mental health – Page 11 – Lessons I learned after I turned 30

Nothing stays the same and nothing changes… (part 2)

Thursday afternoon…

I’m ready. I put my Spotify on and After all comes up first… ‘tou tou tou tou tou tou...After all I really love you‘. I smile. I loved this song since the first moment I heard it, when a friend sent it to me a while ago. It never fails to cheer me up.

I packed all I need and waiting for the little one to pick me up. First stop, her Italian oral exam. Somehow half an hour later I find myself sitting with her and her course mate in the classroom. Stefano invited me in, I smiled and nodded. What a lovely man. Funky yellow trousers, cool glasses, a sweet, polite voice.

I’m surprised how much Italian I remember. I’m so proud of my little sis and her classmate. They did brilliantly.

I chat to a couple of her classmates afterwards, nervously waiting outside. I wish I could tell them that none of this really matters… Enjoy your life little ones and don’t worry about exams. But would have I listened if I was told that ten years ago when I was in their shoes?

Now… what should I have for dinner on Tuesday when I arrive back in Southampton late and exhausted? What about moving? What if I don’t find a place and have nowhere to stay, what if the agency messes up me and I have to stay another two months? (Cold sweat…) Stop it! Focus!

Now the exam is over it’s time to head to the theatre for a final rehearsal and the show.

There’s no signal in the theatre and I can’t use my phone. That’s for the best. It can be my worst distraction sometimes…

A few hours later…

Tickets sorted, all ready, it’s showtime!

It all went well minus a couple of hiccups. I feel bad I didn’t recognise the Vice Chancellor straight away. I’ve only seen a photo of him the day before and there was a mess up with the tickets… I didn’t instantly figure it out. But all well.

I’m so proud for my little sister and everyone involved in the musical. None of them is a professional singer or an actor but they put together a brilliant show. Now, let’s help pack, tidy up and go home…

I can’t unlock the car, why can’t I unlock the car?

I knew it! The long beep I’ve heard earlier when we were rushing out of the car was the lights. I told her. She thought it was the door…

Now it’s half past midnight and other than one more person, who didn’t have any equipment to help us start jump the car anyway there’s no one else left at the car park.

After about an hour, we are finally home. A friend came to the rescue and it all ended well. God I’m exhausted…

Friday noon…

I finally got some sleep. I still feel drained but there’s no rest for the wicked.

The little sis and I pop to the shops for some essentials. The guy at the newsagents starts a conversation… Surprised, I stare for a second and then I remember where I am and how people are different here. I smile and make a joke. I’ve adapted again, a couple of days before I’m about to leave…

Friday afternoon…

I’m meeting two of my oldest best friends. We’ve known each other since high school. We haven’t changed much, other than carrying our bruises and scars of the last 18 years, hopeful but more realistic and scared to dream as big…

And… a lovely surprise! A friend I haven’t seen for ten years, a friend I spent endless evenings just driving around town with, nights out and days at the beach as a naive and careless 20 year old. So happy to see him. He looks exactly the same. He talks exactly the same, strikingly honest as always but he as well more mature and pragmatic about life.

Saturday morning…

This is the only time during my short visit the five of us are all together and it’s hilariously chaotic as always. We go for a walk at the beach, still a bit too cold for a swim but perfect for a Saturday stroll and lunch. I can’t stop humming ‘tell me how to be in this world, tell me how to breathe in and feel no hurt’…

I cherish these rare moments, that’s what they are nowadays, rare and they will get rarer the older we get.

It’s funny how as a teen, even a young 20 year old, we dread family time with our parents and our siblings but the older we get, the more we realise the fragility of life and how thing may change at any minute, the more we appreciate the sacrifices they made and still make for us, their selfless love and the only thing they want in return is for us to be happy and spend time with them…

Saturday afternoon…

I finally get to see the only best friend I couldn’t see at Christmas. We sit at a cafe for hours chatting, with a coffee in hand, like we used to back at uni.

A few hours later we are having beers right next to the Faneromeni church with her fiance, his brother and my sister. It feels like a scene from Boyhood… but a few years later, now some 30 year olds who’ve known each other for years, sitting at a bar, just outside one of the oldest churches in Nicosia, having a beer, still troubled and desperate seeking the meaning of life whilst reminiscing… What a beautiful, surreal way to end the day.

Sunday noon…

No matter what you have planned for the day, there is always time for a cup of coffee and almost always the company grows at the last minute.

Sunday afternoon…

After some shopping and… a coffee with friends and sisters it’s time for my godson’s belated birthday. I’m so happy I’ve been to his first birthday last year and now his second. He’s grown so much and every time I see him our bond is getting stronger and stronger…

Pappou Costa and my aunties are here, my cousin’s little angels and her husband and relatives are here. I enjoy every moment, despite the mayhem and the noise, it actually somehow makes it better…

Monday noon…

I’m sitting at the Uni’s cafe with my mum. I’m on my laptop writing a post, the first part of this blog and she is knitting rosaries. It’s quiet, peaceful…It has just rained but the sun is out again. It never stays away for long on this island…

Monday afternoon…

I take the little sister on an educational trip down old Nicosia. I’m surprised how little she knows about the island’s history but I’m glad I’m teaching her what I’ve known for years… Up the Siakolas tower for a panoramic view of the city, one of the few spots you can see over ‘the other side’ without having to show your passport to cross the green line, the only divided capital in the world, down the old town, the Archbishop’s place that was half burned during the coup in 1974, the house of the dragoman Hadjigeorgakis Kornesios who, although working with the Turks, secretly helped his fellow Greek Cypriots in the 1800’s, when the country where under the Ottoman empire…

Tuesday morning…

My throat feels sore… typical. I’m getting a cold just as I’m about to leave. I try not to think about it.

