will spend two days in Florence and four days in Rome. First time in Italy, for all of us. I can’t even describe how excited I am!

To explore a new country, a country I wanted to visit for so long, but the circumstances didn’t allow it, and to do that with my sisters, first time we’ll all be on holiday at a country other than home (Cyprus) or… home (UK) is overwhelmingly amazing.

I spent Saturday doing chores, with a break for coffee and catch the last rays of sunshine with my bestie and to get new books to read from Oxfam as I finished Perfume (review coming soon!).

Yesterday I completely lost concentration, I started worrying whether my sisters will make it to Rome, what if I miss my flight and a wave of other irrational thoughts made their way in and I felt lost. I didn’t know what thing to do first on my long to-do list. But after my Yoga practice (which co-incidentally was about mental focus and concentration, what are the chances!) I focused on the session’s mantra- I got this!- and got on with almost everything I needed to do. Only a couple last minute things to do today after work and I’m all set!

https://www.instagram.com/p/BYid6JshBd1/?taken-by=eleni_zenonos

https://www.instagram.com/p/BYk0-FHhsoc/?taken-by=eleni_zenonos

I recently started meditating and practising mindfulness when I can’t sleep, which happens often and it definitely made a difference! I’ll write about it when I get the chance.

I’ve once read that more than often people crave a holiday and plan everything to the dot and then are disappointed when the time comes as their expectations don’t match reality. Which makes sense.

But I love doing the opposite. Exploring and see where it leads rather than meticulous planning is my favourite thing to do and it never failed. That’s what Shebz and I did in Berlin last year and we had the best of times.

And I’m sure Italy won’t let me down!

I know it’s only a short break, (which includes FriendsFest in London after Italy!) and it won’t change my life, or maybe it will, you never know, but it’s exactly what I need right now.

It will be incredible if I meet an Italian hunk and we go sailing in the Mediterranean afterwards rather than come back, as I’ve been joking for the last week, but it’s highly unlikely that will happen. A girl can only dream though!

I still have high hopes for September!

I’ll miss blogging but my next one will be a special one! A travel post (which will of course include local cuisine) on bella Italia.

I will be posting snaps on my Insta if you want to follow my Italian ventures.

Until then…

Namaste

Eleni

Last day of summer.

I can’t believe is the last day of August already.

This summer went fast but felt painfully slow at times.

I went home for 10 days, I climbed Snowdonia for a local charity, Solent Graduation, theatre nights, 31 Yoga Revolution, Southampton Pride, and Summer in the Square were some of the highlights (check my homepage for much more).

But it’s been rough at times.

Most people enjoy routine. I get bored. Every couple of days I change my route from and to work. I try to do something differently every day so one day doesn’t feel exactly the same as the last one. I’d do much more if I could afford it.

And is no secret I’m in desperate need of career change. I love Solent, I love my colleagues but what I do day to day is brain numbing. My mind craves for more.

But it’s not that easy to move on. I cannot just leave. At the end of the day it all comes down to money. Yes, money doesn’t bring happiness. But is the means to an end.

I cannot just quit and get experience in a brand new career path without taking a hit financially, a hit I can’t afford right now. And I don’t know exactly what I want to do next.

I love Social Media, creativity, I love writing, I love interacting with people, talking to people, helping in the community, I love being out and about and not behind a desk all day. But I have no ‘professional’ experience in any of these.

I do these at my free time or through volunteering for events through work. I make zero profit from any. I only do them because I enjoy it.

I’m no professional singer, or guitar player, restaurant reviewer, book reviewer or social media manager (I spent an unhealthy amount of time on Instagram checking out places, interior decoration and food, lots of food). And I’m no professional blogger. That’s why I haven’t blogged since Monday. I only blog when I feel inspired or want to share something. And any shops, brands or services I happen to mention it’s because I genuinely like them.

Anyway that’s my situation. But  I started to think that maybe…

Everything is as it should be.

Because it motivates me, it pushes me to make changes. And at the same time not rush into things just for the sake of it.