I say goodbye to the family and this little man…

and my sister drops me off at the airport. I think I prefer it to just get dropped off rather than saying goodbye to my sisters and my mum to the gate. Still emotional but makes it easier to leave.

Time to go back, but I feel I needed a few more days… to tackle my overthinking… Remember, one day at a time…

Remember… nothing stays the same and nothing changes…

Remember… you got this…

Namaste

Eleni

A beautiful evening of real life stories

I love a good story.

I love sharing my stories, not just my funny every day ones, but the more intimate, personal, vulnerable ones. That’s how this blog started originally, with What I learned before I turn 30… Sharing what I learned from my experiences so others can learn from them too…

So when browsing the Southampton Volunteer Services pages, Touch Network instantly grabbed my attention. A small Southampton charity getting every day people to share their stories. And I signed up to volunteer helping them out with the events they put together.

Last Wednesday I was invited by the lovely Hannah to go to their event to get an idea, and to help me decide if it’s for me.

As soon as I walked in and talked to Hannah, I felt the love and kindness in the room. I could tell from everyone’s faces. Sometimes I can just tell just by looking at people.

Hannah introduced me to Richard and his daughter Nikki and sat with them for the whole night. They were both so sweet and lovely.

Nikki was the first speaker. Her little boy arrived three months early and he had to spend 50 days at the hospital. She talked us through her experience as a first time mum, who couldn’t hold her baby for days, unsure whether he’d survive, how she coped with the guilt and the pain. It didn’t take long for my eyes to get all teary. It always amazes me how we humans cope with the most excruciatingly painful, unexpected situations life throws at us.

Next up was Clare. Talking about how music helped her through her most difficult times. Misdiagnosed with brain tumour, recently diagnosed with autism and rewinding her whole life, making sense of situations that baffled her before she knew about her autism. In the end she played us two gorgeous, beautiful songs she wrote on her guitar. Oh my. What a beautiful, sweet voice. She was amazing, I don’t think she knew how amazing she was.

After a short break I spent chatting to Richard about everything and anything, it was time for the next speaker Frances. Her whole life was a struggle, since she was a child. I couldn’t believe some of the things I’ve heard. Bullying, dealing with physical and mental illness but overcoming all to today helping others, although she still has to cope with her physical restraints. Funny, witty, emotional, real. Another amazing human who survived in this life because of the love and support of other amazing humans when she needed it the most.

Last but not least, Chix. What a man. A primary school teacher whose severe anxiety made him stop and re-evaluate his life. He talked about his ‘scientist vs artist’ challenge, as he is also a musician, an artist and how he now leads a more balanced life, spending more time with his friends and his family and also doing other things other than teaching. He talked about the being or becoming a teacher debate. Surely you have to have the charisma and personality to do so, you have to love it, I personally think but you can also learn as you go along.

Chix’s messages I remember the most: Invest in the special people in your life, make time for them. You know who they are, they are the ones who are there for you no matter what. Even if you haven’t spoken for a while. His friends and family, his special ones were there on the night to cheer him on.

And you can be whoever you are. You don’t have to be a scientist or an artist, you can be either, both or neither. Be who you want to be and just be happy.

I left feeling inspired and so incredibly blessed I got to meet all these amazing people and learn from their stories.

When Hannah asked me in the end of the night if I still wanted to volunteer after being at the event, I didn’t have to think twice.

The next event will take place on the 17th of May, at Solent and I can’t wait.

I have a feeling this is the start of something truly wonderful…

Eleni

You and You. The most important relationship.

I open my eyes… I don’t know what time it is. I don’t know where I am, what am I thinking? What is my first thought? I look around. I’m in my room…

I woke up a couple of times through the night. Weird dreams, my mind’s way of reminding me that I need to stop, take a break and think, process what is happening, take care of myself rather than keep distracting me by keeping busy.

I had a wonderful week. I caught up with friends I hadn’t seen for a while, farewell lunch for Alison, I went to my first Touch Network (the charity I want to volunteer for) event I absolutely loved and will post about very soon, I spent yesterday afternoon on board Ventura, enjoying a three course meal with my Southampton Pride Volunteer friends (post coming soon) and in the evening I finally got to try L’Osteria’s enormous pizzas, al Fresco, chatting and laughing with a friend, watching the terrifying thunderstorm.

But, I forgot me. I neglected me. The most important relationship. With myself. I suddenly remember Nayyirah Waheed’s three line poem.

there is you and you.

this is a relationship.

this is the most important relationship.

I’m in endless dilemmas on all aspects of my life, work, personal, spiritual and I’ve strategically avoided making any decision, probably my biggest weakness, making decisions, by keeping busy, drinking, eating out a lot, doing anything else other than taking care of myself.

Last night I finally stopped. As soon as I came home, soaking wet from the thunderstorm, I cried. And I cried. I was not drunk or had a crazy moment, I just stopped, I was in my room, by myself and all the things I didn’t process, I didn’t think of all week, hit me in the face.

I message Shebs. I know she is probably the only one who can understand. And she did. She does, she always does.

I was always on the fence whether soulmates exist. But now I know they do. They don’t necessarily come in the form of a lover or a partner and I don’t think we only have one.

Shebs is one of my soulmates. My little sister is another one. We just understand each other on a different level, there’s a deeper, more spiritual connection.

I’m happy. And sad. Grateful. Worried. Anxious about some things, completely and utterly relaxed about others. Unsure, uncertain, in painful conflict but at the same time blessed.

The next couple of weeks will be unbelievably busy but I promise you, you, myself that I’ll make time for you. And take care of you.

Remember, the most important relationship. Take care yourself. Love and nurture it.

Not because ‘if you don’t love yourself, you can’t love anyone else’ or ‘if you don’t love yourself, how do you expect anyone else to do so?’ That’s all bull***t.

The love I felt from my friends and family when I hit rock bottom and hated myself is what helped me keep going and I wouldn’t be here today if it’s wasn’t for them. You can love and be loved no matter what.

Take care of yourself for you.

Eat healthy, exercise, do yoga, make decisions, however hard it may be, even if that means you’ll disappoint people you care about. But they will understand. I hope they will.

All I want right now is a hug. One of the simplest, purest, most beautiful forms of love. It will have to wait until tomorrow. I’m not leaving my room today.

For now I’ll stay in Parsva Savasana (The Side fetal pose) for hours, contemplating whilst listening to my favourite music…

Namaste

Eleni

Friends, Food and F**ed up life- the true First Day of Spring

Saturday, 9:30am.

My alarm went off. I don’t usually set an alarm at the weekend but I was meeting Nish and Taylor, two lovely ladies I met a couple of months ago.

First thing I did, I checked my phone. A habit I’m trying to break, but I find impossible.

I check the news. President Trump with the support of the UK and the US bombed Syria overnight. My heart sank. The civil war in Syria has been going on for years now, how will more bombing solve anything? I remembered what Donna said yesterday, something I didn’t think of. ‘Are you worried about Cyprus? The RAF that’ll hit Syria will leave from Akrotiri in Cyprus’.

I was worried. I am worried. I hope my little island will be safe. I later read my lovely colleague Osama’s post, worrying about his sister who works for the UN and is based in Syria. Terrifying.

Half an hour later I’m still in bed, snoozing and I get a phone call from my sister. She never calls out of the blue. I made a joke about her making a habit of calling me in the morning lately. She replied with ‘What do you say to a friend whose their 9-month old baby died suddenly overnight?’

My heart froze. I had no idea what to say. I managed to mumble ‘What?’ ‘How?’ ‘Why?’ I had no real advice to offer. All I could think of was to let her friend know she was there for her, for whatever she may need. Anything else she would have said, it wouldn’t have helped. I can’t imagine, nobody can imagine the excruciating pain the parents and the family are going through.

My mind is travelling million miles away, thinking how life sucks sometimes, how horrible I feel I can’t do anything right now to help. Help the situation in Syria, help my sister’s friend. What I can do is get up, get ready and make the most of my day. Enjoy every little moment, be grateful for what I have.

I open the curtains. It’s sunny! I sit on my bed, soaking the rays of sunshine touching my skin whilst listening and singing along to James Bay’s Us, ‘Tell me how to be in this world, tell me how to breathe in and feel no hurt..”

I get ready and off I go to meet Nish for a coffee and a chat. I love Nish, she is my age and we get each other, although we only met once before. And we start chatting as soon as we meet. It’s so easy, so natural.

We met at Nousha Lounge. I haven’t been there before. A cute little cafe tucked away on East Street. We met Melodie there. I’ve never met her before, but I love Ten Minute Sketch, her Instagram account. She is beautiful, inside, out. She is fun, creative but at the same time, mature and calm. She works for Communicare, a charity close to my heart, a charity I sang for with my old friends at Sing Now.

We end up staying at Nousha’s for hours chatting away about anything and everything, whilst enjoying a hot Americano and a delicious Reese’s brownie Melodie recommended. If you are ever at Nousha’s you MUST try it. Sweet, chocolatey with a hint of the Reese’s peanut butter pleasantly breaking the sweetness every now and then. Heaven on earth.

On our way to meet Taylor, it feels very summery in town. Bands playing music on the street, people shopping.

We first pop into the Solent Showcase gallery. Melodie reminded me it was the closing party of the #StandTogether exhibition. I loved everything about it and to be there on their last day, to see how it grew since I first had a look months ago was just beautiful.

Reading the messages on the wall restored my faith to humanity for a little. Surely if there are so many incredibly loving humans in the world, we can make it better? My favourite messages of the few I got to read:

We finally meet Taylor at Scarpini’s shoes. They invited everyone to have a peek at their SS18 Collection. I’m no fashion icon and I spend most of my money on experiences rather than clothes or shoes but I’m always up for supporting local, independent shops. Their shoes and bags are gorgeous and the owners are sweet and welcoming. Their scrummy cupcakes they offered to everyone was a great touch.

I miss living at Bedford Place. The livelihood, the shops, the busy vibes. I think I know where I’ll move in July.

The afternoon ended with lunch with Nish and Taylor at my all time favourite Halladays.

I came home buzzing from the gorgeous day in the sun with lovely humans I had and after some cleaning and tidying up it was ME time.

I spent hours on my guitar and at night I watched the Good Karma Hospital. I love this show for more than one reasons, the gorgeous summery Indian setting (although filmed in Sri Lanka), Dr Walker’s bravery moving to another country, Dr Fonseka’s strong but deep down soft, sensitive soul. And whilst consuming an unhealthy amount of Sweet n’ Salt popcorn, that’s when I decided. I really want to book to go to a yoga retreat in South Asia. Wake up to the bird sounds, feel the heat on every single bone in my body, meditate, do yoga and relax under a tree, reading a book. I need to make it happen.

Just before I go to bed I message my sister, to find out how her friend was. As you’d expect not that well. The funeral is to take place the following day. It may be happening as we speak.