Because being in this position right now got me into Yoga that is now part of my daily routine and never fails to give my brain a break. It led me to learn more on Digital Marketing, I had one of the most motivating conversations on LinkedIn (thank you for the Irish Luck sent over!), inspiring conversations at the park with strangers, it pushed me to be more open and try things, it made me a better person.

And I have high hopes for September.

After my week in Italy and Friendsfest (I cannot wait!!!!) I’ll try my best to make more changes.

For now, I take every day as it comes. It is quite rare that a whole day will be bad. There are always small beautiful moments even on a crappy day.

And today is payday!!!

I already ordered my absolute favourite perfume, Roses de Chloe,  that reminds me of hot summers in Cyprus when I used to spray grandma Stella’s face with rose water (I was looking for this perfume for a while and only found it early this year), I’ve done all my holiday essentials shopping, getting a new book and got my Jaba hug 🙂

Today was a good day.

And everything is as it should be. For now.

Namaste

Eleni

Yoga Tuesday

Today was emotional.

I have just finished my last session of my 31 day yoga revolution with Adriene Mishler.  I started crying even before it started.

I can’t believe it’s been a month already.

It feels like yesterday I reluctantly decided to give it a go.

I never in a million years thought I’d stick to it, let alone I’d actually look forward to getting back on my mat every single day. It’s been the highlight of my day for the last month.

I’ve written all about it recently if you want to find out more.

Today is all about what I learned from it, besides strengthening my body, my balance, my posture. Besides the physical benefits of it.

I learned how to be aware, present in the moment.

I learned how to let all my worries and negative thoughts fly away whilst I concentrate on my breathing and my inner smile.

I learned to be more mindful and confident.

Above all I learned to love and care for myself. I learned to trust myself.

I feel I’ve grown so much within the last month, more I’ve grown over the last couple of years.

Yoga will always now be part of my life. And it’s all because of Adriene. I’ve been to yoga and pilates classes before but never grabbed me enough to keep going.

But Adriene with her wicked sense of humour, spontaneous singing, calmness and genuine love for what she does showed me the way.

Adriene, if you happen to read this, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I felt, as I’m sure thousands of people who have followed your yoga revolution programme have, the love and care you put into this.

I feel grateful, blessed and privileged I’ve been on this journey with you.

Namaste

Eleni

 

 

As you are

Good morning and happy Friday!

My favourite weekday.

Finally the weekend is upon us and today is all about loving yourself.

And it’s only in the last year or two that I finally accepted and loved myself. As I am. With all my imperfections. I wear my flaws on my sleeve, I wear them like diamonds.

Adriene’s yoga revolution over the last 25 days boosted my confidence and I was reminded again to love and care for my body, my spirit, my self. When I first started it I wasn’t sure about self hugs, and inhaling and exhaling love, finding my inner smile, but now I get it, I get it Adriene! And I love it.

I’m not saying much more today because one of my favourite contemporary writers Nayyirah Waheed (check her out) put it in words better than I ever could.

2017-08-17 21.33.57

and Rag’nBone Man sang about it beautifully- my tune of the day.

 

Namaste

Eleni

Patience is the path

Happy Tuesday! Well. Sort of. It’s been a challenging day for me.

I found it extremely hard to concentrate.

I spent most of the day at work writing my PDR. I know that PDRs are supposed to be useful and necessary (although I believe that a large part of it is not of any use depending on your role and responsibilities, it should be shorter and more concise) but surely I’m not the only one that’s dreading it?

So I had to exercise my patience and perseverance skills. Every time I got distracted (and that happened A LOT throughout the day) I put my music back on and wrote a little bit more, and then a little bit more.

And I’m almost done. I should be done by tomorrow. But oh my Lord it was hard to keep going.

The selection of delicious homemade cakes freshly prepared by a colleague (thank you Craig!) brightened my day and lunchtime was a pleasant break. Sunshine makes any day better (although it’s harder to concentrate and be motivated to keep working when the sun is shining outside and you are stuck behind a desk) and spending lunch with my best friend in the sun is one of my favourite things to do.