Sunday, 11am. I’m awake since 8ish but I stay in bed. I remember something a friend recently told me. Getting out of bed late for them was 11am. ‘For me it’s still morning, late is after noon’, I replied and giggled.

I listen to Sheba’s message and hopelessly try to fall asleep again. No luck. My brain is not letting me.

After my morning coffee my cousin messages. They are at my grandpa’s and they want to Facetime me. I smile to myself. I’m never alone, I’ll never feel alone, not with all the love from my friends and my family.

I talk to her lovely seven children, my godson, my prince, my uncles, my aunts, my grandpa. They took him to a nursing home last Tuesday. They couldn’t leave him there though, they loved him too much and took him back home by noon. He starts crying. I love him so deeply I can’t even describe. In his 80s strong as a rock but not afraid to show his sensitive side. A true gentleman.

We hang up and I can’t decide what to do next. I know, I’ll write about it.

I really don’t know how to feel and what to think about life anymore. So many ups and downs, so cruel and sweet, so heartwarming and painful, the blinding contrast.

I feel blessed for all the love and sad for all the pain, cruelty and suffering.

I just watched a video of children describing what they think love is. ‘It’s pretty simple’ one of them say. Love is good, we need more love in the world’ says another.

Namaste

Eleni

Hanging… and reset

A dirty plate on the dressing table stool, an empty mug on the bedside table…

It’s almost 2pm, Saturday afternoon, I just had some toast and coffee and I’m back in bed.

What a bittersweet but wonderful day Friday was.

Lunch saying goodbye to Charlotte, one of the craziest, funniest, sweet, adorable ladies I’ve ever met (who introduced me to Yoga with Adriene, without a question the best thing that happened to me in 2017), followed by a big group of us at Tapas taking over two of their central tables, chatting, laughing, on a sunny Friday afternoon after work. I missed all of us going for drinks after work… It felt like a reunion, I loved looking around seeing everyone having a good time.

Sad to see friends and colleagues leaving but happy I got to know new people I’ve haven’t had the chance before, and end the evening with a cider and heart to heart conversations with my brother. I miss seeing him every day, having a laugh in the office, walking home together after work…

Today I’m struggling though.

I didn’t drink much but a busy week at work, lack of sleep and not sticking to the same drink last night took its toll on me. I feel exhausted.

I can’t get out of bed, my body aches, my back is killing me. That’s what happens when I don’t do my yoga for a couple of days. My mind and body complain.

And the emotional hangover: at its worst. Scientists still cannot fully explain why anxiety and depression symptoms hit you in the face after drinking, imbalance of chemicals and nutrients in your body apparently. “At the cellular level, your brain is mad, agitated. And you just feel bad.” Susan Scholl, a health and wellness professor once stated. No shitting.

The thoughts were there I guess, the alcohol then decides to bring them up, exaggerate, go crazy and f**k you up.

The weather doesn’t help either. It feels like the longest winter of my time on earth… I miss the sun, the warmth, summer dresses and sandals, the feel of hot sand on my feet whilst running into the crystal clear cool water, red, sunburn face, beers and a cig at the beach at night, I miss summer…

I just got a voice message from Sheba, telling me about her day, chatting about everything and anything as we do every day. I love listening to her messages.

Today she is emotional. I’m emotional.

A lot to think about, a lot to do, but not today. Today I just want to stay in bed and not see anyone. The people I really want to see today and hug and have a laugh with are miles away.

That’s what I did, most of the day. A nice long shower, clean bedsheet and back to bed.

In the afternoon I message Artemis. She is coming to London in May, a mini break with one of my favourite people, at my birthday weekend. So, very excited. It’s been years since we did this. A holiday, just the two of us, wandering in London.

A couple of hours later… the little sister wants to Skype me. It’s almost time. It’s Easter weekend back home. The family is at the midnight Easter Service, they’ve just lit their candles with the Holy Light and the priest is about to sing the The Paschal troparion or Christos anesti, the Easter hymn every single person born and raised in Greece and Cyprus knows by heart. I just remembered, I posted a blog on Greek Orthodox Easter two years ago.

Χριστὸς ἀνέστη ἐκ νεκρῶν,
θανάτῳ θάνατον πατήσας,
καὶ τοῖς ἐν τοῖς μνήμασι,
ζωὴν χαρισάμενος.

Christ is risen from the dead,
Trampling down death by death,
And upon those in the tombs
Bestowing life.

I hum along. I wish them Christos Anesti (Jesus has risen) and we hang up. I’m emotional again. I can’t put in words how much I love them. I was telling Sheba about it on my message earlier. But I know if I start crying in front of them, they will. So I hold it in. For a moment I feel proud of myself for learning to control my feelings.

11pm. I just finished watching the Crown. I’ve learned a lot from this show, although today I didn’t pay attention, it was more of a background noise.

I want this day to end. I know I’ll be OK tomorrow, the emotional hangover will be over. Bedtime. I’ll finish this post tomorrow, I wonder how… I don’t even have a title. Inspiration has abandoned me today.

Sunday

I wake up and go back to sleep, wake up and go back to sleep.

Is my bedroom door open? Terrified. No, it can’t be. Is it? I turn the light on, it’s closed. It was a dream, a really bad dream, I get them a lot lately. Brain overloaded.

9:30am. I’m awake and can’t fall asleep again. I check my phone. Easter messages from friends and my family and a voice message from Shebs. Then my phone rings. Is my star sister, Stella. She usually calls without warning when she had an accident. But today she just wanted to wish me Happy Easter. We have a laugh, I can’t wait to see her in a couple of weeks.

Today I feel better. I’m not as emotional.

I put my Spotify on, Hunny is This What Adults Do, Lauran Hibberd…

I don’t want a stroll on a Sunday and I’m a sucker for unhappy Birthday… But all my darling friends, I don’t feel OK, ’cause they are all having bunnies or babies and I don’t want the same… (or I think that’s what she sings)…

I giggle.

I message Shebs back, I book a hotel for Artemis and myself and after I finish this post, it’s me time. How much I need it I can’t say.

I loved my week off, three amazing days in Bordeaux and a lovely weekend in London. I loved being on the go, packing, unpacking, exploring, wandering, catching up with loved ones.

I find it hard to adjust to ‘normal’ life but I need to. I need to reset, that’s exactly what I’ll do. I need Yoga with Adriene, hours on my guitar, read a book, catch up with friends, write more, I missed writing, I already feel better writing this. What a cathartic, therapeutic experience it is for me.

But I also need adrenaline… make new friends, sing at the top of my lungs, run until I can’t breathe, dance until my feet hurt, try new things…

I think I may have come up with a title…

I’m ready. Whatever this week brings.

Χριστός Ανέστη to all my Cypriot friends and family.

Namaste

Eleni

It’s never too late to chase your dreams…

Words cannot describe how happy I am it’s finally the weekend.

March has probably been the busiest month so far in 2018 personally, socially and professionally.

Staying late at work planning the AS Away morning, putting together the programme for the day, ensuring the catering arrived on time and other event related issues you can imagine whilst trying to stay on top of everything else, urgent requests, ongoing projects and the list goes on was fun, I love a challenge, but exhausting.

In the evenings and the weekends I caught up with friends and had one of the best nights out leaving me with no time to actually catch up with myself, do my yoga, spend time on my guitar or even write on my blog.

Now I have a week off to catch up with everything, do the things I love and try new things.

Last week I went on an interview at a job at the University. I wasn’t sure whether to apply, it was a much more interesting job compared to what I do (though most of the peeps working in that team applied for it, meaning my chances were slim) but most importantly, although I still don’t know what my dream job is, I know what it isn’t. And this wasn’t.

I was surprised I was invited for an interview but I did my best to prepare in the little free time I had and I made new friends along the way across the University. Thank you Dan for all your help and our chats, it was a pleasure meeting you. And thank you Meredith, Caroline and Phil for giving me the opportunity, I’ve learned something new about a great University service, I didn’t know before.

I didn’t get the job in the end. I wasn’t surprised I didn’t get it, but I was surprised I was not disappointed. I felt relieved. I may not love my current job, although I always do my best, but it allows me mentally, physically and practically to do more of the things I love outside work. And although I don’t believe in ‘meant to be’ I have a feeling that something bigger and better is coming my way.

Since a couple of bad experiences I had recently (a job I really wanted I applied for and didn’t get it, went on a date after two years and it went terribly bad) without consciously realising my life attitude has dramatically changed. I give things a go and if not working, I move on and after a day or two, I’m back enjoying life to the full. Because it is too damn short.

My friend Chris told me recently ‘If someone a year ago had said that you would be smashing PBs for leg presses you ‘d have never believe them. Odd how life changes!’

Of course I wouldn’t. Who would have thought! A year ago I was struggling with depression. I didn’t want to leave the house. I felt lost and alone.

Life changes because I changed it.

A year later, I’m stronger and healthier, I’ve met incredible humans who I now call my friends, I’ve made beautiful memories, I tried new things and I’m now going on my first ever solo trip in two days!

And I couldn’t be more excited, albeit a bit scared. Which makes me feel even more excited.

On Thursday I had the chance to visit the beautiful, colourful, vibrant Below Bar studios again as a BA (Hons) Fine art student invited me for a chat and a browse around the Fine Art studio. A post on that coming soon but what inspired me most about Andy was his love of Art and what he does. It may have taken him 30 odd years, since life is never easy and he had to work from a young age providing for his family, but he is finally now chasing his dream of becoming an artist.

A shining, bright example that is never late to chase your dreams. Just remember to live life to the full and enjoy every moment you can in the meantime…

I may not know what I really want to do with my life yet, since I love more than one things, writing, food, mental health, events management, staff development, marketing, drawing, anything to do with people, music although If I could make a living writing about food whilst travelling I’d go right now, but I know it will never be late to chase my dreams.

Namaste

Eleni

Wild Mushroom Ravioli, Gyro, Snowmageddon and being brave

Sunday early afternoon…

I’m sitting at one of my favourite little cafes in Southampton, The Docks Coffee house with a hot cup of Americano and a delish fruit loaf served in cute, vintage cutlery.

I enjoy writing in random places, other than home but I don’t get much free time to do it. Last time it was way back in July, when I ventured to Mettricks on a warm, summery Sunday afternoon to write about Awakenings, one of the most interesting books I’ve ever read.

Back then I was terrified to go sit at a cafe on my own, I was still struggling with depression and I found it a little bit overwhelming, maybe because it was busy and loud, normal, everyday situations that could cause a panic attack when you are dealing with depression and anxiety.

But today I feel better than ever, I love sitting on this cosy comfy armchair writing and people watching.

Sunday blogs…

I don’t normally post on specific days, it all depends when I get the time and if I feel like it, but over the last couple of weeks I love reflecting back on each week, especially since the last month or so has been really busy I don’t get time to stop, wait a minute (terrible UpTown funk pun) and think of what happened every day. I try to break habits because I hate routine but I grew to love my Sunday posts and I hope to keep up with it.