Sheba and I went to where most Solent people go if they fancy quick lunch, Mettricks. I do love this place. Not only because it has delicious food, great coffee and tea, good vibe (love the leather armchairs!) but also because it is local and independent.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BX0JsBBhrP6/?taken-by=eleni_zenonos

That’s what I think Southampton needs more of. Character, uniqueness, individuality (no more chain restaurants and shops!). And Mettricks is one of the very few independent cafes in the city centre, with Halladays being my all time favourite! If you haven’t been, you should!

We spent our lunch chatting, whinging, laughing, dreaming of sunny holidays and travelling, craving new beginnings, whilst having a nice cup of tea.

Not sure what to make of the tea I had-trying new things is always exciting- it was one of the weirdest tastes I’ve ever experienced (it’s called Lapsong and it’s very smokey, it tastes how I’d imagine boiling a tree brunch or a stick in water would taste, if that makes any sense!). But I loved sitting in the sun chatting away with one of my favourite people, and occasionally waving at Solent Colleagues passing by.

Although there was this baby, he must have been around 10 months old, maybe a bit younger, sitting just opposite us, who wouldn’t stop giving us death stares the whole time we were there, not smiling at all, not even once. It was the first time I was ever scared of a baby!

death stare

And then I came home to do my Yoga practice. Day 24 woohoo.

And today’s theme was patience! Either irony, coincidence or an opportunity to continue practising patience!

It was a 47 minute long session, that I just finished doing. And it has completely and utterly relaxed me.

So I guess my message for today is patience is a virtue. Is not in any way or sense easy. But the more you practise it, the better you get at it.

And remember to enjoy every little moment, even when you are patiently working towards your goals, dreams or aspirations, whatever they might be. You do not want to miss the present because you are only looking forward to the future.

I’m not sure that everything it is as it should be, as often Adriene says, but I’m now super ready to face tomorrow.

Namaste

Eleni

I relapsed, now what?

Happy sunny Sunday!

I just came back from a run and I feel great. I love the high, my body flooding with adrenaline and endorphin.

I sometimes exercise at home and as you might know, I’ve been doing Yoga every day for the last 20 days and I love it. I’ve recently posted about it if you want to know more. You can have a read here.

Yoga relaxes me, I feel more confident and has already taught me a lot on how to love and take care of myself. But I need cardio in my life. I need the high and I desperate want to improve my stamina and strength.

I love Zumba and dancing. I can’t afford either right now, and when it comes to dancing, there are not many options in town (if you know of any do let me know!).

I love running. I know it’s not for everyone. For me, putting on music (I highly recommend the personal running mix on Spotify, it picks up your tempo first and selects songs based on your pace and the music you love), looking around, enjoying the moment (and often stopping to take a photo to remember that moment) the air on my face, my heart beating fast, is one of the best feelings in the world.

But I don’t go running that often. I often come back from work tired, hungry and I struggle to find the motivation to get out and go running or do any form of exercise.

So I often relapse. As I do with most things.

I eat healthy most of the time but I can’t resist a treat and LOVE a pizza on a Friday.

Some days I struggle to stay positive and I let myself become sad and depressed. And some days I feel like doing nothing at all.

But I promised myself that every time I relapse, I need to get back on it. And since then I feel much better. Because I know a moment or a day of weakness doesn’t mean I should let myself go, I should not give up.

Coincidentally, I recently came across relapse management in a book I’ve been reading on CBT, An introduction to Cognitive Behaviour Therapy, Skills and Applications (Westbrook D. et al, 2007). It’s a heavy read at times but very educational.

Relapse management is such a vital skill for everyone to develop. Not only in therapy but in daily life. The book suggests to ask yourself the following every time you relapse:

  • How can I make sense of this?
  • What have I learnt from it?
  • With hindsight, what would I do differently?

In this way, you learn more about your vulnerabilities, weaknesses, yourself and also gives you a plan, so after each set-back you can still get back on it and reduce the chances of relapsing again.

So that’s my message for today!

Relapsing of any form does not mean giving up or starting from scratch.

Relapsing means you are a human being and if you look at it as a chance to learn more about yourself and improve your mental and physical wellbeing, you’ll feel much happier and confident.

Amen 🙂

Eleni