Last week of February

On Sunday, after posting my last blog on Life, Death and Everything Between I made a delicious, healthy dinner to help me kick off the week on the right foot. Et voila (my new obsession: Courgette spaghetti).

Monday, not fun day

But the next morning I was just not feeling it. I felt drained emotionally and physically. Sad news and tiredness took its toll. One of those Mondays as I phrased it on the day

My momma Donna was already on the case, she knew how to cheer me up. She got me a cute little Happinness Journal so I can write what made me smile every day and remind myself to enjoy the little things and that life it’s still beautiful no matter what. Thank you Donna.

Tuesday- the first Snow

Tuesday was so busy I didn’t get to have my first cup of coffee until 10:30am, I was late for singing and the whole day felt like a blur. One of the very few things I remember was all the hugs, from Dan, Helen, Emma and other lovely humans and the snow blizzard which unfortunately only lasted for 10 minutes (who would have thought the University would be closed a few days later due to snowstorm). In the evening some colleagues (I loved all the food convos with Denise, Fraser and Chris, I had to mention it) and I went for a drink to say goodbye to our lovely colleague Peter who left Solent to go travelling. I love our kitchen chats, talking about travelling and photography. Peter if you are reading this, I hope you have an amazing time in Cape Verde and see you soon!

Wednesday- Glorious food and glorious show

Wednesday was a long long, busy day again but it turned into the most amazing evening I had in a while, A finger-licking three course meal at Soleto (including the most delicious Wild Mushroom Ravioli I’ve ever tasted, no exaggeration) a gorgeous little Italian opposite the Mayflower followed by Miss Saigon, one of the best shows I’ve seen at the Mayflower so far. More on that including lots of snaps here. (But here’s the dinner we had).

Baked Camembert with Garlic and Rosemary. Toasted Ciabatta and Chilli and Onion Chutney

Thursday- Snow is falling… and some Gyros

On Thursday, Snowmageddon struck. I woke up to a white blanket covering everything. But our lunch plans with Jamie were to go ahead. We’ve been meaning to go for lunch for a long time and we were to try the Greek restaurant Lemoni, we wouldn’t let the snow ruin our plans.

I missed Greek food and I was seriously craving it for a while so I enjoyed my Gyro in Cypriot pitta to the point I’ve actually finished it. I rarely manage to but the cold and my cravings had something to do with it… We also shared a scrummy feta baked in Filo pastry sprinkled with honey and sesame seeds, Jamie loved it so much he wants to learn how to make it.

After lunch we were told we could go home. I could not believe it! I’ve been to Southampton for almost 8 years now, we were never sent home because of snow. It felt I was living somewhere in Siberia. It took me 20 minutes to walk back home because of inappropriate footwear, it’s a miracle how I didn’t fall on my face, but I weirdly enjoyed it. It felt like being in a fairytale.

I spent the rest of my afternoon catching up with my friends back home and I loved every minute.

What I didn’t expect was:

Friday Snowday… and being brave

Yes, the University was closed! So it was not safe to walk outside, it was freezing and I was to spend the day at home. Under other circumstances I wouldn’t mind at all. But because I couldn’t go out, I got cabin fever by the end of the day. The mind works in mysterious ways always wanting what it can’t have and undervaluing what it already has…

So what to do? I facetimed my little sis, I booked my ticket home in May (yeay) and then inspired by Donna’s gift I booked ticket and a gorgeous AirBnb in Bordeaux, MY FIRST EVER SOLO TRIP (double yeay!). I’m incredibly excited and a little scared but I cannot wait!

What I learned the last couple of weeks is that life is too short and I want to do more of the things I really want to but I’m scared of. And going on my first trip alone is the first step.

Saturday- Finally out

On Saturday I got up early for a change. I was desperate to get out of the house so I woke up at 9, did all the boring chores one must do to remain a semi-responsible adult and got out! I did my essentials shopping and I finally ordered new glasses, wait until you see ‘Smart looking Eleni’ with my fancy new reading glasses.

In the evening I did what I’ve been doing when I get some free time, binge watching Parks and Recreation, one of the best, funniest shows I’ve ever watched. Thank you to Jamie for recommending it and Sarah and Pat for all the fun we have talking about it.

Looking back, it’s been an incredible week.

Here’s to March, it’s looking good already…

Namaste

Eleni

PS. Happy birthday CHRIS!!!! Thank you for being an incredible friend and all round good egg x

Life, Death and Everything in Between

One of the very few things I vividly remember from my first year studying Psychology at the Uni back home was something my lecturer said that shocked me at the time.

‘You are the only one responsible for your mental wellbeing, you are the only one responsible for your feelings and actions, no matter what life throws at you, no matter how others treat you. Feeling sad or angry or happy is your fault, your responsibility.’

I could not understand why. How? If someone treated my badly, if a loved one died, why is it my fault I’m sad?

It took me years and years to fully comprehend it. It took me years to realise, as Lisa Fieldman Barret, a neuroscientist and psychologist beautifully stated in a TED Talk I recently watched ‘Your emotions are built, not built in‘, meaning you, or your brain to be more precise is the one controlling them, although it may feels impossible.

I co-incidentally watched a Youtube video of Will Smith explaining how what happens in your life and how others treat you it is not your fault, but how you respond is your responsibility. And that’s exactly it.

When you stop blaming others and get out of the ‘victim’ mentality everything suddenly changes. You are in charge, you are responsible. Scary, tough but liberating.

My week

I say that every week since the beginning of the year but last week felt like the longest week of the year so far.

It’s been incredibly busy at work, which I actually enjoy. I’ve learned a lot over the last couple of weeks, I met different people across the University, from students to lecturers to HR experts such as Geoff Glover whose experience is impressive to say the least.

I’m incredibly grateful and honoured he agreed to meet with me and chat over coffee. I’ve learned more in an hour that I learned in a month. I truly admire humble, talented humans who love sharing their knowledge and experience with everyone and don’t let arrogance and success blind them. Geoff is definitely one of them.

But not everyone is nice and getting into arguments it’s inevitable sometimes. I had some of those too this week.

After work I spent most of my evenings writing or catching up with messages and other things I needed to do with the exception of my magical evening at the John Hansard Gallery.

By the end of the week I was shuttered.

On Friday sad news of a friend friend’s death, our age, and one of my best friend’s dad’s death added to my mental and physical exhaustion.

I went to bed at 11pm on Friday. That rarely happens but I was so tired I couldn’t keep my eyes open.

I woke up early the next morning but I couldn’t get up. I messaged my best friend, my soul sister, my soulmate Happy Birthday telling her how I wished I was there to celebrate with her. And then I went back to sleep.

I stayed in bed until 2pm. I needed it. That meant I had to spend the rest of the weekend cleaning, tidying up, shopping, washing but I needed the break. I need a holiday and I can’t wait for my week off in March but for now that’s the best I could do.

It sucks when people lie to you, underestimate you or undervalue you. It sucks when your near and dear ones are ill, it sucks when they die. And it’s not your fault. Don’t you ever blame yourself. But you are the only one who can change things, you are the only one who can fix it. You are the only one who controls your feelings, your emotions, your actions.

Over the last three years I learned to take responsibility for my emotions and my mental wellbeing and even more importantly, I learned to control them. Not all the time but well enough not to beat myself up and fall back to depression.

Mrs Polikseni I get it now, it took me years but I get it.

Here’s to another week. No idea what it will bring, life is full of surprises lately, but whatever happens, enjoy every moment. Forget about dos and dont’s. Forget about anything that makes you unhappy, worried or anxious. Just live.

Every weekend I facetime my little sis and we chat and laugh for hours, catching up, talking about our week. Something so simple makes me so happy. It’s all about the little things.

I often ask myself…

‘If I die right now, how I want others to remember me?’ I want to be remembered as kind, caring, creative, always singing, a tad crazy, obsessed with food and Yoga With Adriene who made others smile and laugh.

‘If I die right now, what I want my last thoughts to be?’ I’m happy and blessed to have amazing, loving friends and family, I have a roof above my head and delicious food on my plate. I do my best to enjoy every single moment. I’m happy.

If I die right now, what would my biggest regrets be? This I struggle to answer but…

What most people dying, the single moment when the clarity of mind reaches extraordinary levels and you cannot but be honest to yourself wished for was that they worked less and spent more time making memories with their loved ones, enjoyed life more, expressed their feelings more and were happier and true to themselves.

Life is really too damn short. I’ve been reminded of it so many times I started to wonder if the universe is trying to tell me something…

Or maybe not…

Namaste

Eleni

PS Happy birthday to my little Prince. I promise I’ll teach you all I learned about life, death and everything in between.

“And now here is my secret, a very simple secret: It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.”

Nostalgia…

It’s half past twelve, after midnight, Monday is here.

I can’t sleep. Typical. Listening to music, I let my thoughts travel far away, to Guatemala, to Shebz, back home, to my sisters and my family, to my brother Andi in London, to last week, to tomorrow, a brand new, busy, exciting week coming up…

Nostalgia

I’m feeling nostalgic. I love the world nostalgia, it comes from the Greek words nostos (νόστος)=return and algos (ἄλγος)=pain. Aching, aching to return. Aching to go back when I lived on my own. I miss my cosy, little studio I decorated myself. With the sun shining through during the day and watching the beautiful sunrise in the evening. It was small but perfectly formed. And I had the best landlord ever.

I’ve been thinking long and hard how to put my thoughts in writing without coming across as mean and horrible. Well, maybe I am. After all Eleanor Shellstrop of the Good Place is my inspiration right now. Legend.

The story so far…

It’s been a month today since I’ve moved into a shared flat.

I quickly got over the fact there is someone else listening to my music, hear me singing on my guitar, chatting with my friends, talking non-stop on Insta stories, my new obsession, or even smaller things that are surprisingly hard to get used to like going for a wee or number two or listen to my terrible singing when I have a shower. It wasn’t easy but I’m OK with it.

But I still can’t get used to it. I miss being on my own.

My flatmate has been really nice and friendly. Maybe too nice and friendly. He always offers to help, he even cooked for me, not the best cooking but I’m a harsh judge with all the chefs in the family and my love for food but he put music on and bought wine. What was that all about? Maybe a bit too much? Or am I just being Eleanor again?

Others would die for someone to offer help or cook for them but I don’t. I love my independence, doing things by myself. If I need help I’ll ask my friends.

When I come home after a long day I want to be on my own, unwind and do my yoga, write, read, draw, sing, play my guitar… The last thing I want is socialising. If I feel the need to talk to someone, I’ll chat to my friends and my family or I’ll ask a friend to come over or I’ll go out and meet my friends.

I make friends all the time. I’ll chat to everyone. Every human is special, even the not so nice ones. But home it’s a different story for me. Home is where I relax, I create, I have fun, I cry, I laugh, is my shelter, my comfort. It’s me time. And I find it hard to adjust.

It took me two years to reach where I am today and it’s vital, essential for my mental health and wellbeing to have my own space.

I kept thinking it would be different if it wasn’t just the two of us. Or if I lived with a girl. Or a friend.

I understand that my flatmate is going through his own battle. He is still getting used to the new situation himself. He used to live with a loved one, not a stranger, so he is probably still learning himself, like I do.

I totally respect that. I want him to be well and happy. And that’s why I kept all this to myself until now. It’s hard to have such a sensitive conversation without ending up hurting the other person, I wouldn’t like to do that. Although, I’m painfully aware he may well be reading this.

It’s nothing personal. That’s just how I feel. I miss my little home. And my way of dealing with all of this is to write about it. Writing is my therapy.

What have I learned so far?

My room is now my shelter, my castle, it’s bright and peaceful as a friend beautifully described it. The rest of the house is for sharing. So if I want to be on my own, my bedroom is my paradise. This is the only space is just mine.

I’m still unsure what the rules are when using the kitchen but I usually tend to cook when it’s free. I don’t want to be in his way.

I rarely use the living room anymore. I feel more comfortable eating in my room whilst I watch Friends or binge-watch a new series. Why make someone else watch what I want to watch?

The biggest lesson I’ve learnt is that having my own space is more important to me that I thought it’d be. But I’m doing all this for a reason. And I’ll stick to it for the next 5 months.

Now what?

It may get easier, it may not, although I’m hoping it will.

For now my room is my little comfort blanket, my hideaway, my creative hub and it’s enough, for now…

Namaste

Eleni

The perfect end to a not so perfect week

Sunday afternoon. I’m home alone, sitting on my bed enjoying the sunshine, listening to my music on Spotify. (obsessed with Ider, Does She Even Know) Pure bliss. I just came home from lunch and I feel it’s the perfect time to reflect on last week. What a better way to start the new week with a clear mind.

Before I take you through this week in Eleni’s world, I want to wish happy birthday to my amazing, sweet, honest, loving, caring dad. I’m not saying any more, otherwise I’ll start crying again. God this week I’ve cried so much it’s unbelievable, but here’s my Insta post, it sums up how lucky I am to have chef Costis as my father.

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A post shared by Eleni (@eleni_zenonos)

Monday

The week didn’t start well. I doubted myself, I felt inadequate, I felt I wasn’t enough and all of that because I let someone in and I was disappointed. I’ll post about it later, of course I will, I learned from it and that’s why I started this blog. To share what I learn and hopefully others can learn from my mistakes and experiences. I can’t say more right now because things are not clear in my head yet and I learned over the last two years that overreacting never helps. Emotional hijacking that is. When your emotions bypass your thinking, rational self and you are filled with anger, sadness and pain, that’s how humans are made of. It’s hard to master the art of emotional intelligence, but when you do, even a little bit, makes such a difference. More on that later.

What made my Monday better was writing on what I love about Solent. It’s all about the people, it really is. A reminder of how lucky I am to have loving, caring people in my life.

Tuesday

Tuesday was a little bit better than Monday. A heart-felt chat with one of my favourite humans, Dan and our singing session lifted my spirits.

Wednesday

Wednesday was just amazing. I had the best day with Lou and the rest of the Student Achievement team, with the highlight of probably my week, the visit at Below Bar and meeting incredible, talented, brilliant people, exactly what I needed to restore my faith to humanity.

Thursday

On Thursday I finally got to visit Shanghai 1814 and had a great lunch with my lovely ladies. Post coming soon, it’s already been written, there is so much I want to write about this week, I’m not sure when this will go out but coming soon.

Beef in black bean sauce and sweet and sour chicken

Friday

Friday was the best. I woke up feeling homesick. I really wanted to be at home with my loved ones but the day turned better and better. After work I went for a drink, chat and lots of laughter with my UK mamma and her husband Darren and after that I’ve met 4 AMAZING ladies, local bloggers for dinner, drinks and brainstorming. The ideas kept flowing, I can’t even describe how excited I am for what’s to come. I’m not a professional blogger, I can’t stress that enough but I love writing and meeting like-minded individuals it truly is a blessing.

Saturday

Yesterday I needed a day for myself, to do the house chores, take care of my body and my spirit and also change the strings on my guitar, which I managed to do all by myself! So proud!

Sunday

The week ended with delicious lunch in the sunshine enjoying the seaviews with my gorgeous friend Sofy. It’s rare to meet people you just get along and get each other from day one and I’m so incredibly happy life brought us together. I learn so much from her, I can’t wait to do even more things together, so much to do and see, we came up with so many ideas today, I don’t know where to start from.

It’s now been a month I’ve been living with someone else. And I’m still struggling. I just can’t get used to it. I don’t know if I’ll ever get used to it. I don’t think it’s only because of me struggling to adjust. I’ll post about it this week, since tomorrow it’ll be the one month anniversary.

I’m immensely proud of myself and how much I matured and learned to deal with whatever life throws at me without letting depression and anxiety paralyse me. I can’t believe it’s already been a year since I poured my heart out and opened up about my struggles. It’s tough being honest, open, sensitive and vulnerable in this mad mad world but for me is the only way I can survive.

All throughout this week listening to Shebz sweet voice messages, the highlight of my day, Chris’s emotional support, thank you for making me laugh when I was sad and miserable and Donna’s care, thank you mamma Donna, kept me going.

A very busy week coming up, Pancake Day, the new Nuffield Theatre opening fireworks, and a couple of other things I can’t share yet. I’m hoping I’ll get the time to post about all of it.

Now, time for a yoga session with my favourite gal and a relaxing evening with music and my guitar to fight the Sunday blues.

We’ve got this.

The awesome in me bows to the awesome in you (love you Adriene).

Namaste

Eleni